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AIBU?

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Original poster

To find my dysfunctional 70yr+ parents unbearable for hoarding + wittholding seeing wills?

288 replies

ByRoseSnake · 02/03/2026 03:24

Apologies if this is the wrong place to post this - maybe I'll get some insights here. I just feel like I'm parenting my own 70+ parents at this point.

I'm tearing my hair out - and, basically, scared shitless. While I've been struggling to build an independent life and career 300+ miles away for the past 10yrs, my tiny family (who I love dearly) have pretended that time doesn't pass at all.
(For the record, there is only 3 in my family, due to family deaths and no extended family, enforced social isolation etc - so it's just my 2 parents, my older brother who is 30 + has never left home, apparently autistic but refuses to be formally diagnosed, or pull any of his own weight...)

While it's nice to pretend that time doesn't pass, I have been gently asking them for a long time about how they wish to proceed with wills, funerals, life after death, how to manage selling their house etc... This has been going on for over 6 yrs and I've had nothing from them. Apparently the wills are "none of my business", but it lives in "a draw" somewhere - according to my dad. My mum says she has no idea and sighs and just says "oh dear". They have no idea how much the house is even valued at... I'm in no way trying to dig around or pry, but should I at least know where they keep the wills, and have a basic awareness of what to do when they pass??

The main problem is that my dad is a high-functioning alcoholic, but also they are all chronic hoarders, saying for years they will "sort things out". It has only become worse. I'm talking having to make pathways of clutter just to enter certain rooms - in a 3 bedroom house. It is mostly my dad's chronic compulsive spending problem e.g. becoming obsessed with a musical instrument and spending his entire state pension on 3 different banjos that never get played again, because he decided he was interested in banjos after watching a YouTube video...
(for context: I visit home, spend 4hrs cleaning and sorting books, gadgets and crap into boxes, which my parents promise will be taken to charity shops/tip - only to visit 2 months later and it's back in the same place urrrghhh.)

I don't have complaints against people spending their own money - at whatever age - on what they enjoy, but his attitude deeply concerns me. When I earnestly asked "what would you like us (me) to do with all of this stuff when you pass? Shouldn't we be sorting out what is sentimental, of value and important now, rather than later?" He just replied - "I don't care. You can just pay to order a skip and throw it all in there. I'll be dead anyway."
:( Thanks Dad. I don't even know where family photos and documents are stored etc

Nobody else seems to have any awareness of how serious the situation is.
And my brother doesn't even know how to boil an egg, let alone help with these things - he just runs off to his room and says "that's your problem" to me... He hasn't even registered that he'll be homeless if this isn't established, once the time comes. He's been living at home for 10yrs and didn't even know what a metre reading was when I visited at Christmas. I'm definitely not becoming his replacement mummy.

But then I feel like I'll be entirely alone in the world - no family, and a huge amount of mess, memories and mental turmoil to clean up. And no idea about where and how money is going with house sale - or care homes, if that does come up.

It's keeping me up at night - while I'm just simply trying to build my own little life (while keeping the family peace!)

I'm so, so tired of feeling like I have to parent them all. I've tried so hard to talk to them rationally.
And yeah.
Scared shitless about the future AIBU for that, given circumstances?

OP posts:
Thread gallery
7
Parrlorwarrior · 02/03/2026 10:37

graygoose · 02/03/2026 03:37

I’m sorry OP. I’m a trusts and estates lawyer with limited experience in probate and what you’ve described is sadly very common. You have no legal right to see their Wills while they are still alive and frustratingly there is nothing you can do to force someone to plan for their passing. Some people’s plan is just to let their kids sort it out when they die with no guidance.

It sounds to me like this might me more than about the Will and probate. I sympathise as an eldest daughter with a useless sibling. Your instinct is to take control of a situation that feels messy and stressful. And it’s a hard lesson for people like us that sometimes we can’t, especially where other people are involved.

There are services that can help with sorting after your parents pass ie not just throw it all in a skip. There is a Tell Us Once service from the government to inform most government authorities of a death. You can hire a solicitor for the probate although I appreciate funds may be limited. But once you are in it I promise it’s not as bad as you are imagining.

This is excellent advice. My late MIL was a hoarder. DH tried repeatedly to help her but she was having none of it.

When she died we filled three skips and were told by the local charity shops to stop bringing stuff.

Your parents could live for ages yet. Stop worrying, when the time comes it’s doable.

Firry · 02/03/2026 10:35

I’m really confused as to why you think it’s anything to do with you. It’s their assets not yours. Why would you want to turf your brother out of his home when your parents die? Why would you want that?

