Why does no one talk about the more extreme traits of ADHD?

I'm not diagnosed, because I am autistic, and that part means I don't want to phone the doctor and ask for a referral because they'll tell me I'm stupid (RSD!) but I totally relate to your post. My youngest son is AuDHD, and it was when i was doing all his assesment questionnaires that I thought "this is all normal, I do all these things" 🤦‍♀️ Well, duh! I'm a carer for my older son who has autism and learning disabilities.

I'm a carer for my older son who has autism and learning disabilities. When he's at his day centre I have time to do housework, study, exercise,etc. Do I? Well, I've currently got a routine where I drop him off and do exercise, it's worked so far. But then i go home and get overwhelmed by the state of my house, the fact I'm behind on studying (part time OU course) and instead sit there thinking of everything that needs doing but paralysed and not doing it. Which is why I'm currently on Mumsnet!

Meanwhile, there is tons of washing everywhere, washing up, my house is full of clutter, I need to go to the tip, rooms need cleaning and decorating. And it's things like I bought a new tumble dryer as mine broke. And it took 2 weeks to get round to putting it in. A 5 minute job (a let's not mention the year it took to install the dishwasher )

I've been with my boyfriend years, and he's been in my house once, because I'm too ashamed to let him see how crap it is.

Oh but ADHD is just being a bit distracted and totes a superpower. Sure. 🙄

Definitely, and I think it was a trope for a reason!

My dd is 22yo and has this ‘type’ of adhd. Her life is chaotic and messy and unhealthy. Alcohol and drugs play a big role. She is always late. She loses everything, forgets everything and is always saying she hates herself 😟 got a few GCSE’s (thanks to Covid!) but dropped out of college. Sleeps most of the day and up all night. Luckily she has a bar job working 4pm-1am. Managing to hang onto the job but is having issues with her manager, who does not know she has ADHD. Therefore there are no systems put in place to help her and she is constantly criticised… Bring on the RSD!

She has tried medication, but because her diet is so minimal ( she Often forgets to eat or can’t be bothered to cook) She can’t really take It because it affects her appetite even more. The medication also makes her extremely anxious.

yet….. put her in front of that bar, in a party environment, with loads and loads of customers in front of her and she absolutely THRIVES!

I feel for you OP, I really do, because I can see my daughter’s life going the same way as yours. It is so, so hard and I have tried to understand it as as much as I can (I am NT)

I really wouldn’t wish the severity of her ADHD on anyone.

God, I hadn't even thought of this but you're so right. I remember all the jokes about "oh, I don't do anything unless Penny tells me I can" or whatever.

I hear you, especially the financial stuff. I’ve just messed ip a delay repay claim and am missing out on a wedge.my dining room resembles a warehouse, I need to sort returns before too late to return etc etc

I’ve been called scatty in the past, I mask well, present well for work - if only people saw the state of my bedroom…

self loathing is shit, I drink too much too

And you should, I agree. They will also find it easier to understand if you can tell them what tools you have in place.

eg, I used to get frustrated at DH/DS going to bed late because they were, in my mind, "faffing around". I have learnt that what they need from me in this context is to let them get on with it (and, in some cases, to accept with good grace their endless questions about things at this time of night) - they are, in their own ways, preparing for the day ahead and this "faffing" makes the next day x10 easier. For all of us.

When I told the school that DS couldn't just do a one hour detention sitting in silence, I didn't ask them to therefore cancel the detention. I offered ideas of what could happen instead which, to their credit, they enforced.

This. I have a female relative of that generation who is very similar!

DH didn't start to clock his ADHD until he moved up enough in work to be in the sort of role that 30 years ago would've come with a PA but now doesn't. I think there must've been a lot of bright, high functioning undiagnosed ADHD men like him who climbed the greasy pole simply because society built in organisational support for them. Especially when most people didn't need a degree to have successful careers. But now their kids are adults, we notice it more in a way that we didn't used to.

I am very similar with this! I do my work as it has important real world effects for other people, but I have been know to fail to claim my overtime until it's expired 😭

My ADHD DH and DC love their concerta. The impact on their lives has been profound, and they don't have the severity of your symptoms.
My sister is just like you. Does a very physical job which helps, but struggles with everything else. Its hard for her and hard for her kids and husband. She refuses medication as feels there is nothing wrong with her, but she endlessly loses jobs, friendships and money. The worst is watching her 8 year old manage her.
Go try some medication, its worth a shot.

Neuro diversity is a spectrum. Some people will be more able than others.

I have 3 diagnosed ND ADHDers in my house and they are all completely different to each other and also similar in many ways.

It makes managing the household very challenging.

Comparison is the thief of joy @Cantfinishanything if you go about constantly comparing yourself to others you will make yourself miserable.

