To find my dysfunctional 70yr+ parents unbearable for hoarding + wittholding seeing wills?

You might not have to carry any load as they may leave everything to your brother.

Your update makes it sound as if the problem is predominantly with your father, possibly made worse by your mother not challenging him.
As in so many situations you need to separate this into strands and also focus on things you can change.
Maybe don’t ask about wills and end of life on your next visit, take your mother out somewhere and try to have a chat, ask open questions, is there anything she is worried about, is there anything you can do to help…?
Be led by her. Have you told her about organisations for families of alcoholics? Does she ever visit you rather than you go to them?
You have learned that you can’t control the hoarding so stop trying.
For yourself, keep building a full, rich life doing things that bring you satisfaction and pleasure. Consider doing some work on controlling your anxiety, learning how to switch off the constant worry. Maybe set aside a time each week to speak to your mother and think about it then put it aside mentally.
Try to find some black humour if you can.

My adult dd had taken to policing dh and I - were in our 50’s - it seems she thinks she knows how we should live our lives, my sil does this to mil too - what is it with daughters being bossy and controlling- allow you parents to live life the way they want to - I love my daughter but if she continues to try to police my choices (and if she behaved like you) she will ruin our relationship because I’m done tolerating her nonsense. Op you need to gain some self control and butt out.

They are grown adults and you shouldn’t be wasting energy on parenting them.

The only thing I would do is make sure they have wills.

They don’t need to discuss house sale etc with you if they’re clearly uncomfortable with it. When parents die and probate is completed, you:

1. Take any valuables, photo albums etc
2. Hire a clearance company to empty the house
3. Sell the house

It’s really simple, don’t overthink it. They will not change no matter how hard you try

WTF? "Mend their ways"???? Who are you the life police?? You'd want them to live in a way that's alien to them for the remainder of their lives, sat in a minimalist environment devoid of their possessions just because you deem it "better" 🙄

OP, as PP's have said, get on with your own life, your parents may live for another 20 years, and at the end of the day it is their life to live.

I wouldn't bother tidying up and shifting things in boxes if you aren't going to take them away. They will only reopen them or buy to replace. This is a waste of your physical and mental energy so don't do it. Re the will like another poster said be prepared that they will likely give the house and whatever else to your brother.

Cleaning the home, arranging funerals will be a thankless task that will fall on you. Kept it simple, don't allow it to twist you up in knots or keep you up at night. You hire a skip and do it yourself or use a removal company.They get to choose how they live,once they pass then it is up to you how you respond.

You live 300 plus miles away… how often do you actually see them?

Having read a previous thread by OP I think she’s just come out of an awful relationship and so probably is feeling isolated and stressed.
Now both my parents are gone, I realise it’s just a time of change - the level of feeling depends upon your relationship with them.
This couple live in chaos and are happy to do so - leave them to it, they aren’t going to change.
They probably don’t have a will. If they do the may not remember where it is. If they have and have left everything to the brother, that I do understand.
Instead of spending time humping boxes about I would spend the time with my brother. He is the one who needs support, and in a way he feel comfortable.
He may not have vocalised it but he’s probably anxious about being alone one day. The best thing you can do is be there for him.
Can you help with some basic life lessons that go at his pace?
It doesn’t have to be dull, either.

How old are you @ByRoseSnake ?

I think a greater priority is probably to make clear to them that you won’t be stepping in to look after your brother

I’m firmly in the let them get on with it camp.
I do think you need to prepare yourself for them to leave everything to your brother, due to his apparent greater need, and to name you as executor in the will.
It’s important to know that you do not have to take on the role of executor if you don’t want to even if named in the will. This isn’t my area of law so if it happens you should take advice because if you want to recuse yourself you must ensure you haven’t “meddled” in the estate.
Personally, if this happened to me I would not act as executor and would let my brother get on with it.

@ByRoseSnake You sound like my elder stepson. I am in my mid-70s and my partner is mid-80s. We live in the UK. The self-important child (a civil servant in his 50s) persisted in interfering and giving unwanted, unhelpful and impractical advice - despite having no clue about anything and living 5,000 miles away.

We are perfectly competent - at least, I am! It hasn't ended well for him and I would say if you have any sense, back off now.

I think @LadyMacbethWasFierce and @Lougle have written particularly helpful posts.

