I’ve just completely lost it with my daughter

My nd kids ask the same question over and over again. I read somewhere that it could be something to do with the predictability of the response when they’re feeling that everything is unpredictable. Needing the reassurance. It’s so easy to underestimate how much support ‘high functioning’ or high masking girls need with their autism. Things like visual timetables might seem unnecessary but they still help with this end of the spectrum. Could be worth finding the time and strength from somewhere to put some simple bits in place.

My kids don’t leave us alone at all, they need 1:1 support almost any time they’re awake (and my eldest barely sleeps). It’s often because they feel dysregulated and need to be near us to regulate them. It seems like they’re attention seeking but it’s more than that. They’re borrowing our nervous systems to co-regulate which is hard when you’re struggling to regulate yourself. My kids also pick up on the slightest ‘vibe’ of stress or worry and it panics them. My son in particular will try and dysregulate everyone else when he feels dysregulated, seems to be almost as a way to get everyone on the same level as him, a sort of co-regulation attempt? Or maybe he’s just trying to push our boundaries or get a dopamine hit from being told off?! I haven’t fully worked it all out myself yet.

The requests for you to tidy could signal that it’s making her feel overwhelmed/out of sorts as the room looks different or things aren’t ‘just so’. I’m not saying you have to always cater to this but understanding where it comes from will help you all. The request for you to buy things could be making sure you are listening to her and are able to meet her needs etc. She may have a strong sense of justice so when you ‘owe her’ money she’s earned, She may be carrying worry around that it hasn’t been paid yet. Also my eldest panics that it will be forgotten and often struggles to move on from something until it feels ‘complete’; does your daughter feel that not having been paid for a job means it’s not ‘done’? I know some of her behaviours can’t be allowed to continue unchecked but sounds like you’re exhausted and empathy is hard to find when you’re feeling like this so just trying to draw attention to these things for you.

It sounds like she may also be worrying about world book day - dress up days are a nightmare in our house. Give her a picture of the outfit and the hair she’s chosen or do a dry run one evening and take a photo that she can look at. She may not have the executive function to work out what that morning will look like (and is worried as it’s a change to routine) so explaining that to her will help. Also asking school to explain to her ahead of time what will be different in school on that day could help.

It sounds like the constant need for stuff could also be dopamine seeking, is she also adhd? Does she also have a poor memory, at least working memory or short term memory? My youngest does and asks things constantly due to genuinely having forgotten the answer I think. Maddening though!

My eldest also regularly refuses to leave the house and it’s so hard. She is so overloaded all the time (socially, sensory, demands, etc) that she just needs to splodge at the weekends but it has a huge effect on the whole family.

ND parenting is very tough. You’re overwhelmed and that’s ok. The most important thing is that you repair the relationship with a discussion today. Can you also book a day off with your husband while the kids are in school? That’s the only way we ever get any time together.

Hope you have a better day today.

"The autistic thing" is rumination and perseveration. "Stuff" just happend to be the sticking point.
But it could also be behavioural and not linked to autism diagnosis at all. Does she always get what she wants? Is she more likely to get it when she asks repeatedly? Have firm boundaries been established? Has she been told "no"?

@imsoverytired82 I'm Autistic with an Autistic dc too. You know yourself that the situation was not ideal so try to focus on moving forward and finding ways to cope for you both

It sounds like you are both (unsurprisingly) getting very overwhelmed, and your daughter then has dopamine seeking behaviour added in on top of that. Like some others have said already, she probably needs clearly defined rules put in place regarding stuff being bought, whether they are based on cost or frequency. And some rules around asking for stuff. Most importantly, once rules have been made, they need be to followed!

I really recommend finding a way for her (and you!) to decompress when she needs to, preferably something physical whether it's an exercise bike/rowing machine/punching bag, or an exercise ball that she can sit and bounce on, or balance board. It really really helps with overwhelm

The team that diagnosed her, wherever that was, did they give you any contact numbers or links to organisations or resources that can provide advice or support?

