Page 5 | Is friend BU about wedding invitations?

Original poster

sophietaken · 01/03/2026 23:11

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 01/03/2026 23:05

I disagree.
the guests set the precedent of we don’t bring our partners to social events with you. The bride is just following the normal set up that the guests and their boyfriends chose.

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What about the precedent of Brian being invited to Jessica’s wedding?

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Original poster

sophietaken · 01/03/2026 23:09

EvangelineTheNightStar · 01/03/2026 23:00

So why do they want to come to the wedding? They sound petty and immature if they will only socialise with those who share their hobby!

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I wish people would read all of the OP’s comments.

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Original poster

sophietaken · 01/03/2026 23:09

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 01/03/2026 23:00

How rude to just say a hello to a couple visiting and then head out. I would be so upset if I had a bf that did this.

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Really!? What would you want him to do if you had friends visiting you?

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EvangelineTheNightStar · 01/03/2026 23:07

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 01/03/2026 23:05

I disagree.
the guests set the precedent of we don’t bring our partners to social events with you. The bride is just following the normal set up that the guests and their boyfriends chose.

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Agree, but as per my pp I think the guests think is fine for them to say “oh we don’t want to socialise with you!” And are absolutely shocked the feelings mutual!

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 01/03/2026 23:05

sophietaken · 01/03/2026 22:00

I hadn’t quite been able to reason to myself why I thought Anna was being unreasonable, but this is it. She’s punishing them for not forcing their partners to socialise with Brian.

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I disagree.
the guests set the precedent of we don’t bring our partners to social events with you. The bride is just following the normal set up that the guests and their boyfriends chose.

YourWildAmberSloth · 01/03/2026 23:04

I don't understand what you mean by 'you're stuck between friends'. It's between them, you don't need to be involved. Let them work it out or fall out between them. If they don't want to go without their partners, they decline the invitation.

EvangelineTheNightStar · 01/03/2026 23:00

sophietaken · 01/03/2026 22:51

They don’t actively avoid it, they just have nothing in common with their girlfriend’s friend’s boyfriend, and why would they? They like to do different activities to those Brian prefers.

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So why do they want to come to the wedding? They sound petty and immature if they will only socialise with those who share their hobby!

Ocelotfeet27 · 01/03/2026 23:00

sophietaken · 01/03/2026 22:55

We’re afraid too much of this would cut Anna off. We’ve actually tried the women only spa. ‘Brian loves a spa. This place X does a brilliant deal. Brian can get us money off because he knows the manager…’

Same with everything. If we object we are being unfair because Brian has no friends and it would be harsh for Anna to leave Brian when he could come along and enjoy it.

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Oh dear. Yeah I think then it is either being honest - Anna, we enjoy spending time with Brian but you are our close friend not Brian, and we want to just see you sometimes too. Or if not, just doing more things as a three (quietly, so Anna doesn't get upset). Tough one.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 01/03/2026 23:00

sophietaken · 01/03/2026 20:57

I think both men would be happy to go to big events - big birthdays, weddings, christenings etc - and have Anna and Brian at their events, and they’re happy to see them if Anna and Brian were at Katie or Jessica’s for wine and a takeaway (hellos and a quick drink together before they went out to their own plans). But they don’t want to do the double dates that Anna and Brian would like to do, such as the theatre, nice meals, opera etc.

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How rude to just say a hello to a couple visiting and then head out. I would be so upset if I had a bf that did this.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 01/03/2026 22:58

Followthesunshine · 01/03/2026 20:52

Both their partners can't be bothered to make the effort normally because as you say they have their own lives. Jessica and Katie are therefore being totally unreasonable to expect a couple getting married, who want to have a room full of people who care about them, to invite disinterested partners.

I agree with this.
however I guess it’s hypocritical to have a party about romantic partnership and not let guests bring their romantic partners.
when I was planning a wedding (that didn’t happen) I did feel quite resentful about the idea of inviting some of my friends partners who had never accepted an invite to my birthdays or other things I’ve planned over the years ever- would they care about the speeches etc?

a good compromise is that they could invite partners as evening party guests, extend that right to all friends even single friends so they can bring a date. This will make the evening disco more fun!

