Upset DD won’t celebrate my special birthday

As parents it's natural that we want to celebrate our children's birthdays. The day we are celebrating is very special and is important to all of us, parents and child.

Its nice if children want to celebrate a parent's birthday but it doesn't have the same meaning (to me, anyway). I don't expect a child to want to celebrate in the same way they would celebrate their own child's.

I've only read your updates, so probably repeating what others have said, but FWIW I don't think it's unreasonable at all to expect your DD to find a day to celebrate a milestone birthday in a 2 month period! In fact, I was doing a uni year abroad for my DM's and I cut my summer short to make sure I'd be there.

I also don't find it odd that you want to celebrate with family and don't have friends to do so. I celebrate birthdays with DH and kids, and sometimes DM and DB. I occasionally also have an outing with old uni friends, but that's never on the day. My other friends and I are not in the habit of doing birthday celebrations. So if I didn't have family, I wouldn't have anyone either.

I would have a frank chat with your DD that you'd really like to do something to celebrate with her, that you're happy to keep it low-key, travel to her, work around her schedule, and give her some time if she doesn't want to commit now. All things I think you've said, which frankly makes you sound more than reasonable!

Longer term, I would look at building up your social circle. Gives you a goal for the next decade 🙂

Other people's ideas of family aren't strange OP. You just live in some weird backwater and have decided that because you know a few families that live in each other's pockets, that that is a societal norm. It isn't. It's just how you want it to be. What a weight to put on your DD.

I don't disagree entirely, but I think you are idealising the idea of extended families. Yes, they can be joyful and offer a support network. But they can be restricting, judgemental, mask a lot of unhappiness and hold people back from fulfilling their own aspirations. Especially for women and girls imo.

Launching into the world doesn’t stop you being kind, thoughtful and sensitive.

@Lemonmeringue76you can have that relationship with your dd but you also need to let her have her own relationships and friendships and you need to do the same.

you can be close to your daughter and still have other meaningful friendships. But you have to make an effort to rekindle old ones and pick up new ones. Did you make any mum friends when your dd started school? They are likely to have children at the same stage of life as you.

A close family could be great but when there is just two of you it becomes overwhelming and all-consuming, especially when one of you have to find their independence and grow.

You mention extended family in your community, but not sure if you have parents/brothers/others around (I know you don’t have sisters).

You and DD are close. But ultimately, right now, she is 3h away and may continue to live far away even after uni. That doesn’t mean you won’t chat or visit, but it will be different from here on in (and probably would have been different a little earlier than this if it wasn’t for the hometown boyfriend)

She’s launching into the world. Be proud!

Same as you, with a different pov, obviously!

The vote will likely just be based off your OP, not your other comments.

It's never a good idea to idealise other people's families and relationships.

What thread are you reading?! 🤔

What?

DD seems hard, hurtful, unkind and selfish to me. She should be arranging something special for OP, who has made a fuss of her and given her lovely birthdays. I don’t like the way some are inferring that the OP is pathetic and relying on her daughter too much. To me, OP doesn’t come over like that at all.

This thread is so sad. People are repeatedly, consistently and clearly telling you what the issue is OP, and you're ignoring all their suggestions and remaining stubbornly focused on your own needs and perspective, not your daughter's.

Several posters, myself included, have shared their experiences of being the daughter in this situation, and how difficult it was, and how, ultimately, it strained the relationship with our parents.

I hope, for your daughter's sake, you're eventually able to think about this in a different way.

Having children doesn’t give you a life-long guarantee of companionship and support and a get-out-of-jail free card from having to make your own friends and have your own interests.

I had some sympathy at the beginning of the thread but your self-pity and blinkered attitude is pretty grating.

But that’s not what your daughter wants for her own life. She’s not juat an extension of you and your needs - maybe she would feel suffocated if she stayed in your local village and never moved away.

In terms of support systems, family is not the only option - you could build your iwn support system through friends, hobbies, local community etc. but you don’t seem to want to do that.

I think your DD’s behaviour is completely natural at her age. You need too not rely on her for social occasions and celebrations. Take the attitude that if she comes then fantastic, but if not that’s ok too and you can do something by yourself or with someone else. I have sons in their 20s, if I see them it’s a bonus. If not I still enjoy myself.

But your post isn’t about ‘society’ it’s about you, your situation (no other family, partner, close friends), your relationship with your DD and her situation.

It seems that your wishes about amount of time you spend together, how often she visits you, your birthday etc now vary from your DDs’.

Kids her age don't know what they're doing tomorrow let alone in the summer, but more than that, she's a young adult not your crutch. If she's not got big plans later in the summer, hopefully she will do something with you.

Many people I know have never left their home village or town and see their families weekly or even more. One friend has afternoon tea with four generations of her family every Sunday afternoon.

I feel so bad for your daughter.

You are relentless.

She is telling you very clearly that this won’t be happening, but you think it’s either her new boyfriend’s fault, or that she doesn’t know her summer plans yet.

The truth is, she doesn’t want to be your emotional support animal.

I’d be surprised if she returns “home” after university at all.

But you can't make your DD responsible for fixing your feelings around society, which is what you're doing. It's grossly unfair and all you're going to do is push her even further away from you.

You're really not listening to what people are telling you - presumably because it means you'd have to confront your own issues and you're not quite there yet.

The fact that you live rurally is totally irrelevant, btw.