I’ve just completely lost it with my daughter

And so what if it does remain a memory for her 🤷‍♀️
ASD or not (I have immediate family with autism) she overstepped the mark and needs firm boundaries in place. I'm not saying you are allowing it by any means, but so many people use it as an excuse for poor behaviour. She had to learn to integrate into society such as friendship groups, school, clubs, work etc and they will not tolerate that kind of behaviour. It is your job as a parent to help her and the occasional bollocking will not do her any harm!
You're only human, give yourself a break

My 7yo does this when they’re feeling anxious. It’s like they just fixate on one thing thinking it will solve their problems.

I take it as that they’re seeking reassurance that something will happen so now, whenever I say we’re doing something, etc, I make sure I do it.

I do just tell them to add it to their birthday/Christmas list too which works if they’re not super anxious but has lead to them just focussing on how many days until their birthday.

It is really hard…mine is in therapy for anxiety which really helped.

CAn you make things more visual for her? Have a sheet of paper on the fridge and list money she has earned and a section for her to write things down that she would like. Explain that if she wants something she must write it on the list and then pick a day when you will sit down with her and discuss those things. You look at how much money she has, why she wants/needs it and then sit with her while you order stuff and then clearly write the date of arrival on a calendar. Once that has been done if she asks about stuff you simply refer her to her visual reminders and don't get into any discussion. I imagine it won't be an instant success, but will eventually become a habit that might take away some of the endless pestering.

My house. My (other) daughter. My family.

pulling her out of bed and screaming at her.

shoving her outside.

honestly you really need help. She’s disabled. Would you drag her down the stairs if she couldn’t walk and scream at her to walk harder?

‘i wake up startled and go mad at her an drag her out of bed. Say some really horrible things to her. Scream at her. I’m so so sick of her just constantly not being satisfied until she’s getting something. It’s almost that she doesn’t care what it is as long as she’s getting something’

This is worrying op. I appreciate that being woken startled you and you are at the end of your tether. But this isn’t ok. She is a disabled child who has hyper fixated on something. And whilst she needs to know that waking you in the middle of the night is out of line, you need to work on how to set a boundary and meet the need appropriately. Screaming at her and dragging her out of bed is abusive. Imagine if she’d told you another adult had done this - you’d be livid.

Your nervous system is overloaded too, I get that. But you’re the adult, so you learn the coping strategies, you ask for help, and you get on with it.

This is good advice. My best friends dd has ADHD (and possibly, but undiagnosed Autism) and is an "asker".

It's always, "When are we doing X?" Then as soon as you start doing X, within 5 minutes it's "When are we doing Y?"
It's not so much "things" she's requesting, but when is the next event? When she was younger, she was especially difficult to go on holiday with, because she just couldn't settle to anything. She'd ask and ask and ask to go swimming, but within 5 minutes of being in the pool, it would turn to "when are we going for lunch? When are we going for lunch? When are we going for lunch?"

She's a teenager now, and has some strategies of her own, that have come with maturity, but between the ages of about 7 and 11, she was very difficult.

She was much the same at school. Constant questions. And in the end, an Ed. Psych. recommended she have a notebook on her table, so that when a question occurred to her, that wasn't relevant to the lesson, she could write it down, and ask her teacher at break or lunch if it still mattered. That helped MASSIVELY. They started doing a timetable of the day at home, and that helped as well.

But basically, she grew out of it with time and maturity.

This. She's a child. I think that some people are forgetting that. Let's not normalise what's going on here. Read the posts. Had enough of her. Sick of her. Going to write her a letter telling her she's not getting her football boots

She didn't choose to be autistic and as I said in previous posts if the Op is completely at the end of her tether she needs to ask for support - her GP might be a good place to start - before this escalates - because at the moment the OP seems to think that screaming and shouting and saying horrible things and shoving and dragging her daughter from her bed is normal - it's not normal.

It is abuse.

She sounds exhausting Op, and you seem exhausted.

People tend to criticise ChatGPT on mumsnet but if I were you, I would use it to try train and disciplin her. I would explain the daily behaviour day by day and how you should firmly react to her countless demands. That may mean you have several sleepless nights for a while as she reacts.
Sometimes Chat Gpt is a fantastic support when there is noone else to help and guide. Its my go-to with difficult dynamics that others dont understand.

You’re so setting her against the rest of the family and she will sense that. You really need help to break out of this.

Have you discussed the possibility of trying medication with a specialist? I know 10 is young, but maybe even just knowing there are options to try in a few years time could be helpful for you? Also I agree with previous posters who suggested behavioural therapy for dd. I don’t think you can go on like this as a family for very long. Your daughter deserves help and you all deserve a happy and calm home.

