I’ve just completely lost it with my daughter

Aside from everything else (YANBU), can you buy some second hand boots on eBay or Vinted? Might save you a few quid.

I get it OP, I really do. Others will probably disagree, but at this point you need to prioritize yourself and think about what would work for you and how do you keep yourself going, rather than focusing solely on your daughter. Which may mean you get a break from her and she needs to wait for shoes. Or get a second hand ones. Or have a month without buying more stuff altogether.

She's autistic so likely struggling to see things from your perspective and empathise, but it does not mean having to say yes to all her demands. She will have to find out eventually others have their limits.

I understand this. You need to set boundaries, certain times of the day where questions are okay, distraction is key too.
Using no darling I’m not buying football boots but we can go to the park/art/movie tomorrow.
Reading choice theory helps too.

My ASD dd is the same. She’s added in far flung exotic paces to her regular list of requests. It’s constant. And as soon as she has whatever the thing is she’s onto the next thing. Exhausting

When you say “we” who are you referring to?

And was it before or after her autism diagnosis?

The problem with autism and ADHD is that often they pull in opposite directions so one can end up masking the other.

It’s particularly a problem for girls who have the inattentive or mixed type because the questions are based on typical male presentation, especially those with the hyperactive type.

Both my DC are autistic. DD was supposedly screened for ADHD too and I can remember the forms asking questions like “does your child get out of their chair when they’re supposed to be sat down?” Ridiculous. My DD is a strict obeyer of the rules and would dream of standing - but she was away with the fairies and not paying attention!

If your child is AuDHD it can be hard to tease out what’s going on, especially if one condition is particularly dominant.

Have you researched what ADHD looks like in girls and how AuDHD can present? It shouldn’t have to be the case but very often the parents need to go to the professionals with their evidence, you can’t rely on them picking things up.

It’s so important that you get a handle on things now - for the sake of everyone in your household.

Yes.

@imsoverytired82
Capa First Response
Aspens
National Autistic Society
Banardos
School Nurses
The Explosive Child (book)
Local disability charities/ peer groups/ respite/ support groups

What are you accessing currently?

I think she sounds absolutely at the end of her rope, I honestly don't see what's to be gained in making her feel worse. A bit of support so that she copes better would help both her and her daughter.

Again, no excuse for abusing a child. Why is OP allowed to be violent because of autism but her DD is not?

I think OP needs a wake up call, not tea and sympathy. Or perhaps both but she simply cannot brush this under the carpet. She's crossed a line. In fact it sounds like she crossed the line a long time ago.

Op doesn't talk about any strategies or support groups. If she came here looking for that I would applaud her.

I have a 7 year old with autism/PDA profile/ADHD.

He self harms, threatens suicide, hurts us, screams, has frequent meltdowns, constantly demands attention, and does often wake us. He’s an anxious child suffering with neurological overwhelm so we, as the adults, do our best to help him navigate this. I am also autistic with ADHD, DH is likely undiagnosed neurodivergent.

I DO NOT condone abusing a child in ANY circumstances. Having similar challenges to your child should make you more empathetic, not make it ok to abuse them.

Bear in mind the OP is also autistic, and I think she dragged the daughter of of her bed where she'd been woken up, not out of the daughter's bed.

Not saying it's ideal what happened, but OP sounds desperate here, I'm not sure what berating her is going to achieve.

The boundary needs to be - that some stuff she can save up for herself.
can I x? - you may save up for it and buy it yourself if you really want it.

The OPs daughter is more vulnerable due to being autistic. I'm sure there are parents who think it's ok that a parent does hit or man handle a child but this child is vulnerable - look at the previous posts - the OP talks like she can't stand her.

It is not OK to drag a child out of bed. It is not OK to scream at them. It's not OK to shove them outside - and it's not OK to blame what happened on work stress either.

And the OP says it's not the first time. So if it happens another time I hope they are prepared that the child might tell friends or a teacher what's gone on at home

Go look at the first post. There wasn't a hint of I'm sorry I did that - it was I'm sick of her.

Seems not by the looks of it.

That is no excuse for abusing your child. OP could have walked out of the house, there was another adult there. Instead she dragged her child out of bed. Dragged her! Screamed at her. Shouted in her face. Said terrible things. Throws her out of the house. Are people reading the same thing that I am.