Original poster

sophietaken · 01/03/2026 22:55

Ocelotfeet27 · 01/03/2026 22:44

Also just to say separate from the wedding dramas I'd be thinking that I would do things as a three without Anna more if she always drags Brian along. Perhaps worth trying to do something it is harder to bring him to (spa with a separate female area? Ladies night?). Not saying you should distance yourselves as that isn't ideal if he is controlling and she might be experiencing abuse. But I would not want to always spend time with someone who was a hanger on rather than a friend.

We’re afraid too much of this would cut Anna off. We’ve actually tried the women only spa. ‘Brian loves a spa. This place X does a brilliant deal. Brian can get us money off because he knows the manager…’

Same with everything. If we object we are being unfair because Brian has no friends and it would be harsh for Anna to leave Brian when he could come along and enjoy it.

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Original poster

sophietaken · 01/03/2026 22:51

EvangelineTheNightStar · 01/03/2026 22:43

I think it’s probably quite clear to Anna and Brian how J&Ks partners feel about them from your op, Neither Jessica nor Katie’s partners want to socialise as a couple with Anna and Brian.. Why on earth would they invite someone with that attitude towards them to their wedding… they’d be in many photos..”who’s that then? Oh that’s Jessica and John, and Kate and Chris…. John and Chris don’t actually like us, and avoid socialising with us…

Edited

They don’t actively avoid it, they just have nothing in common with their girlfriend’s friend’s boyfriend, and why would they? They like to do different activities to those Brian prefers.

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90sTrifle · 01/03/2026 22:50

sophietaken · 01/03/2026 22:35

This would not occur to him. He would consider all of Anna’s friends also his friends.

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Even if she changed her mind now, they could hardly attend knowing they were not wanted.

The ladies should go together to not miss their friend getting married but keep future contact to a minimum and insisting ladies only on the nights they do meet. Brian is no longer invited, she doesn’t need him there Anna has you three. See how she likes it!

Ocelotfeet27 · 01/03/2026 22:44

Also just to say separate from the wedding dramas I'd be thinking that I would do things as a three without Anna more if she always drags Brian along. Perhaps worth trying to do something it is harder to bring him to (spa with a separate female area? Ladies night?). Not saying you should distance yourselves as that isn't ideal if he is controlling and she might be experiencing abuse. But I would not want to always spend time with someone who was a hanger on rather than a friend.

EvangelineTheNightStar · 01/03/2026 22:43

I think it’s probably quite clear to Anna and Brian how J&Ks partners feel about them from your op, Neither Jessica nor Katie’s partners want to socialise as a couple with Anna and Brian.. Why on earth would they invite someone with that attitude towards them to their wedding… they’d be in many photos..”who’s that then? Oh that’s Jessica and John, and Kate and Chris…. John and Chris don’t actually like us, and avoid socialising with us…

Ocelotfeet27 · 01/03/2026 22:41

OP I think I'd reply to Anna with a fairly neutral response along the lines of - I can understand your reasoning that their partners don't socialise with you/Brian. But i can also understand why J&K are upset as they are close friends of yours and spend a lot of time with Brian, and Brian was invited to J's wedding. If it were me I would probably invite them to keep the peace. But your wedding, your decision.

All this who is and isn't invited drama over weddings is a nightmare though. Personally if I was J&K I'd be happy to be invited and leave it at that. Also perhaps Anna if she was scrimping on plus ones should have also not invited your partner/other partners as it doesn't sound like yours makes much effort either. But ultimately in your position I'd just empathise with everyone all round and try not to get pulled into it.

Original poster

sophietaken · 01/03/2026 22:39

EvangelineTheNightStar · 01/03/2026 22:32

Why are they upset? If the non invited partners don’t want to come or like the bride and groom what’s the issue?
Are they lacking in confidence with regards to going the wedding with out their partner?

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No, they’re not lacking in confidence.

I think they see their close, old friend’s wedding as a big event and that is something they’d usually expect to celebrate with their partners also there. It is also at a hotel a hour or so away so both will be staying over, so they’d want their partners there. Several weddings in the wider friendship group have happened, and partners have always been invited much like they were to Jessica’s. It feels pointed to them, because it is pointed,

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Ophir · 01/03/2026 22:35

It’s only on mumsnet that it’s seen as ok not to invite spouses 🤷🏼‍♀️

Original poster

sophietaken · 01/03/2026 22:35

90sTrifle · 01/03/2026 22:28

This could be another reason for not inviting more from Anna’s side. It will already look unbalanced with her gf’s there and him with no friends.