You sounds really nosey, just out to get what money you can. If I were them I’d tell you to get lost too.

funnelfan · 02/03/2026 10:34

clickyteeclick · 02/03/2026 07:33

Could I ask how you would find the elderly parents board? Thank you ☺️

Show quote history

it depends if you’re reading on the app or a browser but on my phone you go to talk at the top of the screen and you get the list of all the different boards

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/elderly_parents

@ByRoseSnake you’re right to be concerned but you’ve focused on the wrong thing. It’s not their death you should be worried about, it’s living but not coping and needing support. Not wills but lasting power of attorney. Most utilities and all banks will refuse to deal with you without one, even for something as simple as a fault in the phone line needing fixing. A common scenario would be one of them has a stroke that leaves them needing help to wash, dress, toilet. Unfortunately everyone (doctors, social services) would assume with a younger adult at home that he would take over the basics of household management. It doesn’t sound like this is a realistic prospect for your family.

It’s a terrible thing to watch this slow motion car crash happen in front of you but all you can do is protect yourself. Stop trying to fix things now and save your energy for the real crises ahead. Drop into the Cockroach Cafe on the elderly parent board, it’s the long running general support thread for bad daughters dealing with elderly relatives.

Caring For Elderly Parents Forum UK | Mumsnet

Caring for elderly parents brings many challenges. Whether its finding carers, picking retirement homes or something else, Get support and advice here.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/elderly_parents

GasPanic · 02/03/2026 10:32

Sounds like you are getting wound up over something you can't control.

Never a good idea.

They have already told you that they don't care what happens to the stuff when they die.

You will be amazed how cheap and quick it is to order a massive skip and clear the place out

It's really as much of a problem as you want to make of it. At the moment all you are doing is annoying them and winding yourself up.

They'll be a time when you can actually take control and deal with the situation.

If you don't want to at any point you can just walk away.

They shouldn't have to live their lives to make it easier for you when they die. And you aren't obliged to deal with the mess they leave behind if you don't want to.

anotheranonanon · 02/03/2026 10:31

Older people often don’t like to think about their own mortality. My mum died intestate. It was fine and very easy to sort much easier than my dad’s estate and he had a will!

TheBestThingthatAlmostHappened · 02/03/2026 10:30

I think you need to separate what is in your control and what isn't.

You can't make your brother more independent, but you can make sure that he and your parents are aware that you will not be taking over his care.

You can't clear out their home whilst they are in it but they can be made aware that if they need to go into a home they may well not be able to take the things they value if you can't find them.

As for the will, you have no control at all and will just have to see what happens if they don't want to share. However, it sounds like they are quite disorganised and it's likely it will end up being the intestacy rules.

Original poster
ByRoseSnake · 02/03/2026 10:29

Gassylady · 02/03/2026 10:09

I have only just started reading the thread, this really stood out to me “the memories attached to a lot of things” The memories are the memories they don’t need an attached thing to be real, caution that you don’t have some of the hoarding mindset yourself! I have some lovely things that were my mum or nans and I remember using with them but that are practical too. However some things that were so sentimental to them that were “kept for best” I did not keep. I did however feel obliged to try and find a good place to rehome them!

Show quote history

Yes, I can resonate with this - that's a good question. I was thinking particularly of things like family photos and letters, perhaps items that were incredibly special to my parents in their lives as a few mementos. I have asked, but I get quite vague answers.

But yes, I will also have to careful not myself to drift into hoarding! (I think it's considered inheritable?)

And again, just to clarify in response to some posters, I care deeply about my parents and their quality of life right now. I'm not pestering or waiting impatiently for them to die. But it is scary being left completely in the dark with no extended family, and I would appreciate some basic intel to prepare for when the inevitable happens.

But maybe some things won't change.

OP posts:
Iwasneverafan · 02/03/2026 10:28

Do they care as deeply about you?
They certainly aren’t giving the same energy as you.
Leave them to it and stop wasting your time worrying about something you can do nothing about

SweetnsourNZ · 02/03/2026 10:27

SeaShellsSanctuary1 · 02/03/2026 04:50

YABVU. Your parents could be around anothe two decades. Just detached yourself from it and i live your own life not theirs. Your dad is right, the hoarding is nothing a skip can't handle and that's where all my dads shit will be going one day but I certainly don't care about it now.

Yes. Did that last year with my parents house after my dad died. If someone came across something they wanted they took it but everything else just got biffed. House cleaned, sold, job done.
If they own then brother will probably get half and be able to support himself. Being autistic doesn't make him stupid and he will learn to look out for himself soon enough.

Allowingthebreezethroughmyhair · 02/03/2026 10:25

Just carry on getting on with your own life. Why would you want to sort through their stuff to decide what is in the house that's sentimental and/or of value now? And the value of the house - well I assume you will know a ball park cos you have internet and you can see what houses in particular roads tend to cost so if you were wondering about what you might get for an inheritance you can work out kind a what it might be. Don't think like that about "their" money though. My MIL is not poor but currently having to spend hers on care which has pissed off DH's two siblings.

