I’ve just completely lost it with my daughter

Please be kind to yourself. Having a ND child is literally exhausting

Chat gpt is helpful for complex parenting coaching.
sounds like there is probably a lot you could change to make things better. You’re the adult. You should say sorry to her for your disregulation and frightening behaviour tomorrow and get serious about learning about autism, developing strategies to cope and calming your nervous system down. Sorry to be blunt.

Yes. Parent of two diagnosed autistic teens. It is. It’s exhausting. Forgive yourself. Tomorrow is a new day.

Is she your only child?

You can't push her out into the garden either OP. This is abusive behaviour. She is a child and she has a diagnosed condition. You have a duty of care towards her, you cannot keep harming her like this.

You need to get some help for yourself so that you can learn some coping strategies. You and your partner can make a schedule so that you each get some sleep and some time for yourselves.

I get it, my DD is autistic too. It’s exhausting and frustrating but pulling her from bed and screaming in her face is abuse. I’m sure lots of people on here will you tell it’s fine etc but it’s not. I doubt you would have responded to another adult that way because the chances are they’d fight back. So you don’t respond that way to your child and then try to justify it by blaming her behaviour.

You need to apologise, she didn’t shrug and go back to sleep because she didn’t care. She did it to protect herself, she doesn’t feel emotionally safe with you.

You’ve likely caused this, unintentionally, by giving in all the time. She knows if she just nags enough you’ll buy whatever she wants.

If you can afford it I’d try therapy for her, does she only get your attention when she’s asking for stuff? Do you only do things together when you’re buying her things? It sounds like you don’t like her very much and she’ll pick up on that too. The stuff is just a symptom of how she’s feeling.

OP might be autistic too.

@imsoverytired82 You need to work as a team - he should be supporting you.

I don’t have children but teach English in an SEN secondary school. I have one student in particular who asks the same questions over and over, day after day. I know it’s part of anxiety etc for him but it is honestly infuriating for me and his classmates (before implementing any strategies I used a clicker to count the questions and it was between 10-15 times in an hour lesson so once every 4-6 mins) so I give him three (down from 8 to 5 and now 3) post it notes a lesson, stuck to his desk in front of him. Every question means a post it note is removed and when they’re gone they’re gone and his (scripted) questions won’t be answered anymore. It’s taken about half a term but he has made huge progress towards really thinking about whether he wants to “use up” one of his questions and we have the occasional lesson now where he has a post it left at the end!

All this to say, I wonder if something similar would work for your daughter. If she knows she’s “allowed” to ask a certain number of times a day and will get a serious and full answer but after that she needs to wait until tomorrow, she might start to think about it consciously rather than impulsively. It does take a while to retrain the brain though!

https://www.newboldhope.com/buying-things-article

Interesting article

What's Dad doing in all of this?

You dragged her out of bed and screamed at her and shouted in her face. Come on, that is not ok. You are the adult, put something in place to help you control yourself. She can't help her behaviour, you can help yours.

You poor thing. I have adult children on the spectrum. I recognize the fixation on getting a particular thing regardless of it being dangerous or inappropriate or whatever and the meltdowns if they don't get it. I have lived through the South American musical instrument craze. Obviously she is affected by autism but that doesn't mean she gets a free pass on her behaviour. I think you need to just refuse to buy stuff - I mean I realise this very easy to say but whatever you are currently doing is not working. I think she has worked out that if she nags she will get something and you have to break that cycle - if she nags she never gets it. How is she going to get on in the world if she thinks that being a whiney little beast will get her things. If one of my sons had done what she did when I was crazed from lack of sleep I would have probably have yelled at him too. My husband, who is on the spectrum, would certainly have been punished for this sort of behaviour growing up. Where is her father in all this?

What if you turn it around, so when she asks for something you say 'Have you asked me about that before? What was the answer I gave you?' and let her fill in the gaps a bit? I have had some success with this, albeit with a child who simply uses my brain rather than their own for even the simplest thing, but it might be worth a try.

Alternatively, would it maybe help to redirect her acquisitive nature by putting her in charge of shopping? She could help make lists for the supermarket shop, even if it just gives you an excuse to send her upstairs to check the toothpaste/loo roll/cleaning supplies every time she asks for something that you don't want to discuss and redirect that energy to things that you do actually need to buy.

Yes, it can be a hyper fixation. The stuff gives her a dopamine hit but it doesn’t last long so she wants more.

She nags because you will give in (understandable) but that is the pattern you both do.

To break it will be hard and she will test you more than she ever has and nag even harder but if you stick to your guns it could work well.

Think of all the ‘tips’ that would help her;
like when you’re out, go to the shop she wants something from last/ do a visual chart of pocket money she gets or item you buy her that month- get her to put what she wants next (thinking this is managing and lessening her ‘wants’ as they won’t disappear so they need to be incorporated) - like a toy, on a visual calendar/ picture etc and her steps to get this, like tidy room/ fold washing etc- give her a daily job so she earns it- if she misses a job add it on another day so she can make up for it.

Stay strong, we all have a limit and we all snap sometimes.

You need to look after yourself too.