Why does no one talk about the more extreme traits of ADHD?

I've been in both places and you can look at my life in different ways. The functioning I have now is largely supported by my husband. I've never had a full time job except for once for less than a year. Don't have any qualifications higher than GCSEs except that I've studied at university and passed a post-grad level short course. I'm a walking bundle of contradictions.

It's my experience both in myself and observing others including my own DC that ADHD functioning is largely reliant on coping mechanisms which are like a house of cards. If one goes down it can activate a spiral which collapses all the others. The effects of behaviour driven by poor executive functioning are heavy in themselves so impulse spending causes debt which then makes it harder to budget or afford life necessities. Financial stress leads to physical stress symptoms or displacement activities like drinking or over eating. Depression and difficulty with routines make things like appearance get neglected which has a knock on effect on social interaction and employability. So once one thing goes downhill it tends to lean a lot of pressure on everything else. And these are just a few examples whereas there will be more areas of life affected.

Russell Barkley and others like him talk about these things but a lot of the online circles of ADHD have more focus on the "superpower" narrative and find him too negative. I don't think it's helpful, both sides need to be considered.

My guess is also that ADHD women struggle more with the organisational side because it still culturally falls to women not men. There is already an existing model for women to be more in charge of home and child stuff, so a person who needs this support from a partner in order to have a happy domestic life is more likely to find it if they're a man looking for a woman. So ADHD women probably have more expected of them in this way and deal with associated guilt and criticism.

When I got diagnosed the psychologist said that the effects of ADHD varied a lot due to the support/stability the person had/has. E.g. are their parents educated themselves and willing to support the child's education? (I remember leaving all my GCSE coursework till the last minute and my mum staying up all night with me to make sure I got it done 😬).

I also think other privileges (class, race etc) make a big difference, and if you can manage to get into a job with a degree of flexibility then it's more likely that if you let things slide you'll be able to pull an all nighter when needed and catch up. Alternatively a job where you're constantly "on" and running on adrenaline with no opportunity to slack can also work well.

I'm still rubbish at any self care that requires a routine, and I really feel you re finding it hard to discipline your child due to never sticking to your own rules... I find this too and I worry about the effects on my child... She's actually really good with rules but I am not 🫤

Are you medicated? I have found this helps a bit, but definitely not a miracle cure.

Some of it will be partners. I've an ADHD spouse who might very well be like this if it were left up to him, but it's not. I also manage the finances because I enjoy and am good at it. We happened to meet young, before either of us were established in adult life. Just dumb luck.

This sounds really difficult for you op, mainly because it sounds like you are really, really trying your best and maybe are starting to feel quite burnt out by it all. I think it's a bit like a sliding scale and people are affected by it in different ways. So in some aspects its easier to function for some than others but its swings and roundabouts really. Also depends a lot on support networks as well, people may not be doing as well as they appear on the surface but they have a good support system in friends or family who are able to keep things going where they can't do it for themselves.

I'm personally not diagnosed. Thought about it for a while but then felt that for me I wasn't sure if it would actually make any difference considering how long id wait for assessment but there's lots of things in your post that resonates closely - the chronic lateness, the difficulties in self motivation, the skin picking, the forgetfulness, the challenges with relationships, struggling not to interrupt others, hyper fixating on things and then losing interest overnight, managing money diet or routines consistently, the interruption and the challenge of getting through the boring parts of my job. It's definitely held me back in my career and my relationships at times but honestly I think I present on the surface really well and then I burn out behind the scenes. But that's not something I generally talk about with anyone because I feel like I should be on top of my responsibilities so there's shame in that burn out. But on the surface you'd never know that about me.

I think ADHD goes hand in hand with PDA a lot of the time so there's conflict in everything.

The only thing I've seen that helps with discipline and knock on effect on the rest of the life is exercise and meds. Unfortunately nobody can do that for you.

It looks tough to deal with.

I hear you, it makes me so angry with myself especially my parenting skills because I just cannot stick to a routine so we are chaotic.
I'm medicated now but I find it is only really helping with at work and completing DIY/housework.

Hi OP, I'm sorry that you are struggling. I have late diagnosed ADHD and there have been times in my life when things were completely out of control- masses of debt, nearly kicked out of college for not turning up to anything, chaotic living environment, risky behaviour with sex and drugs etc.

Now however it's a different story and I think people who don't know me well would assume that organisation comes easily to me- in fact the opposite is the case but I have learned strategies over the years that enable me to have a well functioning life, successful career etc, and some of those strategies probably look like being hyper-organised (I'm always early, I track my finances religiously, I'm the person who carefully transcribes all the dates from the school email into her diary the minute she receives them etc etc)- sounds completely square but I know from experience that I have two options- stick religiously to the strategies that work for me or else live in chaos. No middle ground. It sometime annoys DH that I always want to deal with everything the minute it crops up but that's because he doesn't really understand that, if I don't, I'll never deal with it.

I mention all this to say that, just because someone doesn't appear to be struggling, it doesn't mean that they haven't struggled or that they wouldn't sympathise with you. Your post really chimed with me despite my life now being very different.

