I’ve just completely lost it with my daughter

Give her an allowance. Tell her you will no longer be buying her anything; you will give her the allowance you can afford give her and she can spend it on what she wants. Yes, she will certainly blow through the first installments and nag you unremittingly for special treats, but if you hold firm, her rampant materialism will hopefully die down. Spending money on stuff feels very different when it's your own. She sounds like the kind of person who could easily run up unmanageable debts once she has her own credit card, so you need to start teaching her the value of money now.

I think try to change her focus from getting stuff to doing stuff that requires not getting anything, so I used to be hyper focused on eg drawing and would work on that. Or books hence I worked my way through the library! It doesn’t require buying anything. Her brain is just moving through a checklist so you have to change the checklist!

I think a huge thing is how stressed you are, is the work situation ongoing or just this week? Is it work or childcare related? Look at that.

My autistic relative is very focused on money and stuff. His joy really does come from having the trinkets he likes that fit with his interests, not unusual in my experience.

We find that clear boundaries and expectations around when we can discuss getting things work.

E. G Let’s have a look online for X but we can’t talk about Y until next week. If he comes to me too early in the morning or at night, it’s a reminder that now is not the time and can he write it down or text me/ send a voice note (he’s usually on to the next thing my the morning any way). Also changing the subject to something else might work for a while, putting a film in that interest him etc.

Strict boundaries about money too. He is older so he has a set amount he is sent everyday. If he wants something on top then there is a clear explanation that if he gets that then he won’t be able to have x money.

Also have to mange him selling/ donating older items if he wants new ones or wants to add to his collection as he would hoard.

Lots of reminders to be polite and say please/ thank you for things.

Please don't speak about a child like this.

One thing I've noticed from your posts, OP, is that you refer several times to "my house" in scenes that include both you and your daughter. That is telling and sad to me. It is your daughter's house (and home), too.

Totally agree. ‘Love Languages’ are wank.

She sounds like a horrible, spoilt little madam. A good bollocking won't damage her 🙄

I’m an AuDHD woman and I have autistic twin DC, now aged 16 yrs old. DS in particular has high needs (still in nappies and will be at home for life).

I know it’s hard - DS has echolalia as well as the anxiety so we often hear exactly the same things many many times every hour, each time requiring me to answer. The same thing. Every time. Tonight I was trying to get dinner out of the oven and serve up about five different things and he was following me around the kitchen telling me about 10th Gen Pokemon - which he had been talking about non-stop since yesterday. Incessantly. Asking me questions about it. The same questions he’s been asking me for the last 48 hours. He didn’t go to bed until 1am which is why I’m still up at 5am trying to find some me time!

However one thing I’ve always remembered is the adage “what goes in their ears comes out of their mouths”.

In your replies there are references to regularly shouting at your DD. So it’s perhaps not a surprise that she yells at you. It all sounds very pressured and stressful.

Have you been on any parenting courses? The National Autistic Society used to run good ones called Early Bird and Early Bird Plus. I think it would really be beneficial for you.

I think you need to establish what’s at the core of your DD’s behaviour - if you can figure that out, you can find a solution that works for everyone. Is her behaviour anxiety driven? Do you promise things and not follow through? Is she over stimulated? Does she not have the coping skills to manage worries? Could she also have ADHD which often gets missed in autistic girls?

When I’m fixated on something I think about it incessantly. Even when I’m doing other things and it might not be obvious. If I’m anxious about something, getting repeated reassurance really helps, even if I’ve been given it before. Obviously I’m an adult and I mask extremely well, so I know that I can’t talk about my current favourite subject for an hour at a time. And that I can’t keep asking someone the same thing. But would I like to? Honestly? Yes very much sometimes. But I suppress the urge because I know it’s not fair or ok. I can get stuck on the same thought loop for a very long time!!

It’s like an itch that you need to scratch, but understanding what’s causing that itch will help you put solutions in place for your DD that bring you all some peace.

