I’ve just completely lost it with my daughter

I will apologise to her in the morning.

she also needs to realise shouting at 11pm from her bed is not acceptable.

If my husband dragged me out of bed and screamed in my face then that would be abusive and my relationship would be over immediately.
There would be multiple posters telling me that I should ring the police.

You are not seeming to understand how bad your actions were.
You say you will apologise to her but then immediately put the blame back on her and say she needs to stop shouting from her bed - that is irrelevant compared to your behaviour.

As a child, her behaviour is her parents responsibility.
You both need to teach her how to behave, which is an ongoing thing that all parents need to do and do things to reward/sanction her - not by being abusive.

I assumed you were a single parent but knowing that you share responsibility with her dad shows that you’re even more U.

As a single parent with an autistic child, I literally had no one else to share it with and I still didn’t get physical.

She does not sound like a difficult child at all.

Obviously you need to work on teaching her better behaviour but you and DH really need to ensure you both get time out of the house to do your own things and have that break.

If you and DH can work on your own resilience and anger issues, then you’ll be able to do with her much better.

Earning points or tokens visually might be helpful for her. Each £ is 1 point of token and she can earn 1 each day for doing XYZ until she reaches her goal.
Or only ever being able to use her pocket money (if you can, give her a little more to facilitate this) but this needs to be earned.

My autistic son went from never asking for stuff, even as a small child, to asking for everything. I set up a rooster card and now if he ever asks I just hand him the card. He usually says no and doesn't buy it. Initially he spent his money every week now he doesn't bother and has £150 saved.

It does sound like you are burned out, exhausted and it just tipped you over. I hope you feel better today

Could it be ADHD along with her ASD? Sounds xtremely impulsive, demanding and focused on that thing until it's in hand, then moving to the next thing.

Firm, loving, neutral language and give an amount of time to discuss it. Writing it in a shared notebook or to do list/calendar when/how it will happen might allow her to let it out of her mind and stop repeatedly demanding it. Keep saying that's in the diary, it will happen on X day. I'm not discussing it again. You can check the diary/list.

No one is at their best when woken and you snapped. Try to get some you time away from her and the same for your partner. Divide and conquer, this phase will pass.

When you are all calm, you and your husband need to sit down with and agree some ground rules.
She has possibly learnt to nag until you give in and knows that it gets results.
Give her an allowance and once it's spent, it's spent. Tell her there is no more money. Do not give in to tantrums or try to appease every whim. She will never be satisfied.

DD12 is a bit like this. She’s got ADHD. I did find that when I bought her a Primark voucher for Xmas she was much choosier about what she bought. She does think I’m the bank of Mum. I get your frustration. I don’t think a bit of anger every now and again is a bad thing. She’s going to encounter it with other people as she gets older, better for her to learn about boundaries from you. I just keep at it, stay firm, and explain why the behaviour causes my irritation. She gets it, then forgets, but getting better as she gets older and she becomes more self aware.

It’s dopamine addiction. Similar to sensory-seeking behaviour, and you’re right that she can’t help it, but that doesn’t make it any less wearing for you to deal with. You need to find strategies for yourself to withdraw and calm down when she does it, because you absolutely cannot physically dominate her again. You know that’s abusive and crossed a line. I advise also doing some reading about dopamine addiction in ND people - with my youngest we have had some success in redirecting him to other things that help scratch the itch (chime balls, dumbbells, a punchbag and certain games in his case, but different courses for different horses!)

You are not alone OP. So much of what you and others have said mirrors my own experience. Try to forgive yourself for losing it. I know I lost it on a couple of occasions with my DD when she was displaying exactly these behaviours. No one should judge who hasn’t experienced the extreme stress of it.

I do wonder if ASD & ADHD conditions are being exacerbated by social media and screen time generally. The harm to children generally is only just beginning to be recognised and their brains may be particularly vulnerable.

OP I think unless people have an autistic child themselves they have no idea how mentally and physically exhausting it is parenting them. They also dont realise most people with autistic kids dont have a village or even another person to help because nobody wants to help when the child is difficult.

First of all stop beating yourself up. You lost it because your human and she pushed you beyond what you are capable of dealing with. Secondly your behaviour was unacceptable so apologise to dd but make it clear her behaviour is unacceptable and you are exhausted and cannot cope with it anymore. She is 11 not 1 and she needs to start her learning behaviour has consequences and reactions. Tell her clearly enough is enough and the next time she does it you will ensure she doesn't get what she wants. Although part of this behaviour will be her autism part of it is learned so that needs to change.

Some people use card system for autistic kids around their special interests. I think it's too mean to use for special interests but potentially could work here?

You basically give them a number of cards at the beginning of the day (3 can work well). Then every time she asks you for something like this, you listen and engage with her but you take a card. Once she's out of cards she's not able to talk about it until the next day's 3 cards / you refuse to engage.

I agree you're only human and it can be extremely difficult (and de-humanising) to be on the receiving end of this.

In terms of support if you haven't already then contact your local NHS autism assessment service, tell them your daughter has a private diagnosis and ask to access their post diagnostic support offer. What this will be (and how helpful) varies hugely from area to area but there will be something. You can also join a local parent carer group to find out what is going on with charities and third sector organisations.

My autistic son is like this. Does she have ‘collections?’ I think that it’s a kind of hoarding thing, my son is mad on Lego and will row all the figures up in lines on the base plates. He has settled down with the buying stuff, however can’t cope with the anticipation of waiting for something to arrive when it’s been ordered and badgers us over when it will turn up. The constant need to acquire is definitely an autistic almost obsessive compulsive trait.

