AIBU to be devastated

You are being very unreasonable. I wouldn’t expect my dd to put plans on hold for me for years let alone a friend.

I would also try to find a nice retirement community, to have a support network and hopefully some friends

This.

Also look at over 50’s flats as they’re a lot cheaper, and will only have other older residents as your neighbours. I was looking at similar for a relative, and there are some lovely new ones nearby right in our town centre 5 mins away from the supermarket.

I think your expectations are unrealistic and totally unreasonable. Sorry. Assuming this isn't a reverse, of course!

PoA and wills are not intended as tools for you to try and control someone else and trying to use them that way seems abusive to me. I have financial PoA with my mother, as does my sister. Neither of us live close to her and I am three hours away. It doesn't dictate where people can live and nor does her will, which splits everything between us. She has never used them to try and blackmail us, and never would.

I know you sound lonely and I am sure this must be influencing the way you are thinking, but you are still totally unreasonable and in the wrong.

My Dad and stepmother sold their house and moved into a rented flat by the coast. He got the spend the last year of his life living his dream by the sea.

I’d expect a true friend to want you to spend your retirement doing something you loved.

I too think this may be a reverse but anyhow.

So basically OP you were lining her up to be a carer rather than a friend - very selfish.

She is probably looking forward to her retirement and enjoying the healthy years she has left. The promise of money down the line may not ever materialise, as it could end up going on a care home etc.

As someone who cared for my elderly father - I wouldn’t wish it on anyone, it nearly broke me. You have no idea ehat your needs will be in a few years, it’s too much for most people to cope with. Even if she was your daughter you shouldn’t just expect this.

Use the money you have to buy in care and support - cleaner, gardener, get your house adapted etc.

The key bit that sticks out for me, is that you say you love her like a daughter. The age gap you have amplifies that. But for her, she has parents - they're the ones who have died, or are themselves very elderly. She's raised a family, is approaching retirement age, and wants to do something for HER, before she's too old to make the most of it. Between kids, grandkids and her own parents, she's likely spent decades in a caring role, and may well feel panicked and stressed by the idea of doing that all again. What you are effectively asking her to do, is to give up her life's dream permanently. There's no reason to lose her as a friend, and if you love her, there's no reason to change your will. But you have to accept that she is a friend, not a daughter, and adjust your expectations accordingly.

Apart from OP said she's 84 and not in a great health. Buying/selling/moving property is a huge effort, I don't see how it's feasible at this age being on your own. The same for a year long cruise (if such thing even exists). You really need to be a good proximity of a good hospital in such situation.

Your friend needs to live her own life and retirement with her husband.

In your shoes, I’d look for a nice retirement village to move into. The flats are usually very comfortable and often have communal areas for gatherings and organised activities, plus a warden who can help you deal with emergencies.

My mum bought a 1 bed flat in one when she was late 70’s and made new friends and settled really quickly. She had been widowed for over 15 yrs and kept saying to me that she wish she’d done this sooner rather than staying in the family home that was getting too much for her.

This

although I too think this is a reverse!

If you read the original post again, it’s the OP’s niece who is childless by choice. OP says nothing about how she comes to be childless.

As someone in my late 50s who has adult children, I was looking forward to some space where we’d be able to do our own thing for a while- have the brain space to organise some fun. But no. We’re quite tied down with elderly responsibilities now.

I’ve got an aunt in a similar situation. She had no children and is widowed and lived in another country unity her seventies.

She has bought a flat in a block for older people very near a town centre. There is a good hospital, shops and transport links. There are similar minded people in the block. It’s expensive but she doesn’t have to worry about leaving an inheritance. There are a couple of communal areas she can sit in and people are coming and going. There is a ‘concierge’ who will do bits and bobs. Update your phone, print something out. She’s made friends there.

I'm sorry, OP. I can imagine how difficult this must be for you. I have an aunt in a very similar position and I know that she is very lonely - I try to do what I can to help, but inevitably, it's limited as I have my own life/career/dc etc and I also have my dad to care for.

I don't think you can expect your friends to put their own lives on hold until you die. They would have no way of knowing how long you might go on, and maybe they want to move before they get older themselves and it gets much harder?

