I’ve just completely lost it with my daughter

Sorry, are you suggesting because this child is disabled and displays symptoms of her disability that are challenging that she should put up with being abused because no one else would want her? She has no right to a safe life, free from abuse?

In any case, I said OP should remove herself from the home if she cannot stop being abusive, not that the innocent child, the victim of abuse, should be removed.

I utterly horrified at how many people are trying to justify child abuse on the basis that this child has symptoms of disability that could be seen as irritating. Like that entitles people to abuse her.

I don't understand the point your trying to make either 😅🙈 ( I'm autistic sorry I just don't understand )

The first time you tagged me it sounded like you were disagreeing when you said Your expectations of behaviour are very high

It’s infuriating behaviour. 11 is old enough to appreciate that, ASD or not - I agree with this. I'm not defending the child or the mother, what OP did wasn't okay and she knows that, but as a late diagnosed autistic woman I can sympathise with OP as I do understand it is difficult to regulate yourself if you don't know how

Yes, because people will be lining up to look after this girl, who trashes property, yells at sleeping adults, writes on walls and hisses at her parents.

Autism may explain why she abused her disabled daughter for showing symptoms of her disability. It doesn't however make it acceptable or not abusive. Everyone can understand why the OP was frustated, but it is never, ever OK to drag a child around and shout in their faces. Whatever the provocation, whatever the circumstances that is abusive.

If OP cannot guarantee that she can parent, support and love her disabled child, keeping her safe and free from abuse, she needs to remove herself from this family.

I genuinely don’t understand what point you’re trying to make.

You’ve stated that yes, the OP is technically abusive for getting very angry and expressing it after being woken, but it’s explicable/mitigated by because the OP is also on the spectrum and hasn’t learned to self-regulate.

I am a non-autistic, generally regulated adult, but I need my sleep and if I was woken by an 11 year old screaming in my face, about boots, I would be furious and yes, I would express it.

It’s infuriating behaviour. 11 is old enough to appreciate that, ASD or not.

I find love dismissive and patronising - being Scottish doesn't diminish that view. Hth

I am not on the autism spectrum and I can self-regulate pretty well 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️

What do you mean not allowed to express an opinion, that poster already did didnt they, love?

(If you're Scottish you'll be very aware of pet names, it's not that deep)

She's likely an autistic adult whose never been taught how to support / regulate herself. You cant condem people when they havnt been given the tools or knowledge

Your expectations of behaviour are very high. I am not on the autism spectrum and I can self-regulate pretty well. However, if I was beyond exhausted and my daughter lay down next to me and shouted in my face about boots, waking me up, I would be furious and shout.

No advice as we are in the same boat. But I'm here to say I hear you.

Technically, your right and on the surface, it was abusive But then if read further, OP also suspects she is autistic.

To me it looks like OP had an autistic meltdown. Considering she has never been given or shown the tools to regulate herself/ alongside the stress of raising an autistic child, its not surpising OP had a meltdown

Also, the child isn't being abused by her mother , that would suggest this is a common thing in their household which it doesn't sound like it is,

OP knows it wasn't okay, but itndoesnt mean she's abusive.

She's likely an autistic adult whose never been taught how to support / regulate herself. You cant condem people when they havnt been given the tools or knowledge

Why are you calling people love. Is no one allowed to express an opinion unless it aligns with yours?

Oh have a day off love. This child was highly irritating and waking up her mum to yell. I am not surprised by the OPs actions in the least. She is burnt out from having her home destroyed, being assaulted, being hissed at, being nagged and bugged. Leave OP alone.

I don’t see abuse. I see an exhausted, burnt out mother anonymously venting on a parenting forum. This is a mother who is at the end of her tether and who has lost her sense of self. A mother who has financially stretched herself trying to help her daughter, with private diagnoses and a best-fit school whose own work is impacted by sleep deprivation. A strong relationship needs positive interactions to thrive, and the OP’s DD is very challenging.

It’s clear to me that this girl cannot regulate her emotions at home. She hisses, destroys the house, draws on walls, wakes her mother to yell. I agree with pp that the need for all the stuff is probably part of an anxiety loop, dopamine-seeking behaviour, looking for calm that doesn’t come. I also agree that sertraline or another SSRI may be helpful.

The OP and her daughter need psychology help, not because the OP isnt being “kind” enough, but because the DD needs to learn to wait, to regulate her emotions herself and not be dependant on her parents. The OP needs help to establish very firm boundaries around this, but in order to so she needs to feel calm and regulated herself.

… and why said kids go no contact in the future

If this was my daughter, and I established firm boundaries, assisted with them with self-regulation and in doing so enabled them to leave home and live independently I would consider that a parenting success, irrespective of whether we were “besties” when she was an adult.

There’s an alternate outcome where the OP does what she likes, everyone over-explains, tries to soothe her, it’s never enough and she escalates from 14 years plus when things get really hard with puberty and an increase in academic and social demand. The destructive behaviour continues but looks like substance abuse and self-harm.

The OP does not and should not tolerate being woken for sleep - and if she’d been calm it never soothes her daughter, the behaviour continues - and this needs to be a wake-up (lol) call for the family. The OP needs a rest and the DD needs professional help with her emotion regulation and anxiety.

Sorry you’re going through this op.

I don’t think the posters who are quick to label you as abusive realise a few things.

As well as exhaustion, i think a big part of what you are feeling is overstimulation. A quick google will tell you a normal reaction to this is rage.

The other thing is that it is difficult to get support out there if you are a parent who is going through abuse from your young child.

My DC1 went through a long phase of hitting me about 50 times a day. (It turned out to be because of a hearing issue). It really got me down and made me angry and combined with lack of sleep, often wished I was dead. I had talking therapies through NHS. All they said was that parenting is hard so don’t beat yourself up for losing it. There is absolutely zero help out there for parents in your situation. Just expected to put up with it.

I would say be stricter with boundaries. If she trashes her room, take all her stuff out of her room and explain it is for her own safety.

Is she worried about forgetting the thing if it goes out of ‘sight’ in her mind? (The hair thing made me think she wants it done so she knows it won’t end up too late to do it). Have you tried buying the thing, showing her it is “safely acquired” and in the house, but keeping it back for Xmas/birthday - some of the anxiety might be that if you don’t buy the thing the opportunity will be gone, because the shop will sell out etc.

The victim blaming on this thread has been horrendous. People are just glossing over the fact that this is a child. A child with autism. Being abused by her mother. Every excuse in the book for the mother. Absolutely no accountability from her. Shocking.

I interpreted it as the OP fell asleep around 11pm after an exhausting week and cumulative sleep deprivation. The OP’s very irritating child lay next to the OP, in the OP’s bed, shouting in her ear, waking her up and demanding football boots.

Whereupon the OP dragged the daughter out of the OP’s bed.

And fair enough too, IMO.

Most people have voted YANBU.

No. This highly irritating child decided that it was acceptable to wake her exhausted mother up, to demand yet another trivial item from a seemingly inexhaustible list.

She wasn't in bed. She was in her mother's room waking her up.

She was. The OP used the word drag in her first post

I know you say YABU and people have voted that too but I voted YANBU simply because you are human and there’s a limit to everyone’s patience. Yours really was being tested to the max. I’m pretty sure I’d have been equally irate!

She wasn't dragged from her bed. She learned that waking someone up from a deep sleep asking for the next thing to buy wasn't a good idea.
Since you obviously feel so passionately, I presume you're in exactly the same situation with your own SEN kid and can tell the OP exactly what she should do?