But for the sake of you, your DH, your autistic DD, and your other child you need to make some changes. Pulling a child out of bed and screaming in their face and saying “horrible things” is not ok. You know this. But to prevent things spiralling you need to be proactive and make some changes. Now.

The love languages is bunkam. Honestly have a read about how it started and what's based on. It's utter nonsense.

Huh
what support do you think you'd get if you were on benefits and working class? Your GP isn't interested because she's not ill and nor are you. Your GP can give you a sick note for work if you need it but otherwise that's the limit of their capabilities. Sadly there is very little statutory support for autistic children and their families but there are always charities and peer support groups online which you can find, and your local early help service might have some pointers for support. Not the GP.

This phase will pass - it’s extremely hard with autism as she won’t be able to “ get in your shoes “ to understand how stressed and drained her demands are making you feel.
Autism is selfish in its nature- that she can’t help xx
I had a similar issue, with an inability to comprehend spending, with my ASD ds, at the same age. I got in a lot of debt with his special interest.
Eventually, I set a budget and said that we can only spend what he have in the ‘pot’, therefore giving the choice to him, to work out his priority of where to spend his ‘ budget’ - setting boundaries .
It does wear you down, the relentless insistence, but it is part of raising an autistic child. Try to walk away, take a breather, before your temper takes over and you lose control .
Coping with a child with autism, whilst maintaining your own self care, the advice is all over the internet, which helped me.
Good luck X

I'm autistic. If I ever raised my voice or woke either of my parents from age 3 onward, I'd have gotten an automatic "No, and now you've lost privilege". Autism isn't an excuse for bullying her mother.

You are absolutely not being unreasonable. You deserve your sleep and I wouldn’t tolerate this either.
Being autistic doesn’t mean you get everything you want; you will have to find a suitable punishment for this behaviour and definitely stop buying her things beyond the basic needs.

I've seen this before where the child had social struggles and having the right stuff was a way to fit in with the crowd. Is this the case for your DD maybe?

Also a thought, with an autistic DD, you could be autistic yourself. Maybe you had a meltdown? I'm not saying that to minimise it, but understanding it can help you manage it better in future.

I'd work on setting boundaries around when and how she can communicate about things she thinks she needs and when they will be bought, if at all.

Could you get a calendar (with the largest boxes you can find!) and write in things like 'World Book Day - x outfit with y hairstyle' so when she's asking questions repeatedly you can tell her to check the calendar. As others have said, you could also have a 'shopping day' marked on so she knows she won't be getting anything until then, and can perhaps record in that box things she would like, then the day before she can prioritise based on her/your budget.

Good luck OP, and try not to be too hard on yourself. You are only human and doing your best with no support from outside agencies, dealing with very challenging behaviour.

You sound like a brilliant teacher.

I get it OP. It sounds very difficult. You’re doing your best, losing our cool happens to the best of us

Not necessarily. Could be a teen thing. Either way its ok to put in boundaries that extend further than not waking you up demanding stuff ie you can't buy everything she wishes

I hear you. If you’ve not been here, it’s very hard to understand. Picking up on ‘anxiety’. Is she on - or have you explored - medication to help this? Mr 10 (autism and ADHD) struggled for a long time. Hyper focus on one thing was challenging as he just couldn’t stop talking/asking about whatever it was. Medication helped to lower his overall anxiety level, which then enabled him to engage with child psychologist to develop strategies to recognise and how to de-escalalate. I know girls can be very different to boys in how they present, but this might be a way forward.
As an adjunct, he’s been able to develop ongoing friendships at school for the first time ever.
I’m not in UK, so I don’t know your health system. I went private paediatrician and psychologist.

This. Maybe she will think twice next time. This is no life. She may have a diagnosis but it doesn’t mean that your life and limits stop existing just because you have to accommodate her.

Oh, and don’t worry about losing it. They can be fucking annoying 🤣

My 16 year old daughter is exactly like this. She’s undiagnosed. She has ADHD traits and I assumed it was that, but then I suppose there are ASD traits that overlap!