So, all this begs the question... do you know the house is worth a lot and want them to pass it on because of Rachel Reeves? A valid question.... and as it goes my DP's are passing stuff on now but they have more than could ever go in care or living costs.... but they came to that conclusion themselves. And as it goes had my DS and myself pissed away our lives asking about the value of DP's estate it would have all gone to charity. Every. Single. Penny.

ParkMumForever · 02/03/2026 10:21

For the things that are personal to you- like photos- ask to borrow them for a surprise (slideshow/ photo collage) for some anniversary or big birthday that’s coming up. And then either forget to give them back or just get them copied…

Keepingittogetherstepbystep · 02/03/2026 10:19

purplepie1 · 02/03/2026 07:39

The most important thing you should be discussing with your parents is setting up POA for both.

Given their reluctance to talk about Wills, there's a strong chance they will refuse to discuss poa as well.

Have you tried talking from a concern about your brother angle? They might be more open to talking that way.

It's always difficult, I'd spoken to my dad but he didn't want a will and was too late for poa. My mum made a will as a result of what happened when my dad died so maybe that will happen in your families case.

I found if you push these things they put up barriers.

Original poster
ByRoseSnake · 02/03/2026 10:18

Stillnightsky · 02/03/2026 10:00

I can see why you’re worried about this. My brother, late 50’s, recently diagnosed with autism, lived with my mother until she died. He was very controlling and demanding down to the last detail after she died and I just went along with it. He ended up inheriting her house and pretty much the entire contents. He got quite distressed when I asked to go round to see if there was anything I could have. It was as though he’d had it all planned out in advance.

His needs were always viewed as greater than mine and I think that led to greater entitlement on his part and a feeling of obligation to him from me at the time.

Oh my goodness, this exactly - these are my concerns. He can be great sometimes, and I truly hope he will be able to step up and also become more independent, but he also has my mum wrapped around his finger. Like your brother, he can be extremely demanding, at times quite manipulative, and also resents me for being the sibling who 'got away' and is (ostensibly) successful. I've heard him say some really nasty things about me. He also gets payrolled by my parents and brags about being able to buy things like new video games, then mutters something about me not being sensible with money lol (umm... my salary is spent on rent, bills, my own groceries etc!)

I still love him and feel protective, but it leaves a bitter taste when I've worked so hard for what I have with much less parental support - usually taking on all the emergency responsibility in the past, too, like when I had to drive my dad to A&E years ago while everyone else flapped. I think it would hurt to some extent if my parents left the house to him.

Nope, he's never lived independently. Other than the one year he tried university and basically stayed in his halls of residence room for the entire year, living on Tesco meal deals. And then decided it wasn't for him, so dropped out.

Ok, rant about brother over - but that's the picture!

OP posts:
Ginnyweasleyswand · 02/03/2026 10:17

NotnowMildrid · 02/03/2026 10:14

Sorry but you really need to change your mindset.

It doesn’t matter one jot that your logical thinking is 100% correct, but rightly or wrongly it is (very sadly) their choice, and you cannot make them see the light or force them.

The writing has very clearly been on the wall for a very long time. Your DF is an alcoholic and they horrific hoarders. They are not normal functioning people, and you may as well bang your head against a brick wall.

The inevitable will happen one day, and that is when you will need your energy to get through it, and you will 💐

Great post. Good advice, and I wish I'd had someone to tell me this a few years ago!

You can't change people. You have to take them and enjoy your relationship with them for what it is, not what you want it to be. Especially when older as personally I think people are even less likely to change at this point if it's not in their personality to welcome change already.

NotnowMildrid · 02/03/2026 10:14

Sorry but you really need to change your mindset.

It doesn’t matter one jot that your logical thinking is 100% correct, but rightly or wrongly it is (very sadly) their choice, and you cannot make them see the light or force them.

The writing has very clearly been on the wall for a very long time. Your DF is an alcoholic and they horrific hoarders. They are not normal functioning people, and you may as well bang your head against a brick wall.

The inevitable will happen one day, and that is when you will need your energy to get through it, and you will 💐

Contrarymary30 · 02/03/2026 10:10

It must be lovely for them to be constantly reminded that they don't have much time left . Just leave them to enjoy their life's in their own way . I'm 75 and if any of my children were doing this to me they'd get short shrift . They can leave their money etc to a whoever they want and you have no right to harass them about it . I m sorry but your post has really annoyed me .

Gassylady · 02/03/2026 10:09

ByRoseSnake · 02/03/2026 03:32

I think because I feel responsible in a lot of ways. Not just in terms of the assets, but also my sibling and the memories attached to a lot of things.

