My mum died should I see MIL this Mothersday?

Nope mil will understand. Tell your dh you need some time to mourn and remember in quiet. He can take the kids to see his mum and you can spend afternoon how you want

My MIL wanted to spend her first Mother’s Day after her mum’s death on her own. She had always gone to visit her mum on the day, and just wanted some space to remember her without feeling the need to either host or be hosted by us. We offered, she gracefully declined. You do whatever works for you OP - if your MiL is a kind person then she shouldn’t begrudge you anything, and you can choose at the last minute. So sorry for the loss of your mum x

I am so sorry for your loss @TheZingySheep. I think you are absolutely ok to not go. It’s completely up to you what you do but I just wanted to say that it’s ok to be selfish, your feelings matter here a lot. If it helps at all I wanted to share what we did for the first Father’s Day after my lovely FIL died. I arranged to take my dad out the day before and celebrate him then and although there was no expectation on him to my husband did come with us, the restaurant not being full of everyone celebrating really helped him feel comfortable to I think. Then on actual Father’s Day we went to visit his Dad’s grave in the morning and then made the rest of the day about my husband being a dad. For completely different reasons I’m struggling with Mother’s Day too this year so just wanted to say that I’m thinking of you and sending you a hug. Be kind to yourself.

I would be very happy to spend the day by myself but then I'm an introvert who loves my own space. Could you not have breakfast with your DC and then they go out to your MILs? Take the afternoon to remember your Mum in your own way.

I spent my first mothering sunday after my mothers passing with MIl

Having said that

My mother died late May so it was almost 1 year on

I had a close loving relationship with MIL and a fraught relationship with my mother

I lost my mum a few years back. The first few years of special events are definitely more emotional and challenging to navigate.

Im sure your MIL is a lovely woman and would understand what you are going through. Maybe send DH with some personal flowers or card from yourself.

Things definitely feel a bit easier (not easy but easier) for me now after a certain amount of time has elapsed but when the Mother’s Day cards came out this year my first thought was which one would she like followed by ‘oh yes I have no one to by one for.’

Our church does a remembrance table as part of the Mothering Sunday service. So I might bring a picture or item along for that. In previous years you could light a candle of remembrance. Just an idea if you are that way inclined. Or you could get a little candle an light it at home for your mum while you have a bit of peace and quiet. 💐

Do what feels best to you, you are in the early stages of grieving. Prioritise yourself.

Do you dislike the MIL or is it that it will be just too tough for you to spend the day as reminds you of not having your own mum?

We're all different. Doesn't really matter how other people might approach this. Do what you feel would work best for you

Sorry for your loss OP.
I agree this would be the nicest way to proceed in the circumstances and gives you MIL some time with your husband as well as making space for your sadness.

I think it's the fact her mum has died and that may be a bit preoccupying on mothers day?

OP noone sane will think you not going means you dont like her, don't feel you have to go for fear of them being offended or how it looks, they'll understand.

Did you actually read the OP? OP is grieving and doesn’t feel like “popping over for coffee with a card”🙄

Do whatever you want! No guilt needed. If she makes a fuss then who cares, you’re grieving and your peace of mind is more important. Sorry for your loss

I think you could either leave it until the day to decide or, probably an unpopular opinion, I actually think your husband should skip going to see his mum this year. He should go the day before then your little family unit can go out somewhere nice for the whole day.

I’ve never gone to my MILs on mother’s day even since my mum died , likewise for Father’s Day , however my children wouldn’t go to the in-laws either , they’d be wherever I was . Sorry for your loss

I'd suggest he goes to see her in the morning for a couple of hours and you have your family back with you in the afternoon to do something. Surely mil and dh will be understanding that this one will be hard enough for you as it is.

So sorry to read about your mum, OP. 💐

It's very early days and I would not have been ready to celebrate Mothering Sunday with someone else's mum so soon after. Could your husband and children split their time between you and his mum? She would understand, surely?

I started working in a restaurant after my mum died and found working on Mother's Day hard for many years.

I’d see how you feel on the day.

It’s often hard to predict how we’re going to feel in these sorts of situations and sometimes you just have to feel your way through. I found grieving was unpredictable and dates I thought I would find hard were fine but then I could’ve blindsided by something I hadn’t given a second thought to.

Theres no right or wrong in this situation, just what makes you feel most comfortable.

I saw my FIL on Father’s Day after my dad died, didn’t cross my mind not to see him as he’s husband’s dad and we love him. Spent most of the day with my siblings and their kids remembering our lovely dad and eating good food.

spend time with your own little family then send them all off to Mil’s, if she is a decent person she will understand what a hard day it is for you and not be offended at not seeing you. You have had two of the worst ‘firsts’ while everything is still so raw for you

You're allowed to not go OP, regardless of anything else. It's Mother's Day and you're a mum too so I would make sure the day involves you doing something nice with your kids, regardless of whether your DH wants to go see his mum. Maybe you can split the day. The morning for you all as a family, and then in the afternoon DH goes to see his mum. Or vice versa.

Honestly when my mum died the first Mother's Day afterwards was just excruciating. It had been a few months but the pain was just unbearable and I missed her so much. I spent the day listening to her music, going for a walk, and just crying. It was needed and cathartic. The day after she died was Christmas and I had no issues going to see my in laws at all, but Mother's Day (and my birthday) both felt so different.

Do what's best for you. If your MIL gets upset that you want to spend Mother's Day however you wish to when you've just lost your mum then that puts her in a bad light tbh and makes her sound very selfish.

Sorry for your loss OP.
I think that given your recent loss, it should be entirely up to you what you want to do, and, what you need from your family that day.
If you want to spend half the day with your family, then the other half sending them to MIL's while you do your own thing, then do that.
Personally I think wouldn't really want to be alone with my sadness, so I really don't think it's unreasonable to ask your DH for him to just pop in for a cuppa with his mum, and spend the rest of the day with you, giving extra support at this point in time.

I mean even my XMIL gave me the option of not coming for Xmas last year, due to my mum passing away a few months earlier. She was really empathetic about it, and checked in on how I was feeling coming up to the day.
I would like to think that any decent person would be understanding of that, especially for you with mother's day.

I think you want to spend the day alone from reading your post; perhaps you ca all have brunch at home before sending DH and DC to MIL and maybe plan something just for yourself in the afternoon? Spa? Just a coffee at your favourite spot? Something you’d enjoy and have some quiet time to reflect on your mother.

We rarely see mil on Mother’s Day as we are usually doing something as a family (they live a hour away so can’t just pop in) we usually see her the weekend before or after. Like yourself I’ve lost my mum.
if she’s close could dh pop in for an hour and plan rest of day with you

You should do whatever most makes sense to you. Don't give your MIL a thought - unless she's a psychopath she'll understand how hard this is for you.

When it happened to me, I took myself out to one of my favourite places, a wildlife reserve a few miles away, to just be still with my thoughts. Hearing the birds, seeing the blossom brought me a lot of comfort.

I still have my mum but my lovely dad died, and for the few weeks after I was going through the motiins of being a human being. My husband was amazing but I still wanted to be around for my kids, but it was hard to prioritise what was important and to function on anything more than a basic level. Basically whatever feels right for you, do that.
One idea that very much depends on things like your house and relationships, would be for your husband to invite his mum over on mother's day, and do a meal, then you could join in as much or little as you want, and just have a bath or chill in your room. That does require a normal competant husband and not the Mumsnet ones who can't function independently, and also depends on your relationship with the in laws. If you don't think they'd be empathetic then sack it off.