Page 12 | To find my dysfunctional 70yr+ parents unbearable for hoarding + wittholding seeing wills?

83048274j · 02/03/2026 04:42

My parents have planned poorly but you just have to let it go. You can't make them and they have to live life their own way. I'm just resigned to calling social services for them when the time comes that it catches up to them and things fall apart.

FruitFlyPie · 02/03/2026 04:36

Your parents sound frustrating but yabu. I'm a minimalist but not everyone is. Let them enjoy their stuff now. When they pass away, which could be many years as pp mentioned, deal with it. Get a skip or house clearance company. Why fuss over wills? Surely their estate would be quite simple if it's just you and your brother.

Hasseling them about what to do at their funerals is just morbid. Do what you like or don't have a funeral.

Bobbie12345678 · 02/03/2026 04:25

So stop sorting boxes for hours on end . It doesn’t sound like they are asking / wanting it to be done. You are just being a martyr by doing it, then complaining about them not getting rid of it.
Do you actually know that are immediately dying? 70+ year olds can easily still go another ten years or more. Are you planning to keep hounding them, making yourself stressed, achieving nothing for another decade.
I half expect to be slated for posting this… ‘you clearly don’t understand’. But remember I am not someone spending hours doing unwanted jobs for someone who isn’t helping themselves. Your choice.

Summerhillsquare · 02/03/2026 04:13

Honestly, leave them alone and get on with your own life, no one is benefitting from this constant conflict. I know you probably want your own house but they sound like the sort of people to leave it all to Battersea Dogs Home anyway out of perversity.

gostickyourheadinapig · 02/03/2026 04:08

I am sorry that you worry about being alone in the world, but the best strategy for preventing that might be to spend less time running around after these dysfunctional people and more time cultivating relationships that are actually valuable and nourishing.

Netaporter · 02/03/2026 04:04

ByRoseSnake · 02/03/2026 03:24

Apologies if this is the wrong place to post this - maybe I'll get some insights here. I just feel like I'm parenting my own 70+ parents at this point.

I'm tearing my hair out - and, basically, scared shitless. While I've been struggling to build an independent life and career 300+ miles away for the past 10yrs, my tiny family (who I love dearly) have pretended that time doesn't pass at all.
(For the record, there is only 3 in my family, due to family deaths and no extended family, enforced social isolation etc - so it's just my 2 parents, my older brother who is 30 + has never left home, apparently autistic but refuses to be formally diagnosed, or pull any of his own weight...)

While it's nice to pretend that time doesn't pass, I have been gently asking them for a long time about how they wish to proceed with wills, funerals, life after death, how to manage selling their house etc... This has been going on for over 6 yrs and I've had nothing from them. Apparently the wills are "none of my business", but it lives in "a draw" somewhere - according to my dad. My mum says she has no idea and sighs and just says "oh dear". They have no idea how much the house is even valued at... I'm in no way trying to dig around or pry, but should I at least know where they keep the wills, and have a basic awareness of what to do when they pass??

The main problem is that my dad is a high-functioning alcoholic, but also they are all chronic hoarders, saying for years they will "sort things out". It has only become worse. I'm talking having to make pathways of clutter just to enter certain rooms - in a 3 bedroom house. It is mostly my dad's chronic compulsive spending problem e.g. becoming obsessed with a musical instrument and spending his entire state pension on 3 different banjos that never get played again, because he decided he was interested in banjos after watching a YouTube video...
(for context: I visit home, spend 4hrs cleaning and sorting books, gadgets and crap into boxes, which my parents promise will be taken to charity shops/tip - only to visit 2 months later and it's back in the same place urrrghhh.)

I don't have complaints against people spending their own money - at whatever age - on what they enjoy, but his attitude deeply concerns me. When I earnestly asked "what would you like us (me) to do with all of this stuff when you pass? Shouldn't we be sorting out what is sentimental, of value and important now, rather than later?" He just replied - "I don't care. You can just pay to order a skip and throw it all in there. I'll be dead anyway."
:( Thanks Dad. I don't even know where family photos and documents are stored etc

Nobody else seems to have any awareness of how serious the situation is.
And my brother doesn't even know how to boil an egg, let alone help with these things - he just runs off to his room and says "that's your problem" to me... He hasn't even registered that he'll be homeless if this isn't established, once the time comes. He's been living at home for 10yrs and didn't even know what a metre reading was when I visited at Christmas. I'm definitely not becoming his replacement mummy.

But then I feel like I'll be entirely alone in the world - no family, and a huge amount of mess, memories and mental turmoil to clean up. And no idea about where and how money is going with house sale - or care homes, if that does come up.

