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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Who's the unreasonable one?

65 replies

Dippydoopy · 01/03/2026 14:58

So it's a husband one.

He works full time but chooses to do so overtime everyday and leaves the house at 4:30am.

I had a workplace injury last year and have been signed off work. (I do multiple therapy sessions)

DH thinks it's totally normal to wake me at 4:00am to make him tea, get his clothes out. Or to have sex before he goes to work.

I am a person who really needs my sleep, and unfortunately I don't sleep too well at night.

If I don't get up with him he will turn all lights on and leave them on. So I'm forced awake.

I have to wake the children at 6:30am for school so it's not like I sleep until 10:00am!

now this brings me to my who's being unreasonable question, DH also wakes early at the weekend. Probably because he sleeps around 3 hours every evening on the sofa.

He has always had an issue that I don't wake as early as he does. Obviously if we have plans or whatever I am first up.

I do absolutely everything, I make all beds, get everyone's clothes out, I do 100% of cooking and cleaning, if it's a house job I do it! I do all the kids after school activities.

DH will try to wake me at 3-4am every weekend and says if we have sex he will just go back to sleep. I don't want to have sex at death o'clock! I want to sleep!!!!

I have dark rings around my eyes. And a husband who is constantly pissy with me because he says I'm lazy.

so who's being unreasonable?

OP posts:
ReadingCrimeFiction · 01/03/2026 15:41

I would suggest that if you KNOW this is abuse and have tried to leave, then maybe it's time to start posting from that position and see what practical advice you can get? Mumsnet is amazing that way. What country are you in? What nationality are you and your children and your husband? What finance options do you have?

I'm so sorry you're in this place. I really od believe there are other options in terms of the help and advice you can ask for on here that will be more helpful for you.

Bruisername · 01/03/2026 15:38

have you considered going to the police?

Confuserr · 01/03/2026 15:36

dnadiscoveryquery · 01/03/2026 15:35

It’s Canada. I’m not the op. But her other threads state that.

They have police and women's charities in Canada iirc

dnadiscoveryquery · 01/03/2026 15:35

Bruisername · 01/03/2026 15:28

The country you are in is very relevant tbh

It’s Canada. I’m not the op. But her other threads state that.

WeepingAngelInTheTardis · 01/03/2026 15:30

Your his wife, not his fucking sex slave.
I would be telling him to get his own fucking clothes ready and to leave you the fuck alone.

Bruisername · 01/03/2026 15:28

The country you are in is very relevant tbh

Rachel2409 · 01/03/2026 15:28

He’s an absolute arse!

FaceBothered · 01/03/2026 15:26

You're seriously asking if you're being unreasonable?

Ok

LadyKenya · 01/03/2026 15:23

Dippydoopy · 01/03/2026 15:18

Yes you're 100% right I have been asking these questions for years.

leaving isn't as easy as people on the internet make out!

I live in a different country, I have tried to leave multiple times, and I'm met with if I take my kids to the airport then I will be arrested!

I have sought out legal advice and they have informed me that yes, without his consent I cannot take my children home.

like I have said I have tried to leave but abuse ramps up, and quite frankly I am terrified of what life may look like on the other side!

I have been married to this man for 13 years and most of those 13 have been like this.

If you are willing to say what Country you are in, you would hopefully get more targeted answers. Otherwise what do you want to happen?

Bonkers1966 · 01/03/2026 15:22

You are in an abusive relationship. Do you think so little of yourself that you typed that out with genuine feelings? Really? Some therapy would do you a lot of good. Not as much as a new husband but it would definitely help with your self esteem and general blindness.

FordExplorer · 01/03/2026 15:20

Dippydoopy · 01/03/2026 15:18

Yes you're 100% right I have been asking these questions for years.

leaving isn't as easy as people on the internet make out!

I live in a different country, I have tried to leave multiple times, and I'm met with if I take my kids to the airport then I will be arrested!