If that spot the person comment who has no experience dealing with autistic children was aimed at me - wrong. It's wise not to assume. But that's mumsnet for you isn't it?

I worked with young people for decades - including young people who were ND, people who had addictions and serious mental health issues.

Spot the person who has no experience dealing with autistic children...

Don't judge unless you've walked in the same shoes, and then you would be able to show empathy with the OP.

Dealing with autistic children can be exasperating even for the most patient person.

You had a big meltdown. It's horrible. You weren't in full control. That's the whole thing about a meltdown. You became overloaded and malfunctioned!

That doesn't make it all fine, but actually I think you have been dealing with a really challenging thing. It's triggered a lot of feelings of being used and exploited and disrespected and now not even allowed to rest or sleep.

In my house we are all neurodivergent and it's a lot. I have had many parenting moments I am not proud of and have had to forgive myself for. Especially from when I was undiagnosed and didn't have the tools or understanding of triggers.

I think that your daughter needs some help to learn how to enjoy free activities. New things is such a dopamine hit and it sounds like she's looking for that feeling, but it's not satisfying for long enough. She's not mature enough to understand that asking for things from you all the time , her provider, is actually making you feel shit.
She just 'needs' the thing and you're the only way of getting it.
She needs to practice delayed gratification and find at least one activity that doesn't need a spending spree.
Activities that still mean she gets something to bring home might be nice. Shell or fossil collecting, or visit to the library.
Def put boundaries on how much into an activity she would need to be or how many sessions, before getting any equipment for it, or a limit on costs.

It sounds incredibly hard. I have a relative with autism (though no experience of raising a child with autism - that must be even harder) and I know how difficult and lonely it can feel when it appears that they simply do not care about you or your feelings, as long as everything works out in the way that feels best for them. (I know many people with autism are not like this at all, but it's my experience, and OP's daughter sounds similar).

However, whilst I think the shouting is probably forgivable as long as it doesn't happen often, laying hands on her to physically drag her can never happen again (unless she is about to hurt herself or others).

Can you speak to your partner about how best to support each other when either of you is feeling at the end of the line with her?

Are there any other family members who could give you a break - a grandparent or aunt or uncle who could have her over night for example when you feel really overwhelmed?

Believe me, you really have my sympathy. I don't know how you find the strength to keep going in the situation you describe.....

Surely time to start saying no and for her to realise (autistic or not) that we can’t always have everything we want in life.

It sounds awful, OP, and I am truly sympathetic, but I have to ask: when she nags on and on and on, do you eventually give in to get some peace? If so, she has learned that she will get what she wants if she nags for long enough. If she has the capacity to understand that she can’t afford things from her pocket money, she has the capacity to understand that you sometimes can’t afford things - and that people cannot have everything they want even if it’s not a question of money.

You need a reset. If she asks and you say no, that has to be the end of it. Ignore any nagging or remove yourself from the room.

Don't be too hard on yourself. She needs to learn that other people have feelings and boundaries.

I think this is very good advice. Also if her empathy levels are that low the odd boll*cking probably does her good. Don't be too hard on yourself you're only human

I know you feel bad for what happened. But apology without change is just paying lip service to something you think you should do.

I can’t stress strongly enough how much sorting your own issues out will help.

I do also think that if this had been the op’s husband who had dragged the daughter from her bed and screamed in her face everyone on here would be telling the op to LTB.

@imsoverytired82 do you claim DLA for her? It's based on need rather than diagnosis so you may not qualify, but that money could go towards private therapy.

My daughter is older but I totally hear you on the lack of support. There's so much need that the thresholds are high - unless your child is at crisis point, no-one wants to know and even then they only help until the crisis has passed, so short term.

Yes it can be partially age. I would imagine autism can exacerbate elements of it. The incessant requests for 'stuff' is exactly why we teach children about money, pocket money, budgeting etc. So it can be age and is probably a combination in your case.

You sound exhausted and I hope you and your husband can find a way through to take the load off each other.

And it's not the first time the OP has done this to the kid. The dad's response was to tell the child off! After she had been dragged out of her bed and screamed at.