I’ve just completely lost it with my daughter

Absolutely this.

amd also the obsessing about things having to be perfect. Like an outfit for a special occasion. And t day being ruined if things aren’t “right”.

im old now and better at masking it but I still feel it, internally.

I would just add, sometimes "the stuff" is intense for autistic adults, too.
Only they can restrain themselves (some of them).
Children of this age cannot.

Have you investigated a PDA profile op?

This too is telling. It’s your house. Not her home.

No it isn’t! It’s nothing to do with autism, it’s bad behaviour! Yes her autism may make her easily addicted to the dopamine of getting something new, BUT the way she’s going about getting all of these things she wants, is nothing to do with autism, it’s poor discipline.
My autistic 11yr old daughter tried being like this once and I nipped it in the bud immediately by putting a boundary in place. Now she knows if she is treated to something then anything else is off the table for at least a month. If she was to nag I’d instil consequences, however thankfully I’ve never needed to do so as she thankfully now wouldn’t dream of it as she’s become a very grateful child. Almost annoyingly so at times! 😌

This is nothing to do with her autism, it’s just bad behaviour. I have an autistic 11yr old daughter.

Sounds just like my 11 year old daughter with ASD.

I wondered if you were autistic too,

I'm AUHD and so is my daughter. Diagnosed within 6 months of each other. She's 11 now but was diagnosed at 10

We are both so much more regulated/ happier since we started learning how our brain works, what our triggers are, how tobregukate ourselves, we dont get it right everytime, but everything is so much better than it was

Does she know she's autistic? My DD was/is very demanding and ive come to realise, she massively over stimulates me,

DD talks at me, not to me. And somtimes she is frantic when she talks at me, it makes my body feel like there's an emergancy and it sends me into fight or flight, It's actually awful and even thinking about it annoys me.

I compared it to when she gets overwhelmed and everything is too much, said I can't cope with it and it makes me on edge and it's got so bad I don't even listen anymore, ....... I was harsh about it I'd just completely had enough ...... she now asks if she can talk about special interest before starting to talk at me - even that, is so much better for me

They are autistic, but they do have to learn social rules and boundaries. It is very hard, I'm a single parent with no family or support from their dad. But it does get better with boundaries and rules,

Learning about yourself and how to help yourself really really helps

edited to add

I get DD to screenshot the things she wants and then once a month we go through it with a budget, I had to tell her to stop telling me face to face as it seriously felt like I was being harassed in my own home, I was constantly on edge waiting for her to barge into my room

Yes.
This is all very sad.

Sorry OP my reply was to a previous poster.

Im not surprised you've reacted like this. Or that you dislike spending time with her.
What consequences are in place when she trashes the house, do you take things away from her etc? Does she have a phone or go out to play with friends?

I am autistic. I remember being yelled at for hours and berated for having “tantrums”.

I remember my dad hauling me round by the arm and screaming in my face because I couldn’t do what he was asking me to do Couldn’t. Because I’m autistic.

I remember being the “difficult” one and why can’t you just be more like your brothers.

The way the child is treated - not just last night but ongoing - is not ok.

Or the people who are taking the side of the child are speaking up as maybe they have autistic children themselves and are horrified of the thought of another child with similar difficulties of their own being treated in such a way?

I think it’s really telling that you’re calling it a toddler tantrum and shows that you don’t understand autism at all.

Out of curiosity, what's wrong with saying no?

Op sorry but you’re entrenched in your own victomhood and really letting your kid down here

Capa First Response
Aspens
National Autistic Society
Banardos
School Nurses
The Explosive Child (book)
Local disability charities/ peer groups/ respite/ support groups

you’ve been given a list of suggestions and the only thing you’re accessing is school nurse which is something to fix your daughter rather than to change your approach. There is a huge amount of support available which is not dependent on where you live, and why would you would expect your daughter to take kindly to your letter when you completely lost your shit with her last night and hadn’t even apologised yet, you need to repair first.

Teens are going to be hell on Earth if you don’t get this sorted out

im a single mum with a complex DS with adhd and asc and I have cancer. I’m not saying it’s easy, but you are the adult, a huge amount more is required of you here.

She has autism. It’s not a toddler tantrum.

I have a DD who is exactly the same. Wants this and that and the other and doesn’t really even seem to absorb it when she does get it; just on to the next thing.

I have had great success with “send me a link and I’ll think about it”. Half the stuff she forgets she has even want it/sent a link, half the stuff I can point out that it won’t work/is only in child sizes/wont arrive for 8 weeks, and some of it I buy. Only if it suits me to buy it though.

”Send me a link” isn’t a no, isn’t a yes, and it kicks everything down the road for a bit!

I'm not surprised you dislike spending time with her OP

This!!
All these posts about these kids assaulting, punching, hitting, waking up their parents, ruining days out etc. Autistic children still need teaching right from wrong. They may need teaching in a different way but these kids cannot go around bullying their family members. Because society rightfully so won't be so kind when they bully or try their luck with other people like work colleagues, friends or spouses.

No parents should be forced to live with this either. I'll probably get shot down in flames for saying this, but fuck that for a laugh. Autistic kids can also be naughty too. It isn't always down to autism.

You're getting lots of positive suggestions OP but I am just going to chuck in the old adage "you can't pour from an empty cup". You can't help her to regulate until you are regulated yourself and I can imagine seeing all these lists of things to Google or read or turn up to might be quite overwhelming when you are already at the end of your tether.

If you are feeling like this then shelve it for today, go somewhere where you can tune out and try to get yourself back from the brink.This is a really important piece of the puzzle that enables you to take effective action later on. You only have finite capacity and especially if you are autistic, you need to regulate first or your capacity is impaired.

OK that's something - one less area of pressure. But puberty is a known anxiety trigger in itself and there's no avoiding that.

Has the possibility of an anxiety diagnosis been explored? Once this is in place you can start looking at appropriate treatment specifically for the anxiety related behaviours. The examples I've been party to ended up in lots of debt in adulthood, once they could independently access loans/credit cards, as no treatment was worked on during adolescence.