Upset DD won’t celebrate my special birthday

Get used to it - I don't think I have spent Mother's Day with my mum since I left home at 17! I am always around for her big birthdays though.

At the time she was suggesting birthday plans, she had a summer job in your town and a boyfriend in your town. Now she has a job in uni town (that might be available in the summer) and a boyfriend in uni town. Things are different. I am sure she will see you over the summer for a celebration, either in your town or uni town, but it’s not unreasonable not to want to commit when she doesn’t know her summer plans yet.

Not remotely a big deal. Many people don’t spend Mother’s Day with their mothers due to distance.

Spending time with loved ones on birthdays, especially big birthdays is a very normal part of our culture. Talking for years about what you’re going to do for that birthday and then changing your mind when it comes around is rude, disrespectful and inconsiderate behaviour. That’s not narcissistic.

Why is that an issue or even relevant?

Honestly, you really need to build a life for yourself outside of your DD. Your posts are making me feel claustrophobic and I don't even know you!

Very gently, OP, I don't think you are fully hearing the posters on this thread that have been in your DD's position.

Your DD's feelings may be much deeper and more complicated than you realise. It just isn't as simple as "Surely she can commit to one weekend over a two month period".

She may be feeling overwhelmed with the dawning realisation that she is your entire emotional life. That is she doesn't spend time with you, then you won't be spending time with anyone. You seem to think that this should make her more willing to commit to you - the reality is, it will make her feel suffocated and more likely to pull away.

She is 21, she is learning to live her life, she is a young adult, not her mothers emotional crutch!

I think that’s fair enough?

Having been in the position of your DD, this is exactly what I would recommend. Find a way to celebrate this milestone that doesn't involve her OR friends.

Between a full time job and raising your daughter, I can understand how you've found yourself in the position you're in. But it is absolutely critical that you act now.

If your DD feels worry, guilt and obligation, those feelings are unfortunately going to crowd out the enjoyment that I'm sure she also feels in spending time with you. In contrast, if your DD sees you taking charge of your life and investing in yourself, she will be able to relax and won't feel the same need to pull away.

Treat yourself to travelling to see her.

I would be suggesting something within 2 months of the date not the weekend before or after. That’s very rigid. I was at uni 3 hours from home and don’t remember anyone being obliged to return home particular weekends for a parent’s birthday.

Why do you worry she’s about to resign from the home job if she has a uni job? You are desperately trying to pull her back home and it’s not the time to do that. Be happy for her independence and keep telling yourself that she could one day announce she’s moving to Australia or somewhere equally far flung (as millions before her have) and you’ll have to be happy with that choice too.

I understand your daughters reluctance to commit to a specific date now.

She has a full summer free and will want to plan her time when it comes closer - increasing her hours at uni city job, going somewhere with friends, going somewhere with her boyfriend.

Committing to a specific day so far in advance just feels hard - and unnecessary. Yes, she will do something with you around your August birthday, but surely it doesn't need to be set in stone in February.

OP just take control and book in on a group holiday to somewhere you’ve always wanted to go (assuming you don’t want to go away by yourself). I was similar in the run up to my 50th, it feels quite painful if you can’t get a big celebration, as it feels a bit like a judgment on your whole life. I do have friends but most of them are far flung and I didn’t feel that confident with the local-ish ones and was picturing some nightmare scenario where only a couple of acquaintance turned up and would be thinking ‘wtf is there no-one closer to her’. I don’t have DC and parents live far away. In the end I booked on a holiday to a great destination with just one friend, but would have done a group holiday with Explore or other group thing if I’d found no-one else to go away with. I really didn’t want to be sitting home alone on the day.

For the relationship with your daughter, you do need to be less intense and develop your social life. My DM saw me as her ‘friend’ and that she didn’t need anyone else. In my urge to pull away from her and be less suffocated I got into bad relationships. It’s not an emotionally healthy situation for either of you.

I don't believe in the nonsense of big or milestone birthdays which are made up to pressurise people into spending more.

I get an impression that your DD wants her current relationship to last, to work so to speak, and this is more important to her than any social event. More than just age and being an independent adult. Hopefully it does and you should be supportive of that.

Your DD is away at uni and building her own life and I’m sure she will see you at some point it just doesn’t have to be the exact day. Why can’t you invite a friend for dinner or something. From now to your birthday in 5 months surely someone will be free? I think it’s important you reach out to friends or make some because if your DD is your only person you will end up very lonely

Well, as harsh as it sounds, you made your bed and now you have to lie in it.

If you spend decades prioritising work and your DD to the exclusion of all else, what do you expect? You've not bothered to make friends or focus on your own life and now your DD is grown, you have nothing.

It's not your DD's job to keep coming back home to make sure you're not lonely or by yourself. You need to make your own friends and create a life for yourself that doesn't revolve around her.

I was my mother's only friend and like @mybestchildismycat I was also parentified and pulled away from my mother around this age. It was to protect myself from the immense emotional drain of being responsible for my mother. It IS sad that you have nobody to share your birthday and that your daughter won't celebrate with you, I do understand the hurt. But it is so important to carve out your own life and friends because your DD may end up very resentful if not.

I don't think you're unreasonable. I think you need to build up your friendship network though because it sounds very hard

That's exactly how I read it too. The fact the daughters relationships seem to be all or nothing at the exclusion of everyone and everything else also suggests that to her this is very normal behaviour she has seen modelled.

I don't read it like that.

I read it as though the OP has nobody else to celebrate with and has pressured her DD to be there constantly - the DD is now pushing back and spreading her wings and OP is upset about it.

It’s crap that she can’t just commit now to a day or two from her summer holidays to come and spend with you and celebrate your birthday.
It’s also crap that you’re relying solely on her though. She’s 21. If you did have friends to celebrate with, there’d probably be less pressure on your daughter.