AIBU to be devastated

My post was absolutely relevant because it happens to far too many elderly people. Particularly those who live alone. We have a huge percentage of lonely elderly people with often crippling anxiety and depression. Communities which once provided the social support for many people just no longer exists. People are too busy to spend even half an hour with them. There are so so many people like the OP, like the client I saw this morning and like the may others I have come into contact with professionally or personally.

Your post wasnt relevant- you gave an example of someone nobody wanted to visit or see.

The OP describes her friend as wonderful and kind and keeps in regular contact with her.

In fact, it is now the OP who is ignoring her friend and refusing to contact her.

Therefore, any loss of contact now is due to the OP choosing to distance herself by choice.

Also - you say people are too busy to spend time with them, well yes, because when you have a full time job and young children (in addition to elderly parents perhaps) it is hard to even have a moment to yourself let alone visit random elderly people in the community. That doesn't make people bitchy, selfish or unkind, it makes them stressed, under pressure, and overwhelmed by their existing responsibilities.

I’m sorry. As another poster said, we’re all only a bereavement or so away from similar. It’s scary to be old and on your own.

However, it is likewise true that we cannot rely upon others to make sacrifices for us or refrain from making positive life changes for themselves even if they may disadvantage us (other than parents for their children - and that in childhood only).

I think, in your position, that I’d be looking for two decent well reputed private client solicitors in different firms. I’d see what they suggest. I think some may be prepared to be an attorney for a fee of course. As a failsafe , you could pay another firm to supervise or share the appointment cutting down on the low risk of any abuse or financial misconduct. I would record your wishes for your old age and infirmity with them. Do a Respect form and think about what medical interventions you’d want or not want. What kind of residential care and where? Or home care?

Once you’ve sorted these necessities, think about how you can age proof your home and make your life the best it can be for now. If you can, try and muster energy to join groups, church, make new friends. I am thinking of you and wishing you happiness.

Please don’t lose the friendship or dismiss the last 40 years. She has been an excellent friend and you should focus on all the good she has done. Her family may want her to relax and enjoy her retirement and not take on others responsibilities (they are right). Make professional provision for your future care, nursing home or carer support.
Keep your friend close and remember it should work both ways. Be happy for her.

You read that very differently to how I did then. I read no criticism of the cruise. Just demonstrating that they were close enough to spend most Christmas’s together. There was nothing to imply the OP was upset about the cruise. Just you and other posters twisting it to suit your narrative!

Yeah, the OP never said she chose to not have children. We don't know the reasons why. And as my 2 (long) posts illustrate, just because someone has a child/children that doesn't necessary mean they are going to get on when they're older. People can still be alone after being estranged from their children.

Again @Zov please quote where I have said any of what that poster says!
Perhaps read the thread properly?

It probably does at least feel like she’s been dropped by her friend to the OP. She has moved at the age of 82 years old to be closer to her friend. There is zero way that her friend was unaware of that situation before it happened. Why not tell her then that she wasn’t planning on staying put? Why let her have the huge upheaval of moving without mentioning that she wasn’t going to be there? People don’t just up and move at 82 without reason? You’re telling me that her friend of 40 years wasn’t aware of her reasons for moving?
Change for people of that age is often very hard. A friend upping and moving to the countryside is almost certainly very scary for the OP. Especially ones without known answers. Moving to the countryside could be 10 minutes away or it could be 10 hours away.

My post was absolutely relevant because it happens to far too many elderly people. Particularly those who live alone. We have a huge percentage of lonely elderly people with often crippling anxiety and depression. Communities which once provided the social support for many people just no longer exists. People are too busy to spend even half an hour with them. There are so so many people like the OP, like the client I saw this morning and like the may others I have come into contact with professionally or personally.

That did go through my mind for a moment too. But then some people under 40 may be suprised to hear someone in their 60s speaking like this, and yet some do. (I know a few! I am nearly 60, and have a bit of a potty mouth now and again!) 😬

You need to find people your own age to socialise with.
If there are none close by, consider moving to a residential area for retired people - that way you will have company.

Couldn't have put it better myself.

@MarilynAE , I would actually value your opinion on something. And anyone else who thinks I sound either brilliant or crazy (I’m sick and in hospital so I cant tell.)

The government isn’t doing shite to help us all out of this, and maybe it’s not their job (that’s based on your own opinion, whatever it is), so we’ll have to help each other - what would you think about a program in which younger couples or a single person of the same gender as you, who want to get on the property ladder join households with (and share some caring responsibilities for) single OAPs who have no family? I don’t know the exact logistics, but the goal would be that you, as the OAP, would interview candidates, find ones you like, do full DBSs and such, and then you combine households - they will inherit “the house” that you all currently live in when you’re gone, but any additional monies would be used for your care. They would also be legally obliged to provide a certain level of care that would allow an OAP to perhaps stay in their own home longer than without help, and ideally until death.

We’re running into this problem more and more in the UK - young people who can’t get on the property ladder and older pensioners who have no family to help them now in the “need help but not a care home yet” phase, and who may face their “estate”, which is essentially everything they’ve worked for all their lives, being completely eaten by either care home fees for a care home that would be unnecessary with just a bit of help, or the state. Tons of houses are just standing empty when people need housing. We can’t force billionaires to give us any of their 24 houses BUT we can choose to share our own levels of wealth with each other, as opposed to lining the pockets of yet more billionaires.

