My mum died should I see MIL this Mothersday?

OP's mum has just died, and she is happy for her DH and DC to go and spend Mother's Day with MIL, that is very kind and generous of OP. Why does OP need to celebrate her MIL?!

OP, I agree with pp, DH should spend a few hours with MIL and then you and DH and kids have the rest of the day. If you want some alone time, send the kids. If you want your kids with you, DH can go and see MIL alone.

Not particularly....
It's a legit question. I'm not clear if she likes her MIL or not from the OP.

I must have worded it badly as someone else has their back up over it.

I would want my children with me on mothers day. I think its sadder to be alone.
I also would be more worried about offending my children rather than my mil...

i personally dont understand why OP suggested leaving herself alone other than because dh is set on seeing his mum and she doesnt like her.

if I didnt like my mil (I dont like mine...) I wouldnt be sending my husband and children off th spend the day with them as OP is doing. I would want the children to be with me and do things as a family and Dh sees his mum the day before or breakfast or something if you dont fancy celebrating together.

Grief is non linear and losing your mum is incredibly hard. maybe OP does want space - it wouldnt be what I'd choose and she might regret not spending it with her kids....

nowhere does this op state she does not like her mill.
her mum dies weeks ago and her grief is still raw.

I don’t think I’ve ever seen my MIL on Mothers’ Day. I’m quite fond of her, but she’s DH’s mother, not mine.

Sorry for your loss, OP. Do exactly what feels right and best for you.💐

You are a mother to your children. Your MIL is their grandmother, not their mother. It is not grandmother's day.
Therefore if you want to spend the day with your children, that is what you should do. DH can of course go and see his mother. But if you are happy for the children to go with DH for all or part of the day, that's fine too.

Basically, DH should see his mother on mother's day. Your children should see you on mother's day.
It's very nice to all get together in a big group sometimes on mother's day, but if it doesn't work for you this year, say so. If MIL is even vaguely decent she will understand perfectly.

I’m really sorry for your loss xx

The first Mother’s Day, the kids brought me breakfast in bed then went to see MIL with DH and I went for a run. Then they came home and we spent the day together quietly.

that was 8 years ago. I still don’t go sometimes if the grief is feeling brutal (sometimes it whacks you out of nowhere!) and my MIL has been nothing but understanding.

I love my MIL very much, and celebrate other occasions with her, but not Mother’s Day. That hurts too much.

Did you enjoy writing that?

Exactly!
I lost my mum two years ago and appreciated having some time alone on the day.

I was in your position 4 years ago - first Mother’s Day without my mother. My husband and children spent the morning and early afternoon with me (had a nice breakfast then a walk in the woods nearby to see the daffodils) then they took my (lovely) mother in law out for afternoon tea while I paid a visit to my dad. And he and I took some flowers to my mother’s grave. We continued with similar arrangements in subsequent years. I have a very good relationship with my mother in law. I used to take her out for lunch sometimes and call in to see her independently of my husband; so she was not in the least bit offended.

I hope you find peace and healing.

Agree, but as a single parent to autistic kids, they didn't need to see me cry a lot, as they need stability, and I needed to be able to have a good cry without them around and then having to deal with their meltdowns. They needed shopping. Thankfully they were getting fed at exs as he lived closer to school and they went there, but I still needed to get them food for breakfast and lunch etc.

If I were your MIL I wouldn’t expect to see you after losing your Mum and would expect my son to make the day special for you to distract you.

I think you might regret not spending the day with your own children. I think sometimes younger people feel they need to sacrifice for the older generations, forgetting they could just as easily not be around to see the next Mother’s Day.

Although I can understand the sentiment that you might want to spend the time alone to reflect on your mother, do you think that’s how your mother would have wanted you to spend it?

I think I would be inclined to visit MIL either on the Saturday or a different weekend so that you all still see her, but would spend mother day with your children making new lovely memories for you and your children.

I'm sorry about your Mum 💕

i think you should leave it until the day to decide. DH can make plans to take the DC to see his mum & you can go, or not, depending on how you feel at ffs time. No need to decide now 🌷

remind DH you are not him & if you choose not to go & be alone instead that's YOUR choice & something YOU are happy with.

I dont think you need to worry about upsetting your MIL by not going.

What do you want to do. Do you want a day to yourself, or to spend time with the children you are mother to? Or a bit of both? Be a bit selfish.

Then the kids should stay home rather than op having to go

I think this is one of those times when you can do what is right for you.

I would spend the morning with your own children and then spend some time on your own, visiting your mum's grave, taking care of yourself whatever that looks like to you. Butbthats what I would do.

Depending on your relationship with your mother in law, I would perhaps speak to her about it beforehand and explain your feelings. Most reasonable people would support you in doing what is right for you. You're not trying to stop your husband from seeing her or taking your children to see her so I don't think there is any unreasonableness.

In your MIL's shoes, I would want to know that you were OK and that you were doing what ti's right for you. You'd be welcome but not expected.

I feel I would be ok with the alone time to reflect on my own lovely mum (I do appreciate having time alone to do this) will I regret it horribly on the day and be completely miserable?

Speaking from experience, this is how I would have felt. Sat in an empty house on Mothers Day would have sent me under massively. Seeing MIL would be a welcome distraction and cheer me up for a couple of hours.

Although I suppose it massively depends on what you're like as a person and what your relationship with your MIL is like...

If she's caring and understanding and you could have an easy, relaxed time with her, I would go along with your DH. I think you'd be glad you did.

When my mum died it never occured to me not to see my mil we spent time together and laughed about some happy memories

I dont think you should go unless you suddenly decide you want to.
I do think your children should do something nice for you before they head off or when they get back or both.
Id expect your MIL to be understanding.

This, with bells on x

Do whatever feels right for you OP. If you wouldn't feel comfortable going to your MIL's house on your first Mother's Day without your mum, it's fine for you not to go and either stay at home or do something for yourself.

I agree. Mother's Day is about you as well as other mums.

I found all the firsts really brutal after I lost my mum. Stay at home, send the rest of them to see Mil and be kind to yourself. I’d totally understand my Dil not wanting to see me if she’d just lost her mum.

Its good for children to see you cry too and to cry with you. Its teaching a healthy emotional response. If they dont see you cry they wont want to.

OP, sincere condolences in the death of your DM - I know only too well how hard it can be. As far as your dilemma is concerned, your DC will want to spend the day with you, and your DH wants to see his DM with the DC. You are still a family - what would your own DM have thought you should do? I know without a shadow of doubt that mine would have said, “Take the DC to see your MIL”. You don’t in any way diminish your DM’s memory by seeing your MIL, and I’m sure your MIL would very much appreciate seeing you. I’m sure your DH would appreciate it, and you could tell him that you don’t want to stay too long. Do it for your DH and DC.

Do you not like your MIL?

You are also a mother so I'd want to spend the day with my children...