Have you considered access to work via gov.uk? I have employees who have benefited hugely from the support offerings that they recommend and your employer contributes to.

They will look at your specific challenges and make an "award" based on them.

I have had people have adhd coaching with a professional ND coach, specialised tablets, wfh setups and taxis all arranged and paid for via access to work for different people.

You may also be entitled to Pip and other benefits and there are charities that can help you with finances.

If you need more info on the support available to you let me know and I will add more.

This 100%.

I look at my MIL who, I suspect, has absolutely AWFUL ADHD. She has had to sort of muddle through. She's extraordinarily intelligent which I think helped her becuase she figured out ways to do things for herself. But they were often ineffectiev and inefficient and she's struggled her whole life.

If she was a man however, she'd have been able to simply abandon all of that organising and mental load and just focus on where her super intelligence could have got her.

Neither DH or MIL are diagnosed but I feel confident that they have it. This weekend, DH very (unusually) got proactive - knowing that DD's BFF's mum was picking her up at 9 am he thought, "I should make sure I'm up to let her in". So he set an alarm for 8:50. It literally didn't cross his mind that with 2 10 year olds to manage, waiting up 10. minutes before pick up was NOT sufficient to be ready. It was a fascinating insight into his mind.

I also think that people who do have together have a lot of things adapted to us in our life. I look like I have it together but I don’t do anything todo with feeding our family (cooking, planning, shopping). I have a job that has flexible working so I can start when I like and end when I like, it has very few deadlines. I have a joint credit card with my husband which acts like a “body double” so I don’t over spend like in my 20s. Do I think I’d be coping without these adaptions? No not at all, I’m just lucky I’ve managed to set up my life that it seems like I’m together, but it’s still a struggle.

My 18 year has significant ADHD. She takes medication and this helps her function well at college Without medication her day would be a total write off. I ensure I am on top of ordering, getting her to appointments and ensuring she never runs out. I will be all over this for as long as possible.

It's sounds like you desperately need medication and maybe focus on getting that sorted and other things will become easier.

She's recently started going to the gym and has built this into her routine. This has give her mental health a significant boost and she's been much more regulated. This is where her autism can help as she likes routine and this is in turn helps her ADHD.

That figures! I bet you're very good at that side of your work too, I notice the problem you mention there is the RSD rather than your performance in the rol. Hope it doesn't sound patronising to say that as someone who is not like that at all, I do envy that trait in others.

I bet your parenting is probably similar too, if you're like DH. He was of course appalling at things like appointments, but great at reactive stuff.

I saw a reel on Instagram this morning. It was "apparently" a video about perspectives. The woman said "in the photo you're about to see, can you pick out 3 items that are blue". Up pops an image of a white desk with 4 or 5 blue items, a couple of white items and a yellow vase. Then it cuts back to her and she says "I bet you didn't notice the yellow vase because you were so focussed on looking for blue things....". I decided to look at the comments, because the yellow vase stuck out like a sore thumb and I wanted to see what other people had to say. It was just endless comments of "I have ADHD, I saw everything" or "I have ADHD so of course I saw the yellow Vase", or variations of such. It seems everyone who saw that video has ADHD.

So I genuinely believe this sort of content is created so people like me, who are undiagnosed but have been told (by a MH practitioner) that I "might" have ADHD, can use this simplistic nonsense for some confirmation bias and continue with their self diagnoses of ADHD. (I personally feel I have a little more about me than to just decide off of that what I may or may not have). The internet is full of this sort of thing and why as a PP said, it's so easy for people to label themselves, as so many do with OCD - which has absolutely nothing to do with how clean your kitchen is.

My reply doesn't help you at all, but given the video I saw this morning, I can see why you feel as you do.

I can't open my mail. Got bailiffs threatening. Credit score non existent. And that's with meds.

meds changed my life. Please try them. That said, my kids were my hyper focus so I rarely forgot stuff when it came to them. I have a fear of being late so I'm early to everything. I have good support when I can't manage to clean my house etc or face shopping and cooking. I've been in the depths like you are and it's hell. But I also got out of it (pre meds). Mental health support, fresh air and exercise were what helped but it was a slow process. Also my sister helped me re debt by calling people. (I need her to help me again).

One thing I would caution you about - being open about struggles is a good thing and I think you should do it. BUT, I think it's very important to also be clear about what solutions you are aiming to implement and/or what specific help you might need. You haven't said if you're medicated and I think in your case, it would be important to seek medication if you haven't already.

Because one of the problems for any ND person is walking the line between asking for support/reasonable accomodations and, in the perception of the rest of the world, using it as an excuse.