I have experience of this with my SEN daughter. I find some of it is anxiety driven. Visual reminders can be reassuring and comforting. There is also a 'dopamine hit' reward from obtaining 'stuff' - to the point where it can have nothing to do with the possessions so much as the obsessive focusing on it and then the very temporary reward feeling of having obtained that item. Then it is on to the next obsession.

So perhaps worth a try - a little whiteboard specifically for her and you. Put it in a prominent location and then write down the things she's bothered by that you need to remember. E g. World book day costume, world book day hair - and how she wants you to do it - and then ?football boots. Every time she starts off again - redirect to the board. "Yes, I know. It's on your important stuff to remember board."

Something like the football boots - I'd want an agreement re: how many sessions she'd attend before I consider buying them, and given her obsession with 'stuff' I would want a contribution from her pocket money. I would also look on Vinted for new/new without tags as you can often get things like that a lot cheaper that way.

Anything else, she needs to save for or wait for birthday and Christmas. Perhaps you can help her set up a separate visual tracker in a notebook. If you look at bullet journals, you will see lots of ways people track all sorts of things. For some people, the satisfaction of tracking the things that are important to them is rewarding and meets a need.

11 is a really really tough age without the autism, I have found. And WBD can actually do one.

She needs to get it out of her head and a better way to manage it, give her a notepad that lives beside your computer or somewhere that works for both of you, that she can write reminders on.
After dinner each day, discuss the list, either buy the object, come up with another plan (like make your own costume), say no or wrote a solution on the list (football boots after 4 sessions and put a reminder on your phone).

She needs help with the anxiety of forgetting something, especially as at this age it's worry about you forgetting something, and you need a way to take control of it that works for you.

Good luck, it's hard but you'll find your way, x

Oh this is resonating so much with me, solidarity op. If I’d just had my neurotypical child I would have been one of those posters saying ‘thats terrible you need help’, but as Im in the same position as you, I know there is no help and I can see how you got pushed to the edge.
My dd has asd and is the same age and some of this sounds very familiar, although mine is less stuff oriented, but a school refuser, so swings and roundabouts. However I really recognise that feeling of it never being enough no matter how much you try. We had what should have been a lovely shopping day over half term, where we went into all the shops she wanted, i bought her lovely things and she still had a meltdown because she couldn’t find the very specific clothes to fit her incredibly stringent requirements. It can just feel so so thankless. like living with a small narcissist who neither understands their impact on other people nor cares (I know it’s not the same of course)
My mental health has definitely taken a hit and Im not as good a parent as i would like to be to my other child because of the time she consumes.
I doubt she will cope with secondary at all and Im dreading the full onset of hormones, but that’s probably another thread.

I personally think that earning pocket money leads to more problems than it's worth. I gave my DC a set amount of pocket money every week not linked to jobs or behaviour and they could spend it or save it as they wished.
I also tried to have the idea that our family was a team so we all helped with jobs and no one got paid. This wasn't always easy and didn't always work but it removed a lot of anxiety.
My friend's child who got paid for jobs was always asking for jobs and money, not just from her family and became a bit of a pain.

I definitely come from a family with some neurodivergence but also both parents had very traumatic childhoods and I definitely remember being dragged up and shouted at and very occasionally hit with a slipper (possibly only once) so in that sense you're right, it might be a core childhood memory. However, I also have millions of happy loving core childhood memories and with the shouting ones, in retrospect I see how I'd pushed her buttons (I'm ADHD, adult diagnosed) by losing/breaking everything, keeping my room a mess etc, it must have felt like total disregard for everything she did for me and parenting is exhausting. And I still loved her then and I still love her now. No one can have all happy memories and as long as the good outweigh the bad, it will be ok.