You can't buy their presence by promising to leave them your money. It sounds like they have been kind to you. Is it really necessary to change your will?

Where does the OP say she chose not to have children?

We can’t control what other people do, whether we are related to them or not.

I wonder whether they’ve talked in the past about ‘when we retire’, or aspiring to move to the seaside for example.

How did you choose where you would live at various stages of your life?

Does your friend have family members that rely on her, now or in the past? GC to sit for, parents or aunts she keeps an eye on? I have enough in my life that I’d struggle to accommodate anyone else.

I am finding that people (generally) do get wonderfully and quirkily extremely selfish as they get older. Im seeing it increase daily with my mother, which is pretty amusing as she used to be the most selfless person there was. Probably fair enough on their part, earned the right and so on, but this is the result - youre upset she dared to go on a holiday at christmas and wants to do a very normal thing which is move. She probably never realised your friendship came with such high transactional expectations.

I am sorry for what youre going through though, it sounds very tough and tbf any one of us could be in either position. There but for the grace of god as they say.

And it was a colposcopy btw.

Sorry but are you trying to bribe them to do what you want?
She is well within her rights to move, you have overstepped massively. Why not move into a nicer care home with all the activites etc going on? It’s not like you don’t have the money for it.
She’s twenty years younger than you op she’s allowed to live her life, unfortunately she isn’t your family you can’t force her. If my parents did this I would feel really suffocatedz

I think your expectations are way off.

Get that will changed asap, OP.

Sorry you’re going through this.

You decided not to have children by choice - you have to live with that - you have put a lot of pressure on this friend by moving near her and expecting her to stay and support you but without actually saying that to her. You don’t like her husband and therefore he has zero loyalty to you but you expect to also change his life plans.

No one should assume another person will care for them /be responsible for them in old age. Did you ever ask her if she would be willing to take on that role?
I would make plans for yourself, hire a carer/ cleaner to support you or move to a retirement village. Use your money to ensure your end of life is comfortable.
leave your friend and your niece a sum each if you genuinely do love them.

She’s in her early sixties, you may live another ten years OP, maybe even 15, do you really want her to put her life (and her DH’s) on hold for you? I think that’s a lot to ask of family - let alone a friend. She has her life to consider, yes you are leaving a generous chunk of cash but if you live another ten years, she will then be well in to her 70s, there’s only so much she’ll be able to do with £400k then herself. She wants a cottage now so she can enjoy the remainder of her life now. She has children and grandchildren, she just can’t sacrifice all that to stay living near an elderly friend.

This. My parents are this sort of age and I would feel suffocated if they did this

My mum passed last year at the age of 95. At 84, though she had some health issues, she was independent. Gradually in the last 10 years of her life she became increasingly dependent on me, her only child. She was miserable and she made my life an absolute misery. If you’d have asked her at 84 was she going to do that, I’m sure she’d have said no but it happened gradually until it took over. It changed both of us and the stress and anxiety of it made me ill, I’m not sure I’ll ever fully recover. I have a husband who was wonderfully patient and 2 kids, now late teens, neither of whom have ever caused me as much anxiety. But I missed a lot because mum was so needy. In the end, she spent the last 18 months in a home as she couldn’t live alone. She didn’t want to live with me and it would have been a disaster anyway. It was a pretty good home and in many ways a relief for me but, for my own wellbeing, I had to back off which left me feeling guilty but it was just impossible. She wasn’t particularly happy there and took it out on me. I love my mum and miss the woman she once was but I don’t miss those last years, they were awful. That was the reality of caring for my very elderly mum.

I don’t expect my kids to do this for me. That’s what my savings are for. Spend time with me but not put their lives on hold.

I can understand how upset you are. I can imagine you feel very alone but you are asking too much. POA is already a lot. You can’t expect your friend and her husband to put their lives on hold for what could be many years. Nobody could have expected my mum to live to 95 given her childhood, young life and various health problems. Her mum was 85 and both her grandmothers also 85 so long lived. But 85 was not 95. At 85 she managed pretty well, as did her mum, but by late 80s and into 90 she wasn’t managing.

I think you’re asking way too much of your friend.