Sympathies OP.
Some good advice on this thread. I think reframing it as dopamine/sensory seeking is helpful.
Plus effective redirection.
I've not had this with my DD (she's quite opposite to this with stuff and hates spending money) but as a child could be incredibly persistent about wanting to involve me with her current hyperfocus. Sometimes I could do this but occasionally she was fixated on something that drove me a bit crazy. Such as Minecraft...
I would put on a firm boundary - I would give her 30 minutes of my undivided and engaged attention but after that we had to talk about something else.
She's older now and admits this tactic was absolutely infuriating for her and she would rage internally at the limit but it did help to teach her a little bit that other people have feelings as well.
DD also experiences OCD and fluctuating anxiety and has learned that seeking reassurance - whilst there's an immensely strong urge - only provides short term relief. She does seek support and reassurance, but can mostly recognise when that is slipping into an OCD like behaviour.
At 11 your DD has a lot to learn and understand about her ASD. She's also probably less emotionally mature than her peers. I reckon my DD has consistently lagged by a couple of years on this and only now in her late teens is at the same place in terms of maturity as her friends.
You have to help your DD navigate the world - challenging as a ND parent yourself, but equally you understand the challenges more than most people.

Tbh, I wouldn't worry about this. Autism or not, kids need to know that you are human and you can only be pushed so far. Was it ideal? No. Is it likely to do any lasting damage? Also no.

Would it help to sit her down and talk to her about budgets? Do you have a household budget? I have a basic spreadsheet, maybe to help her understand that money is not is finite and everyone has to budget. Then maybe help her create her own, so an amount per month for clothing and then an amount for treats etc. and when it's gone it's gone, and maybe she could write a list and work out how long it will take to save up for each item. Totally understand though sometimes they drive you to the edge, im at a similar point with my DS 11 with screen time at the moment!

I would suggest try decoupling the pocket money from completing a task if she isn’t getting the concept. But then saying anything above x, y and z (your criteria) she has to save up and buy herself with you getting the core things.

I haven't read the thread so I apooogise if this has been suggested already but have your tried Early Help in your area? They can be brilliant with support and putting strategies in place.

So you have assaulted your autistic child?

if your husband done this to you what would you do and how would you feel?

No. Bear in mind it’s possible to be both autistic and a brat.

I’m not surprised you lost your shit, i think
most people would be at the end of their
tether from what you’ve described.

I honestly think that you need to stop buying her anything at all for an extended period of time.

Sit her down, tell her that moving forward she will not get anything unless you, the adult, decides that she needs it. Put clear conditions and clear consequences in place e.g if you ask for X and I say no and you continue to ask your consequence will be X. If you damage XYZ then your consequence will be X for X amount of time. Break the want cycle and make her realise that constant nagging for stuff isn’t going to get her what she wants.

with the chores maybe give a very clear checklist I.e if her job is to tidy her room, break that down (or chat gpt will do it for you) into very clear small steps like - put your books on the bookshelf, hang your clothes up in the wardrobe on hangars etc so she knows exactly what a tidy room should look like. Also add a photo for a visual reference. Then when she demands the money you can go through the checklist and point out well you haven’t done this step so no I won’t pay you yet.

Autistic children need very clear routines and boundaries, they need to know exactly what is going to happen, so put those clear expectations into place and do not give in. It’ll be really hard at first but if you stick with it eventually it’ll sink in.

I have had this with my DD who I believe to be ND (not diagnosed). I really sympathise as it feels like bullying from the child. Whatever you do, whatever you spend isn't enough and I definitely lost it at times. It was at its worst at 11/12. We gave her an allowance at 13 to include everything except a twice a year trip for clothes. Everything else had to come out of (fairly generous) allowance. Overall it's worked very well. Now she's a bit older she is pretty savvy with money and needs it anyway for going out with friends etc. Havent had the demands for a long time. I think it's also broken the dopamine hit she used to get when we would crack and buy whatever it was for her. It definiteky used to be worse when she was tired and anxious - a way to regulate her mood.

My child is like this about computer games, always wanting new ones. I've had some luck explaining that I can't afford them all at full price so we need to put them on a list and wait for a Steam sale date, and that also I expect to see the previous purchases being used before entertaining buying anything new. I've also explained that it's wasteful buying everything straight away as we can potentially get twice as many games or get them for half the price if we wait for the sale, and using a wishlist that I can point to for reassurance to say I haven't forgotten about the desired games.

I also tell my child they won't get what they want at all if they ask in disrespectful ways like shouting, and otherwise point them to the list.

If they are extremely and unusually insistent about wanting something quickly, I then ask them if they want to spend their own money, or wait, and I point out again that on sale the game has previously cost X amount less so I will not be contributing more than that.

Delaying, logic and a list to refer to seems to generally be a good set of tactics for us to reduce the nagging.

Good luck, I know how relentless and distressing it can be to cope with!

Forgot to say he is the same and cannot be on his own at all. As soon as he wakes up he is wants me up at same time and literally dragging me out of bed. Week days are ok as we are up for school but weekends are hard as I want to sleep and he is waking me up by 7.30am. He also can't go to bed on his own and I end up having to wait until til he is ready as he won't go until 10.20pm at the earliest and I usually ready by 9pm! He has strong anxiety and attachment issues and its hard very hard. I struggle but have to cope

Hi OP, not read all comments but just wanted to say my son is 16 and is exactly the same and had been since similar age to your daughter. He is diagnosed with autism.
He goes through phases of interests and demands and wants something there and then. He has birthday and Christmas money but doesn't like spending it or if he does he only wants to spend a round figure ending in a 0 or 5 as can't cope with his balance being like £122 foe example!
I only Friday bought him couple items and then I accidentally used his card for £2 in the shop and he is constantly going on I owe him etc.
No advice and afraid it gets harder as they get older. You just have to keep going xx

No advise but this is also my autistic daughter. She is exactly the same, your post is describing her to a tee! I feel you!

This is something else other than autism.