To be hurt that my brother won't take my side

Good luck, OP. I hope you find peace.

Do you think henis in survival mode. Bury is deep, pretend it didn't happen then you dont have to face it?

@estrogone Thank you. I know many people had much worse childhoods than mine and I am lucky enough to have an amazing DH, DC and MIL who support me fully. But I suppose the point of my post was I understand why you feel let down and confused that someone who witnessed what happened and was probably traumatised himself seems happy to pretend it was all lovely and not support you when you try to call it out. But ultimately the best thing for you may be counselling and distance from them all.

I think you would benefit greatly from therapy.

I went for my childhood trauma and was able to find some peace and release.

It’s not about excusing or minimising what they did to you it’s about learning to leave it in the past and taking your revenge which is a life well lived.

You deserve to be able to be happy and not just be a product of your shitty upbringing.

I don't have any answers as to why, OP, but I understand how you feel about people who witnessed your abuse trying to rewrite history. My older brother was a nasty, abusive narcissist who was mentally and physically abusive to me, our parents and (although less so, as the rest of us tried to protect him) my younger brother. He was also abusive towards his wife and girlfriends (there was always at least one 'on the side'). At the time, our parents acknowledged that his behaviour was not right but expected me to keep quiet to avoid 'provoking' him and making it worse. When I left home I eventually went NC with older brother and our parents and my younger brother were outraged. They, and older brother, claimed not to understand why. Examples of shitty behaviour that I gave were either denied or bushed off as 'all children fight sometimes' (despite the fact that at the time he was a fully grown adult and I was a child being punched and kicked). Excuses were made for behaviour that couldn't be denied (eg. of course he cheated on his wife, she didn't keep the house clean enough! Police had to be called to stop him hitting mum because 'he was under a lot ogf stress'). Older brother became and alcoholic (in my view because he found that 'I was drunk' made people more likely to accept or even laugh about his awful behaviour) and passed away. I am still seen as the difficult one, told how awful it was that I didn't support older brother when he was ill, accused of lying for attention etc. Younger brother and parents talk of older brother as though he was a saint, and younger brother even named his child after him. I've been through self doubt (have I somehow imagined things?), upset, anger and now I've realised I need to distance myself from them all.

He’s probably buried his childhood and own trauma so deep that he’s so scared to even admit it happened and open the flood gates to dealing with it. Just remember he isn’t acting this way to hurt you, it’s just the only way he knows how to deal with it.

It sounds like he learned to be small and quiet and hes still doing it. He's still reacting like a very young, scared boy. In a big grown up body. His mind is still there.

Im sorry @estrogone. You were/are both victims, in different ways.

When you go to therapy (if the wait is too long look into private affordable therapy) focus on how you can maintain a relationship with your brother as it sounds like you care about him. You will have a big sister / little brother dynamic going on too and that can be a hard one to shift. It will be a lot to unpack but worth it

I’m so sorry for your childhood. Your brother is just trying to cope with his experience of his childhood the best way he knows how. This may be my blocking out things, denial or deflection.

The best thing you can do is get some therapy.

Good luck xx

Yes but the tone of your posts also indicates to me that you’re angry as well as hurt. Which is understandable and you’ve been through a lot to then not have had counselling.

All of this.

Your brother is a victim too. He was very young. You don’t know that he hasn’t said something to them?

maybe this is insensitive… but do you feel jealous he had an easier life?

My brother (2 years younger) and i went through stuff with our parenrs we had different experiences and remembers different things about what happened.

YABU to be angry with DB and I think it demonstrates you could benefit from further counselling.

If they were alcoholics on benders it’s very likely that they don’t remember a lot of it. Alcohol stops you being able to form memories. So that could be part of it as well as them wanting to preserve their self image as a ‘good guy’.

You're not crazy. They were - and still are - terrible destructive parents. They terrorised you when you were a young child and teenager. They've left lifelong psychological scars on you. They should apologise, and keep apologising, and try to make amends, and try to reach across the divide that they created. That they don't is not because of who YOU are. It's because they are weak and selfish and emotionally immature. They're really bad parents and crappy humans too.

It's really hard to go against the parent-set narrative - where they present themselves as benevolent loving Mother Teresas who "made a few mistakes" - because people who didn't have horrid parents think you must be exaggerating, you must have been a difficult child, etc. And then there's cowed and complicit people like your brother who prop up the mendacity and lies and refuse to acknowledge what really happened, and that makes you wonder whether you imagined it, or whether you're unreasonable or crazy for not accepting it.

You're NOT crazy, OP. And you're not the only one. There's a long running thread here called "Well, we took you to stately homes" that's all about harm committed by abusive parents like yours. Maybe it might help you to read there.

Now I haven’t been in your position but I have met people who have done pretty awful things and behaved badly. XH was emotionally abusive towards me. His mother was another level. But they twist the narrative based on what they tell people to the point that they believe their own stories. Easier to do that than live with their actual behaviour. Of course there are people who just don’t care about what they’ve done but I suspect your parents fall into the first category.
I do think talking therapy and maybe a support group would help. You won’t get that understanding from family but you may find support from others who have been through similar.