@BusMumsHoliday , I think you also need to see that this asking for stuff is an anxiety response (seeking reassurance and attempting to asset control) and look for ways to reduce anxiety elsewhere in her life.

Yes! Absolutely this!

The only way we ever found to stop this was to be really black and white. No, I won’t buy anything you ask for, other than birthday and Christmas with a budget of X. You can tell me what you would like in Y, and I don’t want to hear about it before then.

It is an anxiety driven behaviour so it’s really hard to calm down otherwise.

This is not her fault as you say but you can help.
Reply once with your decision.
Next time say "I've told you already X"
After that say "You need to unstick your brain. I'm not talking about this any more".
Then do not say anything. If you keep replying she's getting feedback and it will make her keep on talking about the same thing.
I know it's hard but this will work, I promise!
It might make her double down the first few times, look up "extinction burst". But it will help.
Don't discuss budget - she's not an adult. Maybe if she was 15 she would get it.

This is great, and honest, advice. My DS is a lot younger but we learnt very, very early on not to tell him about any plans unless we were certain they were happening. And then it has to be in great detail: "we'll get this bus, to this place, then we'll go to this cafe, and this shop, and but these things." "We're going shopping at the weekend" just wouldn't work.

We're also working on "you have to trust the adults with the plan" because no one enjoys being interrogated by a 6 year old over the minutiae of a day trip.

I also think - sorry - that you might benefit from external help because I think there’s a clear undercurrent of you excluding her - the way you talk about my house is sad. It’s sending her a message that she doesn’t quite belong.

OP, I hope you are feeling a bit better and were able to apologise.

You have received lots of suggestions about how to manage your DD, but very few about how to manage yourself.

it is clear that you are very triggered by a couple of things. 1. Her asking for material stuff. 2. It being ‘all about her and you disappearing’. These trigger you to the point of feeling hate towards your child and becoming abusive. Which is a disastrous road to go down. You obviously need to resteer from that very quickly.

You need to work out why these things trigger you, and deal with these emotions rather than shoving them onto your child. I don’t know you, but a few possibilities. 1. With asking for stuff you mentioned not being able to afford this. If you had tons of money, this behaviour might be irritating and you would think of strategies to teach her not to be so demanding, but I don’t think you would have such a strong reaction. I suggest you feel guilty and distressed that you can’t actually say yes. It makes you feel hopeless and powerless. That comes out as anger towards your daughter for wanting things. You need to deal with and release the guilt, so it is less triggering. 2. on the ‘it’s all about her, there is none of me left’ I’m wondering if this resonates with an experience in your childhood. Did you feel like that then?

don’t get me wrong. I fully acknowledge that what you are dealing with is very, very hard. But your best chance of relieving some of the tension is taking responsibility for your triggers so you can diffuse them a bit. You may notice that different things are hard for your husband to deal with- he will have different triggers and you will both be able to deal with different things more effectively. You may even be able to cooperate to try to hand the things that trigger you to the other partner.

Hope this is helpful.

@Barnbrack Honestly realizing the asking isn't some indication he's selfish and grabby and I'm raising a spoilt brat really helped. He's allowed to ask, he's not allowed to always get.

Excellent take on this and very smart what you did with the tennis racket.

Looking more widely, I think you also need to see that this asking for stuff is an anxiety response (seeking reassurance and attempting to asset control) and look for ways to reduce anxiety elsewhere in her life. World book day probably is a source of anxiety, so it's not surprising she asks about it lots.

You say earlier that the only way she stops is if you shout at her that she isn't going to get the thing and needs to stop asking. Can you say that without shouting? What happens if you say calmly, "we aren't going to buy x and you can't ask me about it anymore because that conversation has ended"? Of course, that's really blunt but if she doesn't get social cues, she might need that bluntness. Or she gets 5 minutes a day to talk about stuff she wants to buy?

You also sound a bit resistant to trying anything new, which I get, you're exhausted and you're autistic. But, being equally blunt, nothing changes unless you do something different.