For me, deciding to have therapy wasn’t about my parents, but it did help me with all my relationships and my own life. You really might benefit as well.

Oh yes and I agree, stop sorting their shit out for them on visits. Only help if they ask. Otherwise take them to a coffee shop or a pub so you don’t have to look at it and save yourself a (pointless) job.

If they will tell you who their solicitor is, that's all you need to know regarding their wills.

I have a lot of sympathy but you have got to take a massive step back for your own good.

In terms of sentimental attachments, make a list of 2-3 things now which you are attached to and maybe ask to get copies of a couple of good photos/ take a few more. Resolve that this might be it and move on.

Then deal with the rest of it when the moment comes- if/ when they move out they might take some stuff with them, you can give yourself and your brother a bit of time to look through other stuff and find the wills, then engage a house clearance company and/ or skip. Many many people do exactly this.

With regard to your brother, he will have an inheritance and will have to stand on his own two feet and/ or get help from social services. You can support him but that’s it.

I think just make your own plan and then move on, try to enjoy their company and avoid getting into conflict over the same thing again and again.

Just leave them to it. Why would you spend 4 hours cleaning somebody else's mess knowing they won't make changes? Unless you get social services involved nothing will change except for your health. You will lose that while they continue to live contentedly in chaos.

As someone nearing 80, I agree. Just because we’re getting old doesn’t mean we have to be selfish! DH and I made our wills several years ago. DS has a copy. There are no secrets. Last year we also set up financial LPAs with them. We are both mentally competent, although we have some ongoing health issues.

We don’t want them to have added stress when we die. Death, particularly in old age, is inevitable, yet some people avoid any mention of it. We don’t dwell on it, but putting things in order was the least we could do.

I understand the OP being concerned about dealing with the aftermath once her parents are gone.

I understand the strain of elderly parents, when you’re the only sibling that does anything.

But, 70 isn’t that old, they are together, and you don’t need to see their wills.

Hi op, I don't know of you'll read this, you've taken a fair bit of flack, so may have given up on this thread. I just wanted to say I agree with the majority of posters who say you need to let this go. I'm guessing the disorganisation is not a new thing, and also suspect that as a result of your upbringing you are completely the opposite, hence wanting to help your parents get things in order for your own peace of mind.
I think for your own sanity just let them get on with it and deal with whatever arises if and when. You've had lots of advice re house clearance etc. You can't change people, but you can learn to embrace them simply for who they are. You may find as they get older your brother will have to step up, ie getting groceries, paying bills etc. Do not step in and enable him to carry on his merry way, keep that 300 miles between you, and should you have any welfare concerns in the future you let SS deal with them. You can love and support without sacrificing your own life. 💐

I think the above was really valid advice. With modern healthcare, one or both of them could live for another 15-20 years (my PiL are a moderately healthy 86 despite a few falls and Parkinsons) so it is a bit insensitive to keep asking about death planning. Appreciate their home is a mess, but you just have to close your eyes on that and step away. As a PP above says, there are services to help and - kindly - you may not be included in the will anyway as they may have decided to leave it all to your brother, however unfair that may seem. It could be his problem, not yours.

Your priorities are all wrong. Why are you so focused on their will and what happens after they die when it sounds like they have a lot of problems right now? If you want to help them, help them now - tackle the hoarding and the alcoholism and any other problems. If you don't want to help them now, leave them alone. The will is entirely irrelevant right now and there is a danger that it will appear that your only focus is their money.

@ByRoseSnake, do you think they dont want you to see the wills as they are leaving the house to your hopeless brother, as they feel he needs it more than you?

My parents didn’t plan - I’ve had arguments with my DM about the lack “of a plan”. In reality she won’t make a plan, her quality of life is greatly effected by the lack of planning but I need to sit back and let it play out. I’ve set up shopping, personal fall alarm, made her home safe (it wasn’t) and she has carers going in, I try to see her roughly 8 weeks a year. I’m dreading clearing out the house when the time comes, also knowing that despite there being three other sibling (living much closer than I) it will ALL fall on me.

OP they will plod along, until things happen, such as a fall or illness, then treat each incident by helping them make the best decision in the moment.

Stop “clearing” when you go, clean if you want but clearing is pointless, let them fail a bit.

when it comes to dealing with the house you get your brother to be present and halve the tasks, don’t pander. You can delay between exchange and completion to allow him to secure a rental property.