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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To go see DD1

120 replies

BurnoutGP · 01/03/2026 23:39

I am a single parent to DD1 (24)and DD2 (18) doing A levels, neurodivergent.
DD1 has been in Australia for a year and is now travelling in Asia.
I am close to both but different relationships and needs.
I have a week off work over Easter, DD2 will be revising. So I am going to go and see DD1 in Asia for 6 days.
I have never done anything like this. I rarely do anything spontaneous or for myself. DD2 almost always takes priority because of her anxiety and neurodiversity.
She is very upset and cross I am going. I am now feeling very guilty and sad and doubting my spontaneous decision.
For clarity. She is very capable, drives, cooks, is very responsible. Has a lovely sensible close friendship group. I have close friends nearby who will keep an eye on her and will be available in an emergency. Her dad (as useless as he is) and stepmother are 5 mins away. But she has struggled with her mental health.
AIBU to go.

OP posts:
Confuserr · 02/03/2026 02:12

ChangePrivacyQuestion · 01/03/2026 23:45

That close to A levels and with known MH issues... I wouldn't. Too much at stake. I was an early independent one, but those last few weeks before A levels I needed all the support I could get.

I don't think you actually were independent tbh. I genuinely don't think my mum knew when my A levels started or ended. I was living at home and she was a caring person but she trusted me to do them and I didn't need help, I was basically (and legally) an adult by then.

6 weeks before is tonnes of time! What on earth are you going to actually do to help her that early unless you're a professor in that subject.

Just go and have a lovely time, sounds like your DD1 will really appreciate you not putting her last

Beetlebum89 · 02/03/2026 02:06

Go and have a wonderful time. Your DD 2 will be fine.

Galleris · 02/03/2026 01:52

"But honestly for DD2 there would never be a good time for me to go away."

I get this, but there are bad times and worse times, and a few weeks before her A levels start are very much a worse time. This principle of doing what DD2 doesn't want seems an important part of your decision making and it's the wrong time to pick this fight. She doesn't need to be taught this lesson this side of her exams. I think this recalibration will happen naturally over the next year as she heads off to uni.

QuaintMauveCrow · 02/03/2026 01:03

GO 💐💐💐

HortiGal · 02/03/2026 00:41

I’d go, DD2 is 18 not 8, I never understand the drama about exams on MN, life must stop if anyone has exams!
Its 6 days, go!

VivienneDelacroix · 02/03/2026 00:33

ChangePrivacyQuestion · 01/03/2026 23:45

That close to A levels and with known MH issues... I wouldn't. Too much at stake. I was an early independent one, but those last few weeks before A levels I needed all the support I could get.

I agree.

Original poster
BurnoutGP · 02/03/2026 00:32

I have 2 DD i care about them both. I don't have the luxury of an involved 2nd parent so unfortunately I have to try to do what's best for both of them.

OP posts:
Monty27 · 02/03/2026 00:30

It doesn't work for dd2 @BurnoutGP
You'll reap what you sow.
I feel sorry for your dd2. In fact you're out of order.
Don't you care about her?
Wow

Original poster
BurnoutGP · 02/03/2026 00:25

It's the only time that works. I have a very heavy full in job but have this week off which happens to be when DD1 is in a relatively accessible place midway in her travels. And about 6 weeks before exams start.
But honestly for DD2 there would never be a good time for me to go away. There would always be a reason.

OP posts:
Monty27 · 02/03/2026 00:21

Hmm it sounds idyllic for dd1 but it's ill timed @BurnoutGP why then?

ScarlettSarah · 02/03/2026 00:19

I'd go. It's helicopter parenting to have to be there 24/7 every single day - you're only going for a few days. Even with exams coming- she does have other support.

ToKittyornottoKitty · 02/03/2026 00:11

I get it, but with pre exam stress at its peak you’ve picked totally the wrong time for it

Original poster
BurnoutGP · 02/03/2026 00:10

For more clarity. DD1 will be home in June. After exams .
They do not get on at all and I won't be going on holiday with both of them again after yet another disastrous family holiday where I felt torn in 2.
DD2 and I have a trip planned for the 2 of us after exams.
I will be gone for 6 days. Exams dont start till mid May I wouldn't go if they were closer or during them.
This is more about doing something for me and for DD1 who has always taken rather a back seat to DD2 needs.
And also about starting to set some boundaries before she goes to uni. Usually I acquiese to DD2.

OP posts:
Okiedokie123 · 02/03/2026 00:03

I would wait until after her exams. Madness to go on an exciting trip (especially so far away) and leave her at home on her own fretting about her exams. However spectacularly capable she is for her age this isnt a good idea. Having mum around as reassurance, bringing snacks, offering to participate in quizzes/revision flashcards, someone to chat to at mealtimes, someone to watch a bit of tv with after a long day revising. Theres not a chance I would abandon one in favour of visiting another during exam revision time. Big nope.

ToKittyornottoKitty · 01/03/2026 23:58

I absolutely wouldn’t. I probably wouldn’t even if she wasn’t neurodivergent with mental health issues, it’s too close to her A levels. For the sake of an extra month or two it makes more sense to wait

sesquipedalian · 01/03/2026 23:54

OP! I would wait until after A levels - your DD might be a bit less anxious then. I might also think about going to Asia for ten days - it’s a long flight!

NoCommentingFromNowOn · 01/03/2026 23:50

Exams will be over by May? Go anytime after then. For the sake of a couple of months I wouldn’t risk any upset. It can be very soothing to people who are not actively leaning on you, but to her, hearing you move around the house, smelling your soap and shampoo after you’ve used the shower, you making her a cup of tea can make all the difference.

TeenLifeMum · 01/03/2026 23:47

Dd1 is doing A levels this year and not neurodivergent and generally stable but it’s such a high pressure time, I’m sorry but I’d be waiting until after exams are over before going to see another dc abroad. Will you actually be able to relax and be fully present for your dd1 with dd2 stressing at home?

If dd2 had a better relationship with her dad than you describe, and would stay with him, then I might feel differently but overall I’m working hard to keep home calm and stable for my own dd1 at this time (not easy with younger twin girls who are rather dramatic teens).

ChangePrivacyQuestion · 01/03/2026 23:45

That close to A levels and with known MH issues... I wouldn't. Too much at stake. I was an early independent one, but those last few weeks before A levels I needed all the support I could get.

AlcoholicAntibiotic · 01/03/2026 23:43

YANBU. Your DD2 sounds like she’s perfectly capable and has friends and family around anyway.

What is it your DD is upset about - that you are going, or that she isn’t going as well? You’re not doing anything wrong either way, but I’d have more sympathy with her if she’d like to go but can’t because of exams.

Hope you have a great time.