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This would not occur to him. He would consider all of Anna’s friends also his friends.

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Original poster

sophietaken · 01/03/2026 22:34

90sTrifle · 01/03/2026 22:24

Okay, so you could explain this to J+K. Your partner gets his own invite (not really a +1) as he works with Anna and Brian pops along to work social events. Otherwise you wouldn’t have a +1 either.

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They’re not bothered that I have one. They’re upset that they have made a huge effort with Brian, and have let him come along to things which Anna knows they’d rather she’d come to alone, and now their partners aren’t invited to a wedding which husbands of close friends would generally expect to be invited to.

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EvangelineTheNightStar · 01/03/2026 22:32

sophietaken · 01/03/2026 22:27

I really doubt this. I think, like most people, they just have their own friends. I don’t think either man would feel arrogant about having a few pals, amd both are able to buy their own food and drink. It is Jessica and Katie who are upset, not the men.

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Why are they upset? If the non invited partners don’t want to come or like the bride and groom what’s the issue?
Are they lacking in confidence with regards to going the wedding with out their partner?

Original poster

sophietaken · 01/03/2026 22:32

FancyBiscuitsLevel · 01/03/2026 22:24

OP - as you seem close to them all, do you think this is coming from Anna or Brian? Given as a group, most do socialising as couples for birthdays and big events but go out with the girls together most of the time- Anna’s move away from this to only socialising with Brian, again is this being driven by Anna, or is it Brian who’s against her going out without him?

The idea that Anna can only have a social life that 100% includes Brian is a massive red flag. It might be innocent, it might be coming mainly from her, but it’s concerning.

Controlling men often try to isolate women from their friends. This wedding invite rule is one that most people would understand is insulting and would offend Jessica and Katie. To use your wedding to prove a point about the friends not socialising the “correct way” once your married/partnered up, is quite a big thing. Anyone with any sort of understanding of social rules would expect Jessica and Katie to be put out and probably want to cool their friendship with Anna. If Brian is controlling and only wants Anna to socialise with him, upsetting her girlfriends who would take her out without him, is a great way to accomplish that.

Oe perhaps it’s coming from Anna and she wants to use her wedding to “win” and prove some points against her friends. Creating upset and drama at your own wedding because it’s the one social event you can control - embarrassing to be so petty.

I do agree about the red flag and have wondered about it frequently.

I believe that Anna is given a hard time if she wants to go out without Brian. I think that Brian invents illnesses, both for himself and his children, on the rare occasions Anna tries to go out alone. I think Brian sulks if Anna tries or does go out without him. I think he emotionally blackmails her.

And yet I also think that Anna is easily the stronger personality and ‘in charge’ of the relationship. I think Brian would happily invite the two men to the wedding and that is coming from Anna.

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Ophir · 01/03/2026 22:32

No matter what, it’s weird and rude not to to invite long term partners or spouses to a wedding

Guaranteed to cause upset

2Rebecca · 01/03/2026 22:31

They can invite who they want. Couples choose whether or not to attend

JHound · 01/03/2026 22:31

sophietaken · 01/03/2026 20:42

I’m a bit stuck between friends.

Friend one, Anna, is getting married in the autumn. Friend two, Jessica, has been married for a couple of years now. Friend three, Katie, lives with her boyfriend of a couple of years.

The invitations went out today and have caused serious ructions. Anna has decided not to invite Jessica’s husband or Katie’s boyfriend to the wedding. She is only offering +1s to couples whose partners she and her boyfriend (Brian) socialise with. Neither Jessica nor Katie’s partners want to socialise as a couple with Anna and Brian. Not because they dislike them, but because they’ve got their own friends and social lives. This doesn’t stop Jessica and Katie socialising both with Anna and Brian (who are very much inseparable).

Jessica and Katie are very hurt. Jessica invited Anna and Brian to her wedding, but Anna believes this is different because Brian makes an effort to socialise with Jessica.

Who is being unreasonable?

YANBU - Jessica and Katie’s partners should be invited
YABU - Anna is right not to invite the partners

People can decide who to invite to their wedding and how to manage costs. Many people restrict invite lists to people the couple consider to be friends.

The unreasonable ones are the ones throwing a tantrum at not being able to bring their partner. Are they offering to pay for their +1 meal?