AIBU to be devastated

Good post from @MrsBennetsPoorNervesAreBack. Reframe the ‘hurt’ as unrealistic expectations, and possible poor communications if, as you say, you didn’t actually say in words that you expected your friend and her husband to stay living close to you until your death, but ‘implied’ it.

Still not your friends problem

Not sure why you’re trying to cajole someone with an inheritance that may never be available.

You may move into assisted accommodation, care home, nursing home etc. all very expensive.

You’re expecting too much and not speaking to your friend is emotionally manipulating them as well.

As others have said, move to a unit for older people.

Also, the fact that you don’t care for your friends DH, seems irrelevant.

What a load of nonsense.

The woman wasn’t presumptuous at all. She’s just living her own life. She didn’t presume she was getting an inheritance from the OP. She’s not even slightly ’taking the piss’ by deciding what she wants to do with her own husband.

I wouldn’t change what I wanted to do in my sixties so I can get a large inheritance. I’d rather do what I wanted to do with my own life and get no inheritance. You can’t buy people’s lives without asking them. The OP could have asked the friend to stay and look after her for a million pounds or whatever bit she didn’t do that.

But this is the entire point - you dont have a right to be hurt because your friend has done nothing wrong.

If you carry on childishly ignoring her (as you said you were doing in your OP) then you will end up losing a really good friend that even you admit has been very kind to you for decades. Losing one of your closest friends isnt going to help your feelings of loneliness, its going to make it worse.

I hope you get past the hurt you're feeling OP.

Remind yourself that you love then and WANT them to go and live their lives the best they can because life is so short. Just like you were able to live the life you chose when you were their age.

I know you want to close the thread down, which is fair enough. But in case you're still reading.

I think you need to try to reframe "the hurt". I am sure it isn't the case that your friend doesn't care about you, it is merely that she has her own life to think about which is about more than just you. She might not even have understood that it was your expectation that they should stay put - unless you made it very clear that this was a condition of the inheritance, she may have had no idea that you had linked the two together in your mind. The issue here is that your expectations were unrealistic in the first place - if you can try to recognise that, it may help to alleviate the sense of hurt that you feel.

Do you really think she should put her whole life on hold for you? And her family? Would love to know what her husband thinks about all this. She hasn’t “hurt” you she just wants to live her life.

I understand that, and it must be very hard. But, as a parent, I would never expect my own beloved child, to whom I am incredibly close, to put her own life on hold until I die. And I mean this kindly, but you should not expect this from your friend, who has her own life to live.

Could you perhaps think about using some kind of equity release scheme on your property in order to free up resource to pay for carers to come in and help you with stuff?

I do understand how difficult this must be for you. Ageing can be a very lonely and frightening experience.

The friend didn't presume anything.

You're absolutely right about the unrealistic suggestions re the £400,000.

I am sorry thats the case but can you not see that it's hugely manipulative to hang an inheritance over someone's head to get them to do what you want them to do? What's to stop you pulling the inheritance at any point in the future if you disagree with a life choice of theirs?

Did you put your entire life on hold when you were in your 60s to care for a an elderly friend? - if not why would you expect someone else do it?

Also, your friend has her own family to look after and help - if she has ageing parents and in laws how on earth are you expecting her to physically manage all of this.

I'm sorry you are feeling alone and unloved OP, but YABVU.
Your friend deserves her own dream retirement, as does her DH.
She isn't young anymore and might not be so lucky as to live as long as you already have.
You sound very manipulative and unfortunately may lose your DF altogether if you can't be happy for her, as she fulfills her own dreams.
Or are you only interested in the friendship if she is close by and doing what you want?
Also, on a practical note, your friend might of given up her dreams, then inherited nothing, as your estate was immediately swallowed up in care fees. £400,000 doesn't go far these days.
Those PPs suggesting retirement villages and year long cruises also need to wise up. An estate of £400,000 does not allow for that!
You could however, use what funds you do have access to, to make your life as comfortable /enjoyable as you can afford.
I hope your friendship survives.

Will all due respect, OP, you are not your friend's problem to sort. She has a life of her own to live, and is also well into the second half of that life. Your expectation that she put off what she and her husband want to do with the rest of it (move to someplace that they love and spend time together doing things they want) is very unreasonable. No one is obligated to literally put their lives on hold to cater to yours. That would also be the case if you were actually related.

Leave your estate to people you love and who have been there throughout your lifetime in various stages. Don't use it as a bribe like it appears you are doing now.

It all seems a bit much I’m sorry to say OP. She is your friend yes, but had her own family, children, grandchildren, partner, other friends. You sound like you’re suffocating her. Moving house to be closer to her. It’s a lot. It’s very kind that you’re leaving so much to her but it feels like it comes with conditions. Let her live her own life and move to where she wants to move to. You surely can’t begrudge her that?

I’d LOVE to hear her point of view on all this.

Do you understand what is involved in being an executor? If you own a house or land, or if your estate is large enough that IHT is due non professional executors will need to instruct solicitors anyway.

I don't understand your comment that They're happy for a solicitor to be the executor, so I don't think there will be a lot left over for my cousin's kids to inherit.

Or the OP's

and let a solicitor make a fortune out of selling my property and closing my estate.

That isn't how it works.

I’m sorry OP that you are alone, but you cannot expect others to build their lives to stop you feeling lonely - and using money as a sweetener is highly manipulative.

YABVVVU

The OP should have said it was expected - the friend had no idea that there was something for her to say that she couldn’t commit to.

I wonder if they are worried that they will feel obliged to be your carer, because you moved near them and then told them about the will?

Anyway, am sorry, I don't think that she doesn't care about you, I just think they have their plans as a family and it doesn't and shouldn't include you if they don't wish it to. I fear you may be driving your friend away. Best thing to me? Sit down and have an honest chat with her and don't ask much of her because although friends lean on each other time to time it shouldn't be the everyday norm.

You cant really keep a person living near you by the promise of a large inheritance. But she should have made it clear that she couldn't commit to that. Change your will and leave it to a charity if you've no relatives or other deserving friends. Perhaps some to a local hospice. And I also would withdraw the POA.

I felt sad reading your post, as I will be in your position in 24 years. It's a real tough one, you are clearly very close to your friend but leaving her money is no guarantee that she will care for you when you need it.

I think you need an open and honest discussion with her about what you want and what she wants. The move is probably nothing to do with you, just a dream that she can now fulfil.

Your post has really made me think what I will do. Having children so they will look after you is not a good idea in my opinion, and I'm still glad I didn't do that. But there is literally nobody I could give POA to who would not see it as a total bind.

You see her as a daughter, she sees you as a friend.

Regardless, I don't want my kids caring for me when I'm old. They have their own life to live. Same for your friend.

I think you've been very selfish in presuming anything.

OP, you don’t like her husband! You don’t want to depend on people you don’t like.

This is time to make some changes. I would contact Age Concern. They can either advise or put you in touch with charities who can offer advice. If I was you I would move into a sheltered flat asap. You can meet people that way and have as much or little alone time as you wish. There are financial organisations who can help plan. You need some advice on building a decent life for the rest of your years. There is help out there and you aren’t alone.

It is not too late. And it’s great you have found out her intentions now. I don’t think she has done anything wrong btw and don’t see the link between the will and her moving away.

You are allowed to feel sad though and I am sorry for that.