I’ve just completely lost it with my daughter

OP feels bad and is coping as best she can in a difficult situation. Piling on her and acting holier than thou and shocked is not helpful and if you have never dealt with an autistic child you probably don't have any idea just how bad it can be. I once acted in a very similar manner to OP. I too was at the end of my tether. My son doesn't appear to have been permanently emotionally scarred by it. Last month we had a family holiday for 10 days in a lovely resort in Bali. He is a doctor. There can be light at the end of the tunnel.

I always envy parents whose autistic kids give a shit about what other people might think of them 🤣 it must make everything so much easier.

I’ll explain to my autistic DS that his behaviour might be considered rude and he’ll scream at me that he doesn’t care.

If I say, ‘I think you’re doing X because you’re sad / tired / whatever’ he’ll just say I’m wrong and probably also swear at me and/or physically attack me.

This sounds so hard. What a frustrating condition autism is. The wanting sounds relentless. Your dd sounds needs to learn to think of others though. I would not be happy with being woken up over something silly like that. Hopefully she'll learn from this and not do it again. It's no wonder you lost it.

@imsoverytired82 i’m so sorry this happened. I’d be furious at being woken up for this too and I doubt I would have handled it much better.

My ds was very much like this too. Constantly asking for something. Often not taking no for an answer - asking and asking and asking and asking soon as he got something he wanted something else./

Eventually we opened him a bank account (he’s 8). We give him an amount each week (currently £10 as this is an amount we can afford and are comfortable with). At the beginning we asked him to choose something he wanted to save up for - he has to put £5 a week towards this and can’t take that money out until he’s reached his savings goal. Then each week he can choose to spend the other £5 or save it.

Now, whenever he asks for something I ask him is he has enough money in his account for it - if he does, he can buy it with his own money. If he doesn’t then it’s a simple ‘no - but you can save up for it’. So far it’s worked really well for us.

I appreciate this doesn’t help with something like football shoes or a world book day outfit as these are both things that we would buy for him anyway- but it might cut down on at least some on the asks?

Have you approached social service .im west sussex we have Early Help who would be able to support with stratergies to help support you both.
Also have a look online for local support networks that you can self referer too.

Sounds pretty typical of autism - the hyperfixation, dopamine seeking, anxiety, and lack of understanding other people's boundaries/reactions.

If she gets a dopamine hit from shopping she may constantly be thinking of the next thing she wants. The latest thing becomes the ONE thing she NEEDS. Anxiety makes her feel desperate to make sure it happens, so she constantly mentions it to feel reassured that you haven't forgotten. Lack of social skills means she may not do this in a charming way, just a constant nagging.

I agree with the suggestions of a whiteboard/notebook where she can write down these things. It may curb her impulse to constantly ask, as she can 'see' them somewhere physically, written down, and knows you can see it too.

To be honest, you’re not being fair on her.

Regardless of her being “high functioning”, you know this specific behaviour stems from her autism - she has a medical reason for acting in that way.

You seem to think because she’s “high functioning” that she should know better and should automatically act like a person who doesn’t have autism would act. But if that was possible, she wouldn’t have the diagnosis to begin with!

I think you need to rethink your approach to this, you got in a visceral rage over missed sleep but she woke you up within the hour of you getting into bed, you were posting on here by 11:44! Ie you still had the rest of the night to catch up on sleep, particularly if you were as exhausted as you say. Whatever you’re doing for her bedtime clearly doesn’t work because she’s not asleep and is wired up thinking about world book day or whatever. Maybe you need to expend her energy during the day and change the bedtime routine so that at night, she’s sleeping through it herself instead of thinking about school etc.

Oh and find a way to spend time just you and your husband. Can you give the girls pizza in front of a film and you have "date night" in the kitchen? Book annual leave or take a long lunch together occasionally on school days. Use parental leave.

Also consider asking your husband to take them one weekend and you go away for a night or two in a hotel, by yourself. It sounds like you need it. I find it so helpful.

That sounds really tough for you - and so exhausting! It made me think about ‘love languages ‘ (Google Gary Chapman five love languages if interested). One of these is people who feel loved when they receive gifts - I am wondering if this is your DD and the overlay of her Autism makes it relentless. I think the suggestions of trying to put in some clear boundaries would be helpful - but it is not easy. How about you draw a pick of football boots and divide into10 - 15 sections - if DD has a good day and doesn’t pester for the boots she can colour a section in? When they are all coloured in, you can arrange to go and buy some ( if she’s still keen).
Waiting for anything can be difficult for lots of people with Autism. I guess it’s about finding a way to help your daughter learn to experience ‘delayed gratification’. Lots of others have posted good suggestions so I hope you find something that helps.