I would generally agree with the "leave them to it" ethos, but this one scares me a lot. I wish it could feel like more of a family thing, rather than just being in denial and expecting me to pick up the pieces? I don't know :(

Show quote history

I have only just started reading the thread, this really stood out to me “the memories attached to a lot of things” The memories are the memories they don’t need an attached thing to be real, caution that you don’t have some of the hoarding mindset yourself! I have some lovely things that were my mum or nans and I remember using with them but that are practical too. However some things that were so sentimental to them that were “kept for best” I did not keep. I did however feel obliged to try and find a good place to rehome them!

BauhausOfEliott · 02/03/2026 10:09

Tbh I think it's a bit strange to be badgering them about what they want you to do with their things after they're dead and stressing about house value, surely it is quite normal to have a house valued when the time comes?

Yes, this.

I totally understand why you're worried about the hoarding, but I don't think it's at all reasonable to be going on at them about getting ready to die, frankly. The fact is that they're still very much alive and therefore they can live exactly as they choose. They don't have to share their wills with you if they don't want to.

Of course they don't need to get the house valued. You'll get that done when the time comes - which could be 20 years away.

Spanglemum02 · 02/03/2026 10:08

I think hoarding is seen as a mental illness. It does seem to be more common with people who are ND.
Like others said, there's not much you can do now. Look after yourself.

Ginnyweasleyswand · 02/03/2026 10:07

Stillnightsky · 02/03/2026 10:00

I can see why you’re worried about this. My brother, late 50’s, recently diagnosed with autism, lived with my mother until she died. He was very controlling and demanding down to the last detail after she died and I just went along with it. He ended up inheriting her house and pretty much the entire contents. He got quite distressed when I asked to go round to see if there was anything I could have. It was as though he’d had it all planned out in advance.

His needs were always viewed as greater than mine and I think that led to greater entitlement on his part and a feeling of obligation to him from me at the time.

Sorry to hear this.

Whilst sometimes you can understand why parents do these things, it's still very unfair and hurtful for the sibling who is overlooked.

Happyjoe · 02/03/2026 10:07

Unfortunately if it's keeping you up at night worrying then you really need to take a back step on this.
While I appreciate that in their passing you're going to have an issue on your hands, I don't think it's worth stressing so much about something that's not happened yet.
You've asked your parents for the information, they won't give it and that am afraid is the end of it. Stop trying to declutter, they also don't want you to do that.

Sometimes families are just unfathomable.

Ginnyweasleyswand · 02/03/2026 10:00

@ByRoseSnake I could have written this some time ago And they worry a huge amount over my brother, yet nothing has ever been done to encourage independence, sadly.

My DB is a lot more functional than yours from the sound of it but my parents did so much for him (washing, paying bills, practical tasks, cooking his meals etc) well into his 40s. I will say as they've declined in health and could no longer do this it's really been the making of him - he's stepped up in a major way. But it's been a lot harder for him (IMO) than if my parents hadn't mollycoddled him for years and had encouraged independence earlier. But nevertheless, he's been great as they've declined. I hope the same is true of your brother. Has he ever lived away from home?

Stillnightsky · 02/03/2026 10:00

I can see why you’re worried about this. My brother, late 50’s, recently diagnosed with autism, lived with my mother until she died. He was very controlling and demanding down to the last detail after she died and I just went along with it. He ended up inheriting her house and pretty much the entire contents. He got quite distressed when I asked to go round to see if there was anything I could have. It was as though he’d had it all planned out in advance.

His needs were always viewed as greater than mine and I think that led to greater entitlement on his part and a feeling of obligation to him from me at the time.

UnhappyHobbit · 02/03/2026 09:59

I have so much sympathy for you, my situation has been similar in the past with my family.

The only thing you can do is take a step back, if they don’t want help, let them do what they want.

What upsets me is when you see hoarding or cess pits of houses on social media getting sorted by professionals and all the comments are like “where is the Family. ”

In most cases, they’ve burnt themselves out trying to help but physically can’t as they are not welcomed to!

EuclidianGeometryFan · 02/03/2026 09:52

mumonthehil · 02/03/2026 09:29

oh I totally get how you’re feeling! I could’ve written this myself a few years ago - my undiagnosed but autistic DB was living with my alcoholic DM in a filthy house full of stuff. My brother had never lived independently and we have very little extended family.

My mum died a couple of years back and I was left to do everything; organise the funeral, sort the house, sell it, deal with probate etc. It was very stressful and took a toll on me, but I’m out the other side now. It’s doable, rubbish but doable.

There’s no point stressing about what’s to come, you’re just doubling the stress. Seek out some therapy for your feelings of responsibility and, when the time comes, hire a good probate solicitor, a deep cleaning company, maybe a house clearance and you’ll be ok.

What happened about your brother? How did he manage to move out before the house was sold?