I was raised by my grandparents. I’ve lost them both now but I miss that relationship so much. I know it can’t be forced, but even friendship would be more than a lot of people have in their lives.

Am I crazy? Naive? Any lawyers/estate planners, is what I’m talking about even possible?

That’s exactly how I read it. It’s not the language of an 84 year old was my first thought.

Agree with this ^ also!

Agree with this. ^

I understand your upset OP, but you are trying to dictate another couple set aside their life plans in order to be on hand to care for you, without any indication they would want to do so.

My parents have spent the last decade caring for both my grandmothers in their own home. It has aged them both terribly - they retired and moved straight into full time caring roles and feel tethered to the house, unable to travel or visit friends. It is so saddening to see, even though it is close family. My mum in particular has seemingly given up on life, and isn't even 70 yet. She is convinced she will die before her mother.

Honestly, in your early 60s, would you have willingly given up significant life plans of you and your husband for an elderly friend? Knowing those plans may well be on hold for over a decade, and therefore indefinitely as you may be too elderly yourself when "released" from the commitment to fulfil your dreams?

You know it’s interesting actually now I have read some more comments - perhaps the OP has misinterpreted the relationship and the friend is trying to create some distance. My mum had a similar situation with a woman from the village who did not speak to her own child. She started off being nice to this woman who span a good yarn about everyone always leaving her and pretty soon it became clear why. She was excessively demanding and would call my mum for no end of favours. What started with the occasional dropping round of shopping to be nice became cleaning, dog walking, taking to doctors appointments and when you tried to say no she would have a go at you. If she had treated all the people in her life this way it was no surprise they had eventually got sick of her.

My mum did too and she has the patience of a saint but it was so draining she had to start screening her calls and eventually she moved onto someone else.

I'm sorry about what was obviously a very big misunderstanding with your friend.

I think you need to sell up and move into age related accommodation with additional assistance on site. There is a huge choice these days. You will find yourself in a ready made community and soon have people who either genuinely care about you around you or people who are paid to act as if they do, which I think is sometimes better because they will always be there.

“I should add that I don't make huge demands on her and never have.“

you don’t think demanding someone does not move house because you don’t want them to is a big demand?

No one has been bitchy, and what she wants is fine and understandable, but she can’t use money to try to make someone else’s life stop for her. This couple are retiring, they want to move away, which many do on retirement, the op only moved to be close to her 2 years ago, she’s now giving her the silent treatment, this woman took poa for her health, she visits, calls her most days, and now the op wants to be punitive as they want to move on retirement, even though she only moved there at 84, two years ago.

just because people get elderly it doesn’t mean bad or unacceptable behaviour should not be pointed out and thay in doing so people are bitchy.

and I’ve no idea what you’re on about with your lynchpin, this is not remotely similar to the op,

OP in the off chance you may still read these replies though you have said you're stopping - get a pet/pets - cat, dog, budgie - whatever to keep you company - more loyal than ''people'' generally ( unless food i treats involve ,of course] and/or buy a large TV.

Your post doesn't fit with what the OP has said. This isn't someone who was lynchpin of her village who's been cruelly dropped. OP lived somewhere else nowhere near the friend and only left whatever community she was evidently not the lynchpin of, to move close to this friend 2 years ago at the age of 82. This isn't a 'regular familiar face' situation. It's much closer to a 'ask someone to provide her with care and drop their life plans' situation, given the POA and the whole post being about OP's devastation at the friend's understandable plans to move and the OP's attempts to keep her in place. The friend has already done a lot for OP and will doubtless do more if the POA kicks in. She's 'seen' and 'valued' the OP, but her own life's value can't be totted up to a 400k promise so she can't live out her own 60s and 70s as she pleases, just like the OP has done.

Hopefully OP will find someone like you in the place she lives, although I note that you do it for a job, which is a different thing again. Lots of women do a lot of caring for older people, children, all kinds of people in need. They have to look after themselves too and not spend their whole lives sacrificing for others.

You are being very unreasonable OP. You have no right to make demands of them in exchange for being beneficiaries in your will. I thinks that outrageous to be honest. You have lived your life in a way that suits you - they have the right to do the same. They are telling you they don’t want to look after you and you need to respect that.

I would not spend my 60s+ looking after a friend for any amount of money - I won’t even do that for family!

In your shoes I would find myself a nice retirement community, buy a flat there and spend the rest of my money enjoying myself.

Why should the OP leave everything to her niece? She admitted she rarely shows up, as she is too busy being a 'high flying civil servant.'

It sounds like the woman - who is possibly moving away soon - has done waaaaayyy more for the OP!

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OP You sound articulate, in reasonable health and probably still have something to offer the world! I urge you to seek help via age concern, or any support agency like likewise, support and connect, peer coaching, and find out what is available in your area. It sounds like you need to be living somewhere with more people around.

Please consider reaching out to any charity and start the next phase of your life with some positivity. I don’t mean to say cheesy empty words, I think you could use this moment to really get somewhere and change things for the better . Good luck X.