I feel for you. Is there any way you can hold some boundaries especially round bathroom and your bedroom? She sounds like she is capable of learning them.

Maybe switch off the internet at night to help reinforce that it is literally not possible to buy anything at night.

The whiteboard is a good idea but you would have to revisit it very often I think, if only to talk about it. Could you also consider an allowance "now she is old enough", maybe weekly, and/or chores for her to do to earn the money. Obvs it depends on her understanding but there is potential to harness that drive and turn it into a work ethic. It would give a concrete limit she could understand even if she doesn't love it at first. Anywhere you can link life skills to a special interest is potentially a good learning opportunity.

I think with our autistic DC we sign up to talk about the favourite subject ad infinitum and that is just part of the job. On good days we drip feed tolerating other topics, on bad ones we give into it. But there needs to be a line drawn between talking about it and doing it. If her obsession was water skiing she couldn't do it 24/7. You'd all understand that. Perhaps you need to find ways to apply that same separation to talking about shopping Vs actual shopping. Indulge the talking about it but be strict about the doing it, and be really clear about the distinction.

I'm not sure f this is helpful, you are mainly exhausted and emotional and I've given a "head" reply not a "heart" one. But one reason for that is when you're feeling lost and overwhelmed sometimes it really helps to make a plan. Good plan or bad plan it doesn't really matter, but just deciding what you are going to change gives you a positive way forward and some hope.

It will get easier, eventually, in the long run. One day at a time x

Set her a spending budget that she’ll get at the end of the week and tell her every time she asks about the same thing repetitively then a certain amount will be deducted from the total and if she’s patient and doesn’t ask she’ll get a tip per day.
Write it on a board.

Does her Dad ever scream at her and get physical with her?

I have agree as a dad to an autistic son myself I know the demands it can place on you as a parent and how emotionally draining it can be.but there is no way I would drag my child out of bed and scream in his face that's not acceptable.that poor girl must have been terrified.i don't think I've read any remorse either just justifications.so I agree with you the OP definitely needs some professional support

Number order messed up on the list but you get my point 😅

I will try and word this as politely as I can.

So in your own words you...
1.dragged her out of bed?
2.Screamed at her?

1. Said horrible things to her?
2. Went mad at her?

She's an 11 year old autistic child who is excited/overthinking her world book day costume and her new football activity.

You need to do better... this was really sad to read especially your overall tone on how you describe your daughter. Also... it's not her fault either if you are having a difficult time at work is it?

You've said you will apologise to her tomorrow which is good... I do wish you and your daughter all the best and happier times for the future 🙂

You don't sound much better than her at this stage. You clearly need support because you can't go on like this. She's 11. She didn't choose to be autistic.

You pushed her out the house? Please. Stop typing. Go to bed. Ask social services for some support on Monday. You really do sound like you hate her

If she went to school and told them you had laid your hands on her and shoved her out of your house - all hell would break loose. She would probably be put on a child protection order.

Get help before you do something stupid. Other people might think your behaviour is acceptable but it really isn't. She's a child.

also writing a list and learning to prioritize

Work out a system. She has a rooster card with x amount put on it each week. She can save or spend herself. When it’s gone it’s gone. There is no other money and nagging will not change that. You need to be immovable and not give in.

No matter how stressed you are - read your posts back. This is your 11 year old child. You sound like you hate her - you need to get some external support. Screaming in her face isn't going to help an autistic kid

This just reminded me of a phase one of my dd's went through.
She's also autistic but was diagnosed after this phase.

She was around 12 and would constantly give me tasks, they felt like almost impossible missions eg asking for an item of clothing with a very very specific spec (fabric, shape, colour etc).
Or from some weird European or American website.

At the time she was really struggling with her MH, anxiety, intrusive thoughts, OCD etc

I really felt like it was her way to keep in touch and receive feedback from me.

When tried to find the item it was feedback to her that I was listening and I cared.

She would also wake me at night or prevent me from sleeping talking about her hair. It wasn't really about her hair, it was the intrusive thoughts and they wouldn't let her tell me, so instead she showed her anxiety and asked for help in this way.

I don't know if it's the same for your DD but my experience of my DD with autism is that what is said isn't what it's really about.