I have sought out legal advice and they have informed me that yes, without his consent I cannot take my children home.

like I have said I have tried to leave but abuse ramps up, and quite frankly I am terrified of what life may look like on the other side!

I have been married to this man for 13 years and most of those 13 have been like this.

Why are you asking again then? If you know what the answers will be?
What country are you in? If a western country then there should be some kind of domestic abuse safe house that you and your kids could escape to?

Dippydoopy · 01/03/2026 15:18

Nerocostapret · 01/03/2026 15:09

This OP has been asking mumsnet for years.

She gets the same answers but has no intention of leaving. So just starts another thread

Yes you're 100% right I have been asking these questions for years.

leaving isn't as easy as people on the internet make out!

I live in a different country, I have tried to leave multiple times, and I'm met with if I take my kids to the airport then I will be arrested!

I have sought out legal advice and they have informed me that yes, without his consent I cannot take my children home.

like I have said I have tried to leave but abuse ramps up, and quite frankly I am terrified of what life may look like on the other side!

I have been married to this man for 13 years and most of those 13 have been like this.

OP posts:
TessSaysYes · 01/03/2026 15:17

He's being deliberately unkind and nasty to you. Is there a spare room you can move to?

Confuserr · 01/03/2026 15:13

Nerocostapret · 01/03/2026 15:09

This OP has been asking mumsnet for years.

She gets the same answers but has no intention of leaving. So just starts another thread

Yep, a pretty sad posting history isn't it 😞

nomas · 01/03/2026 15:12

This is horrific. My God.

ReadingCrimeFiction · 01/03/2026 15:11

This is not an IABU. This is a "is my husband abusive" which he is. He's sexually coercing you (if not worse) and he's meeting the standards for torture with his sleep thing. He's also just a dick in the way you have to do everything at home.

Nerocostapret · 01/03/2026 15:11

Coffeetimes3 · 01/03/2026 15:10

I dread to think what this man has put you through in your marriage (on top of this issue) to make you question whether you're reasonable or not. I suspect this is the tip of the iceburg in unreasonable and abusive behaviour from him.

Let this thread be the start of your journey to escape this awful man.

The Op has been repeatedly told to leave him but insists no intention

TikTokker · 01/03/2026 15:11

I can’t imagine why you don’t want to have sex with the absolute prince.

leave him. Genuinely.

user1476613140 · 01/03/2026 15:11

Let him sort himself out with one of his hands.

Nerocostapret · 01/03/2026 15:10

sharkstale · 01/03/2026 15:10

Are you serious? Did you even read the op?

Did you read my two follow up posts?

sharkstale · 01/03/2026 15:10

Nerocostapret · 01/03/2026 15:06

I do absolutely everything, I make all beds, get everyone's clothes out, I do 100% of cooking and cleaning, if it's a house job I do it! I do all the kids after school activities.

but you don’t have a paid job? So him “choosing” to do overtime is presumably to make up for this fact

Are you serious? Did you even read the op?

Louisetopaz21 · 01/03/2026 15:10

This is abusive, my husband is a farmer so gets up early during their busy times but does it quietly albeit does wake me up but he wouldn't expect me to be up at the same time. You DH is abusive snd selfish.

Coffeetimes3 · 01/03/2026 15:10

I dread to think what this man has put you through in your marriage (on top of this issue) to make you question whether you're reasonable or not. I suspect this is the tip of the iceburg in unreasonable and abusive behaviour from him.

Let this thread be the start of your journey to escape this awful man.

Duckiewasthefirstniceguy · 01/03/2026 15:09

Nerocostapret · 01/03/2026 15:06

I do absolutely everything, I make all beds, get everyone's clothes out, I do 100% of cooking and cleaning, if it's a house job I do it! I do all the kids after school activities.

but you don’t have a paid job? So him “choosing” to do overtime is presumably to make up for this fact

She’s been signed off work. In most cases, she’ll still be earning.

He’s waking her up at 3/4am to demand sex that she doesn’t want, but that’s what you focus on?