TBH whether she’s ND or not, she has to learn that she can’t have everything she wants, when she wants it! Non ND children can and do behave like this too - I’d recommend a terse ‘I can’t afford it, so stop asking!’ And repeat ad lib if necessary.

Could you get a white board and put it high up out of reach? Something she can't destroy when angry, can't lose but can easily see?

You need to look at the bigger picture: she may or may not feel bad until she gets used to it (she may also come to love it), but you'd be able to parent her with much more understanding, tolerance and patience, having had a break.

You and your husband need to put your own oxygen masks on first, to be able to best help your children.

You physically and verbally abused your 11 year old daughter because she was displaying symptoms of her disability? And her Dad didn't step in to protect her?

The pair of you should be ashamed of yourselves.

Please contact social services. Your DD deserves to live in a home free from this kind of abuse.

Ah come on, OP knows it was bad. Have you ever had someone go on and on and on at you. And felt sick because you’re so bloody tired. I have and at times I’ve snapped too. It’s bloody relentless sometimes.

Can you plan in regular mental health days for you and your husband? Maybe every month/3 months/6 months, either together or separately?

Just a day where you use annual leave (or a sick day if things are really bad), to rest and recuperate, or to have fun together. Either that, or really prioritise buying in some practical help for your daughter, maybe by paying off current debts more slowly.

It would give you a break and knowing that you'll have a peaceful day off/a break in x days or weeks time might help you to cope when life with your daughter becomes really difficult.

I really feel for you, my dd is in a similar situation, but DH and I are able to help out and give them breaks (we both have long careers in working with very challenging SEN and ND children, so it's relatively 'easy' for us).

Hi OP, this sounds really hard. I have been in a similar predicament when DC was younger and I was struggling with being physically hurt all the time. I found a great audio book called 'calm parents, happy kids' which is all about how to manage and regulate your own emotions in heated moments.

With your DCs obsessions with stuff, all these objects have meaning to her. It sounds like football is a huge new obsession, and so she wants all the things that go with it. I am with PP who suggested a board. Write up the thing 'football boots', the criteris for getting them 'when you've done 6 training sessions' and the logic 'because that shows you are committed to the sport'

You can do this with other things too. Like the world book day costume, 'will be delivered on Wednesday' etc.

Then she has all the information she needs when she starys to panic that something is missing, and when she asks you can broken record 'check the board'

Edit to add: you can also put things on there you wont buy and the reasons i.e.
Silk scarf from Paris, too expensive, would need to be a main Chistmas or Birthday present

You need to disengage from this completely.

It is anxiety driven.

The best results I have had (same social and school situation as you, older kids) have been where I have disengaged entirely from what was causing the stress, and made it completely black and white - such as not buying anything ad hoc any more.

Mistakes I have made included giving a (large amount of) money for shopping, thinking this would be excellent as no need to think about whether she had enough to buy what she saw and liked etc - it was HORRENDOUS. This was where I realised it was all anxiety based and we from that point on had a blanket rule of she wouldn’t be given spending money again. My other child, if he had money from birthdays/Christmas etc literally could not rest until it was all spent (and therefore mostly wasted). It’s so hard to work out how to handle it, but in my experience there needs to be no grey scale.

I won’t discuss with you buying things, ever. If something is needed, we will go on X day and get it and I won’t talk to you about it before then. And then mean it, stick to it, expect initial explosions and pushback but in my experience it settled down far more quickly than expected - and both of my kids communicated afterwards that this approach is helpful as it stopped the overthinking about it.

Oh OP, you have my absolute sympathy.
Forgive yourself for last night.
It sounds like she would break a saint.
Unfortunately on MN you will read about children who are allowed to dominate the house growing up and it only gets worse and worse.
I think you need to keep saying No to her on a loop.
Have you considered asking for some fostering respite via SS?
It may read as dramatic but you sound absolutely worn out and maybe a break might give you all the reset you need.
Sending you strength.

I suspect this could be a fall out from that. Are the school supportive? Would they work with you to try and make accommodations for her so that she doesn't have to mask so much? Relieving the pressure there would hopefully make things easier at home over time as she will not be so exhausted.

You mentioned that she is privately educated, would you be able to afford to get her some professional help privately?

Christ Almighty, its not a boadroom negotiation over budgets. Be the parent, put strong boundaries with consequences in place and don't entertain poor behavior due to an autism label.

I think you could use some therapy and some respite