Dh only asking Dd if she wants to go out and other annoying things

And if I'm right and you're in a similar position to mine that I described, then having multiple people on the thread say you're the problem will just confirm what you hear from him.

That's the thing with abusive relationships. Outsiders can't always tell what's going on. Things can be very different from how they appear. Situations which are desperately difficult can just look banal or incomprehensible to the outsider.

I wasn't meaning to be rude but you seemed to be missing 90% of people's posts.

I did wonder if you were very unhappy from the first post. I was in a dysfunctional marriage once where outsiders couldn't understand my passivity, but it came after years of never being able to do the right thing, of boundaries always shifting and of a clear understanding that my H did not like me. I stayed for years.

Is there anything we can do or say to help you, OP?

You don't communicate well OP. Posters here are struggling to understand your position. It's you.

From what little you have posted, you and your DH seem to communicate through your child. This is not good for her at all. Do you want to explore why that might be or how you can change it?

I'm not sure why you made this thread as you don't seem to want to engage with posters who are trying to understand and help you.

Do you want help?

Can I pick up on just the first bit of your post?

You say your DD is happy downstairs from 6.30 and enjoys being independent. Ok, fine.

Your DH says he wishes he sometimes had a lie in.

It sounds as if he doesn't think your DD does like to be unsupervised/alone from 6.30 to 8.30, to me.

Is that a possibility?

I don't think there's anything wrong with a normal 7 year old playing quietly for two hours until mum and dad get up (or tucking into bed with you two, or whatever). But you do have to be in basic agreement about it. I would not be getting up at 6.30 for a child of that age on a regular basis; I am not a morning person and I need my sleep. But if my partner felt I had simply let him do it by default, I would understand him being cross.

Given how the rest of the thread has gone, I've got to wonder - have you actually talked to him about this? Or are you just presuming you know your DD is fine for two hours alone and your DP is just getting up with her because he enjoys it?

So it’s ok for you and DD to make a decision about a family day out but not ok for your DH to ask DD for her
input?

I’ve only got this far but not once have you said he has said it doesn’t include you - just you think that’s what he means. Yet you make
plans he’s expected to go along with without him
there?

'No, nothing else has happened except this or before this'? or...

'No, you both don't really like each other and aren't really friends or joke around much'? or...

'No, you're not in a happy marriage and this is just a tiny part of the many things that make up the whole picture of why you're unhappy'?

OP, I'm only quoting this post as you replied me but I've read the rest of your posts after this.

Unless there's something else you're not telling us, it seems to be a case of you making a mountain out of a molehill with this issue or just resenting your dh so that everything he does has a sting to it.

I simply can't make sense of the lack of communication dynamics you both have and why a simple conversation is awkward or not to be had in front of your dd. There was no reason to give him any look to say not infront of dd unless you're both already seething at each other from something that happened before then.

Are you and your dh actually friends? Do you both laugh with each other, joke around, etc? Do you both like each other? There's just an awkward tension with what you're saying happened, how you say he's behaving and how you also behave with him.

I don't understand why you couldn't have a normal conversation in front of your daughter. It's hardly an effing and jeffing blazing row!

You could have easily chosen a place between the 3 of you.

Orrrrr, and this would have been my choice - you could have waved the pair of them off and enjoyed the peace and read a book, watched some tv or walked the dog alone. Lovely!

So you made plans when he wasn't in. For all of you. But didn't ask him.

He's making plans now without yelling you.

You are both as bad as each other.

What make you think he was assuming you would not go to? Did he actually say 'DD do you want to go X and leave mum at home?'

Just have a conversation as adults.

If you read through all the posts again, slowly and carefully, you might learn some tips on improving it.

Dont forget your both teaching your child that this is the way to resolve disagreements ...avoidence, putting up with feelings not counting

Do you & your dh just never speak to each other? Strange dynamic.

I missed this post earlier. This would have been a great way to respond when your dh asked your dd about going out OP, it's a very healthy way of communicating.

It's good for your dd to see adults with different ideas able to talk them through and agree on a solution that everyone is happy with. Something as minor as a discussion about where to go out shouldn't be hidden from your dd.

Are you avoiding posters pointing out the lack of communication from both you and your DH?

You don't seem to want to engage with the idea that you could be part of the problem and that there is a very easy solution.

Why was it awkward? Surely it was just a discussion, at that stage at least? It wasn't a tense argument? It was just a misunderstanding because BOTH of you suggested plans to your dd but NEITHER of you communicated these plans to the other. One of you could have just said at this stage 'well ok, x sounds good, how about we do y another day?'

This could have been sorted so easily but you just shut everything down and you're now resentful. And it's this simmering resentment and tension that's unhealthy for your dd. Clearing up misunderstandings and having a clear discussion in front of your dd is absolutely fine.

Do you not see that the behaviour you're so annoyed about is exactly how you behaved?
You went to your dd, made a suggestion about an outing but didn't tell your dh.
He then did the same, he went to your dd, suggested an outing but you're annoyed because he didn't tell you.
You didn't tell him either and he's not a mind reader so couldn't have known you had already made plans.
You assumed he was coming along on the outing you planned, you assumed you weren't included in his plans. A lot of assumptions but a lack of clear communication going on here.

I can’t make sense of why having a simple logistical conversation was awkward in front of your daughter?

“Shall we do X?”

“I thought we were doing Y.”

“I didn’t realise.”

Why is that awkward???

Perhaps he just wants some 1-2-1 time with her

It is annoying when you’ve been up hours and want to go out and someone is still lying in bed.
Id have a chat the night before and decide what you are doing the next day and what time then this wouldn’t happen.
if me and the kids have been up early and my husband has had a lie in, ill often take them out on my own as we have made a plan and want to go. If he’s ready he can come, if he’s not he can’t. If it’s important or he’s that fussed about coming we will talk the night before.
You need to communicate. Does he see you getting up late as being lazy? Do you refuse to get up earlier if he wants to get on with the day? Is there more to this?

How was that an awkward conversation? Why didn’t you just reply with “yes, it seems a nice day for all of us to go to X so let’s get sorted.”
Why would you give him a look and refuse to speak about something so utterly dull and normal in front of your kid?

It sounds as though the two of you are just really terrible at communicating, both of you. This isn’t a difficult conversation and your reaction of “well now I can’t be assed” is really weird.

Go and speak to him. Ask outright why he never thinks to include you in plans or discuss them together, since you’re the adult rather than ask your daughter before having any kind of plan together. You just need to learn to talk to each other. So go and do it. Over something so simple as well… weird that you’re married really if you can’t have this conversation.

Don’t understand why you can’t speak to your DH in front of your DD? From now on, on a Thursday as you’re eating dinner together, say “what shall we do this weekend, anything you fancy?” And have that conversation. That’s what we do, then we all know what the plan is. This all sounds way more dramatic than it needs to be.