I would suggest the following-

-talk to your doctor about medication
-the ADHD chatter podcast someone mentioned is very good and might help you feel less alone
-There is good evidence that body doubling can help with focus and procrastination. The Dubbii app is pretty good but I think there are others too. It's basically having a video of someone on your phone tidying the kitchen (or whatever) while you tidy the kitchen, and they also do livestreams where 50 ADHDers tidy their kitchens together. Sounds ridiculous but it does work!
-a boring one but the ordinary things of a healthy life really do help with dopamine regulation- exercise, time outside, a balanced diet etc. I know that it's hard to make a start with any of this when you feel unregulated - can be a vicious circle- but to the extent you can manage any of it it would be time very well spent. I still have days where I feel unregulated (I call them troll days) and just want to sit under a blanket and feel shit.
-have you read up on rejection sensitive dysphoria at all. You sound really down on yourself and I wonder whether there might be some of this at play.

There's too much of this that resonates.

I don't have any answers or advice but I hear you OP. I battle daily. ❤

I agree. Everything I see on social media says that ADHD is a superpower but personally I fail to see that and would give anything not to have it. Perimenopause has knocked me for six and even with medication I’m struggling.

Did you say you're not taking any medication at all, or just not the one a PP mentioned?

I've got severe combined ADHD (and Autism), as has one of my DC.
It's absolute hell and has totally ruined my life.
I've had so much support, therapy, read and researched so much much, tried different ADHD meds again, but at nigh on 47, I feel trapped/stuck and an absolute fuck up.
The only thing I've ever done right really is...my DC.

Are you on medication?

Most people really don't understand the complexities of ADHD, especially in women.

I also think that the common traits - ie being late for stuff, being messy etc - are absolutely minuscule compared to the much bigger problems of being unable to regulate emotions to sensible levels.

my early years were a shit show. Problem child, always in trouble, but bright enough that I coasted through primary and early secondary never doing any work but doing well enough in tests. Fell down massively at gcse and failed all bar two (wasn’t even allowed to take some as I couldn’t organise myself to do the course work). Dropped out of college. Got pregnant young.

managed to get my shit together up to a point though. I worked in care for years and it really suited me at the time. Very little paperwork and really on the go. Managed to do some level 3s through them etc. though I was glad to leave in the end as it was starting to trigger OCD like behaviours in me and a lot of overthinking and worrying about people constantly.

over the years I have learned how to make myself function. Have completed a degree and now have a healthcare career. Which does suit my on the go nature (struggle to do the bits I find boring, but do now know how I have to get them done, part of that is giving myself a break on the days that I know I am not going to be able to focus on those tasks).

im still messy, late for everything, double book myself constantly, cannot take on more than one verbal instruction at a time. Etc. but I function better when I’m busy. When my kids were young I invested all my time in them and their hobbies. Working in busyness and chaos keeps me on track. Now they’re older I have replaced that with my own interests, mostly running and the gym as this helps me function. Gotta love that dopamine. So now I have adult kids who are doing well, a mortgage and run marathons. I’m not quite sure how it happened but it did. A lot of the people I run with are kind of similar. There is actually quite a strong link between neurodiversity and enjoying endurance sports!

I hear you. Everyone acknowledges it’s a spectrum without really acknowledging it iyswim?

My dd has adhd.

she is not a functioning adult and she only functioned as a child due to massive amounts of family support.

she is also obese and binge eats.
she had automatic extensions on assignments at uni but still managed to fail a year and nearly fail another year and only finished the damn thing when she ran out if funding and had to come home and study,

I agree. Adhd can be devastating and lead to serious addiction, mental illness and suicide. My ds1 is particularly badly affected. On paper he's doing well, but behind the scenes it's a different story. His physical health is suffering and I don't know whether he'll ever manage a relationship, which means he won't be able to afford a house or flat. It breaks my heart.

My adhd is largely kept in check by my autism, but my physical health is knackered and I now have a serious lifespan shortening condition as a result of it.

ND also comes with a myriad of difficult to manage and uncomfortable physical conditions which the NHS aren't interested in. It causes depression which leads to physical illness as well.

I could write all day about how it affects people, but the common perception is that it's about being loud, naughty and having difficulty focusing. Oh, and losing your house keys (I have never actually lost my house keys 🙄.

How old are your children OP?

Are they old enough to help write things down on a wall calendar, and get a little organised to help their lovely mum? Bright pens, stickers, encourage some fun with it and hopefully they can help remind mum as events near.

Please don't feel bad, you're poorly, please try and get yourself to the doctor for some help. Take good care of you.

I have a tidy husband. I know I drive him mad, but try really hard not to. He actually understands though; he’s learnt not to nag.

I fill my time with stuff organised by other people- have 3 jobs. If left to me I’d do very little.

People think I’m on it because I’m always busy, but on my days off, I find time management really difficult.

You need to be medicated OP.

My husband was very resistant to being medicated for years. So so so many mental health issues as a result of this.

He is a different person when medicated. It took a while
trying a combination of different ADHD and SSRI type medications, but the difference when he’s on them is enormous.

Without medication he’s basically a non functional 12 year old.

With medication he’s a functioning adult, just about.

You need to see a psychiatrist to get properly medicated.