It's keeping me up at night - while I'm just simply trying to build my own little life (while keeping the family peace!)

I'm so, so tired of feeling like I have to parent them all. I've tried so hard to talk to them rationally.
And yeah.
Scared shitless about the future AIBU for that, given circumstances?

I’m sorry you are going through this. It’s very tough when only one sibling pulls their weight. From a similar dealing with an elderly hoarder experience I can tell you that the defining point was the occupational therapist explaining to the people concerned that they wouldn’t be returning to their house until it was sorted so that it was no longer a hazard for them or carers. For some reason someone in ‘authority’ saying it has to be sorted can help in these circumstances.

The other point I’d make is that you might need to face the fact that your worst case scenario is that your parents may have made your brother the sole beneficiary of their estate due to his ‘need’ being greater than yours in their eyes and you the executor. Crap, but possible. Also possible is that only one of them has actually made a will..also a buggers muddle to sort depending on who passes first.

Re:care home fees - things are fluid -changing depending on need so it’s a bridge you’ll have to cross as you come to it. What is unlikely to change from the scenario you describe is that the lions share of sorting elderly parents will most likely fall onto you which is incredibly stressful, especially as you are 300miles away. Why not pop over to the elderly parents board - lots of people going through similar experiences- great place to vent and also get advice. 💐

Original poster

ByRoseSnake · 02/03/2026 03:57

Somnambule · 02/03/2026 03:50

While I understand it's stressful for you knowing you're going to have to deal with all of this eventually, I don't think it's ok to badger them about it or keep reminding them that they're going to die soon. They don't want to sort their crap out or discuss their death with you; that's their prerogative so you're just going to have to let it drop.

This is also really, really important to remember. I will try to keep that in mind (and my anxiety at bay) that they will not actually want to be thinking about end of life... I do treasure them.

If only my sibling could be on the same page! I can't force him either, but wow - it's hard feeling like you carry the whole load, hey.

OP posts:

Original poster

ByRoseSnake · 02/03/2026 03:53

graygoose · 02/03/2026 03:37

I’m sorry OP. I’m a trusts and estates lawyer with limited experience in probate and what you’ve described is sadly very common. You have no legal right to see their Wills while they are still alive and frustratingly there is nothing you can do to force someone to plan for their passing. Some people’s plan is just to let their kids sort it out when they die with no guidance.

It sounds to me like this might me more than about the Will and probate. I sympathise as an eldest daughter with a useless sibling. Your instinct is to take control of a situation that feels messy and stressful. And it’s a hard lesson for people like us that sometimes we can’t, especially where other people are involved.

There are services that can help with sorting after your parents pass ie not just throw it all in a skip. There is a Tell Us Once service from the government to inform most government authorities of a death. You can hire a solicitor for the probate although I appreciate funds may be limited. But once you are in it I promise it’s not as bad as you are imagining.

Thank you, that's really useful to know from a legal and service point of view! I think a lot of my anxieties are also coming from a lack of knowledge regarding these processes - not just the family dynamics

OP posts:

Somnambule · 02/03/2026 03:50

While I understand it's stressful for you knowing you're going to have to deal with all of this eventually, I don't think it's ok to badger them about it or keep reminding them that they're going to die soon. They don't want to sort their crap out or discuss their death with you; that's their prerogative so you're just going to have to let it drop.

Doidontimmm · 02/03/2026 03:44

But they don’t sound as is they are going to change so you could likely be worried for years.

Your brother is an adult he will have to figure it out himself when the time comes.

You are spending their twilight years just worried about what will happen when they are gone.

graygoose · 02/03/2026 03:37

I’m sorry OP. I’m a trusts and estates lawyer with limited experience in probate and what you’ve described is sadly very common. You have no legal right to see their Wills while they are still alive and frustratingly there is nothing you can do to force someone to plan for their passing. Some people’s plan is just to let their kids sort it out when they die with no guidance.

It sounds to me like this might me more than about the Will and probate. I sympathise as an eldest daughter with a useless sibling. Your instinct is to take control of a situation that feels messy and stressful. And it’s a hard lesson for people like us that sometimes we can’t, especially where other people are involved.

There are services that can help with sorting after your parents pass ie not just throw it all in a skip. There is a Tell Us Once service from the government to inform most government authorities of a death. You can hire a solicitor for the probate although I appreciate funds may be limited. But once you are in it I promise it’s not as bad as you are imagining.

Original poster

ByRoseSnake · 02/03/2026 03:32