Not the "stuff" per se but repeatedly asking the same thing over and over yes. My DS16 is the same. When he hands me his phone over in the evening he will ask me 5 times if I have hidden it somewhere secure. Every single time. If we have said we will order pizza/go somewhere this week-end he will ask all week "Are we ordering pizza Saturday?". And this is about everything. Exhausting and sometimes we lose it because we are just human beings and it's every single bloody day. Will also lie in bed yelling until I come (which I have to because we have got neighbours to consider).

Now we don't tell him anything planned ahead because 1. He will keep asking about it. And 2. If it doesn't happen he will have a meltdown.

I know that he needs constant reassurance so that even if he knows something* *he needs to ask over and over to feel reassured. Doesn't mean it isn't bloody annoying and that I have to deep breathe in order not to lose it with him 😅

Where his different from your dd: he's extremely cautious about others spending money on him so if he wants something he will ask several times if we can afford it and he's very greatful and says thank you a million times. If I say we can't afford it he says OK immediately because he knows that's a red line and that won't change with him asking.

Maybe you could sit down with your dd and explain incomings and outgoings with her so that she understands that your funds aren't illimited? We have also been careful as to not "spoil" our kids. Not everything they want is given (even if we financially could) and they have to learn to either save pocket money/ask for bdays or christmas if they want something they don't "need". That doesn't mean we never treat them- it's just that we don't want entitled, spoilt kids.

I’m autistic too, diagnosed a couple of years ago, plus dignaosed with ADHD early last year. I’ve been on meds since and it has changed my life not because I can now keep my house tidy or get tasks done at work easier. But because I can now deal with DD’s behaviour much calmer and rationally. I went through Right to choose for both my diagnosis so no cost.

There is very little external support for kids like ours. I’ve had to get therapy for myself, have worked a lot on my own issues and triggers, realising when I’m getting to the point of exploding and telling DD either she needs to leave me alone or I need to walk away and calm down.

I wear loop earplugs all the time when I’m at home with the kids so the noise doesn’t overstimulate me.

I’ve found that since regulating myself, DD is so much better too. Because we don’t just clash all the time and we’re finally having time together that’s nice and easy.

If you want to PM me I’m happy to talk. Sometimes just knowing that you’re not the only one going through this is helpful.

You know how you’re handling it is wrong, that’s why you’re posting here.

Be compassionate with yourself. You were in a deep sleep and you were woken up in a very rough and frightening way. Your body will go into fight or flight mode and you will react to the adrenaline surge. Your daughter unfortunately took 'the hit ' for that.
Apologise this morning for how you reacted but explain that being woken from a deep sleep, particularly when you are very tired causes your body to react.
I don't know where to suggest getting some support, but it sounds like you desperately need it.

I'd stop buying her anything at all until she changes her ways.

I was going to ask if you were also autistic. Do you have support for your autism? Could you get a diagnosis if you don't have one and maybe do some (over the phone if necessary) counselling?

My dh has ASD and so does at least one of our dcs. He has never dragged any of them out of bed but he does sometimes react in a way I never would and which looks like a massive overreaction, but it is because he is overstimulated. The difference is he has support from me and I don't know how supportive your dh sounds. I appreciate it's difficult for both of you though.

Obviously you know what you did is completely inappropriate. You cannot do that - I am being clear here as this is how I occasionally need to communicate with my dh. I hope it doesn't come across as harsh.

I think you are likely in a state of ‘blocked care’ and I got ChatGpt to do a summary of this;

When you’re parenting an autistic child with very challenging behaviour, your body and brain can go into “survival mode” from the constant stress. Over time, this can make you feel emotionally shut down, numb, irritable, or less patient than you want to be.

It doesn’t mean you don’t love your child.
It means you’ve been under so much pressure for so long that your caring system is exhausted.

Blocked care is a stress response, not a character flaw. And with the right support, it can ease.