DS has recently been resisting taking his meds. The inevitable result is that things have been less good at school and he's now on watchlist for lateness. This weekend we discussed that he needs to take his meds - and yes, we'll try some different ones - because he needs to get back into being on time. And the school is understanding of his ADHD, but are likely ot be less understanding if he is not ALSO putting in the work.

DH has ADHD, diagnosed as a child. I have ASD, diagnosed at 17. We’ve just had to accept our roles are different, like I accept that I am the planner and organiser for 70% of things. If I give him a list, he does it, we have a big daily planner on the wall that I fill in. We have a list by the door where I write anything of great importance. We use the TimeTree app as well which is really useful. He still plans date night and surprises me often with things I like, but most of the planning is my job. It can be a bit annoying but he helps me with a lot of my issues as well, so we are a very good team. He does pull his weight and probably does more house work than me. We pay my mum to clean once a week (she’s retired but she needs something to do, she’s one of them) and that really helps. I handle the finances, but he brings in a lot more money than me.

I know it can be pretty hard for him and sometimes I do get frustrated but I know I can be pretty annoying as well. There are also some positives of it - he has really good social skills and is a people person. People really like him. Basically always get a room upgrade whenever we stay away, he’s very good at diffusing tension (doesn’t matter if it’s between kids or adults). These are all areas where I am lacking. He is also better at wrangling all three children at the same time than I am, something I’m in awe of.

I think we make a good team but if we didn’t have each other neither of us would be able to maintain the life we have.

It doesn’t sound like laziness at all, it sounds like untreated or unsupported ADHD, and I actually got formally diagnosed through ADHD Certify. Getting that validation helped me realise these patterns weren’t moral failures, they were executive function issues.

The people who look like they’re “thriving” often have treatment, structure, or support you don’t see. Same condition doesn’t mean same resources. You’re not broken, you’re overwhelmed and probably carrying a lot of shame. Support makes a real difference.

OP I could have written your post bar the CCJ’s.
I am on the waiting list to be diagnosed been waiting 5 years so far but I’m not sure I even want a diagnosis. I am 50 and totally admit that I never thought about having adhd until I saw it on tik tok just like everyone else. I just assumed before that I am a fat, lazy slob who never takes pride in anything even if I do something well as nothing ever seems like an achievement. I’ve never been able to tidy, I didn’t leave home until my late 20’s and assumed it was because I was immature/behind. I’m one of those annoying people who in any conversation i will say , “oh yes I’ve done that” as I’ve had so many jobs & hobbies (including sports) over the years. I also struggle to discipline my kids (didn’t become a mum til 40) as I don’t have the wherewithal to see it through.

I often wonder how those who claim to have adhd manage to live such immaculate lives? Often on social media they’re beautiful and they’ve been able to sit still enough to apply great make up or dye their hair a range of colours, how? They talk about ‘struggling’ but they must overcome it somehow and that makes me feel even more of a failure. I’ve never found one sm account that looks like your post OP, I think that’s cos most of us would feel judged.

I’m not even sure I want a diagnosis. What happens if I haven’t got adhd and I am just a fat, lazy slob I’ve always assumed myself to be? And what happens if I have it? Can mediation make me tidy? Can it make me organised and not late and not be a massive pressure on my husband who doesn’t understand? I literally can’t imagine how that would work!

Alternatively a job where you're constantly "on" and running on adrenaline with no opportunity to slack can also work well.

My DH is like that. Great in a work crisis too because ooh, all the lovely dopamine! A chance to hyperfocus and not do any boring stuff!

HRTFT but DH is like you. He has all the things you describe you don't...because all the mental load is left to me and I do it all. If it's left to him I have to check it's been done and years of experience shows it's easier to do it myself.
We've been married over thirty years and initially I didn't notice because I was young and naive. As the years have gone on it's become harder because our lives are so different. I don't get to opt out. It does feel like I've done the boring bits of our whole adult lives together.
I must say the resentment grew expedientally when I became seriously ill. He's never done it, therefore has no idea of how much extra this has involved mentally and physically.
For example, DH believes he equally parented our now adult DC. Nothing could be further from the truth. He was barely present, let alone hands-on. It wouldn't be so bad if he even recognised (as you do) that he has a life that he wouldn't have been capable of creating. He doesn't even know DC's dates of birth.
I know he can't help it. It doesn't mean it's easy to live with. My greatest fear is something happening to me. That has eased a little now the DC are adults, but I worry for his life. I know it would be chaotic.
Last week the only task I gave him was to take my car in for a service as he's been using it. His is a shed. I booked it in, only to later receive a text from the garage. He forgot. Now, I'm stuck due to make a long journey, feeling the impact of his ADHD yet again. That was the only adult 'thing' I asked last week.
Our two DSs are also diagnosed. Yes, it's difficult, but I was determined they would have better tools to manage life, structure is key.