Upset DD won’t celebrate my special birthday

She sounds like a normal young adult, a weekly, perhaps twice weekly phone call is all you should be expecting, occasional weekend visits perhaps once a term and the holidays if they don’t get a better offer (eg a job). At 21 independence is normal. Yes she can do something with you but you need to be flexible on date because there could be a clash actually on your birthday eg a big university function

So - for her - it’s a better situation to have a local partner.

Sounds like you were her emotional support and person.

But that was filling the gap. Her boyfriend is now that so the things she was ringing or texting to change with you she now shares with the him and she’s wanting to spend her time with him.

You’ve got time though your birthday is summer a lot of things could change. They could break up, they could be together and she wants to bring him around for a birthday dinner. She could come alone for a trip or invite you up there.

It’s all part of growing up and spreading wings.

Many kids with a “home” boyfriend/girlfriend will break up with them during uni owing to distance.

"I am upset her new boyfriend lives so far from us" the boyfriend lives in her town. He lives far from you, but so does she, and he isn't your boyfriend. I think it's strange that you are upset that she has a boyfriend who lives local to her.

Is this what you have asked of her? To spend all summer with you? Or have you asked, could we at some point during the summer do something fun to celebrate my birthday?

I can see why she wouldn't want to commit to spending the whole summer with you when she has her own place plus a boyfriend where she lives. I can also see that she wouldn't be able to commit to a specific date already now if she doesn't know how she will be working this summer. Can you not just leave it a bit open for a few more months and just play it by ear?

Your daughter is being harsh but she is at an age of selfishness plus with a new boyfriend so I would plan to do something else im sure she will feel bad eventually and make it up to you xx

I can see both sides of this, having been the only child of a single mother and having had difficult teen years where our relationship was often very fraught, but we were also each other's main source of support. DM was a nurse and shift work made it difficult for her to socialise with friends. Once I went to uni and got some distance from that very intense and often quite codependent and parentified dynamic, I used to really dislike going home and revisiting it, especially having to spend a concentrated period of 1-1 time with DM. She resented any time I took away from her while visiting to go see friends or anything like that. She resented any boyfriends I had and was very sneery about me "needing a man" having been single herself for a long time.

On the other hand, I can see how DM experienced that as hurtful, rejecting and abandoning. It wasn't necessarily the best strategy either, as the less time I spent with her, the more she craved it. My life changed massively, hers hadn't. She still worked shifts and often overtime, and the only difference for her was a hole where parenting used to be. My life had expanded and opened up while hers had got smaller. I wish I'd been more understanding, encouraged her to expand her life outside of our relationship and been supportive instead of pushing her away.

Not saying OP's situation is the same as mine, but I'm sharing as an example of the difficulties that can come up between only daughters raised by single mothers when daughters leave home and inevitably pull away. It's often hard for both in different ways.

That’s just really sad.

You sound nice

What a stupid post. Of course a parent”s birthday, particularly a milestone birthday is important at any age.

@Lemonmeringue76

“ I have no one else but her to celebrate with.”

Perhaps this 👆🏼👆🏼👆🏼 is something to work on, in the coming year?

Happy Birthday in advance. 💐.

But have you invited them to celebrate your birthday with you?

I have friends and have never had a birthday celebrated

It would be lovely and perfectly reasonable for her to make an effort for you.

However maybe being the only person in your life is too much pressure.

You say friends will be on holiday. Do you know? Have you asked? Could you book something for yourself - a spa day, a holiday etc so you're doing something. Invite her if she wishes to come but otherwise go alone? That way the pressure isn't "Mommy simply CAN'T celebrate without you, darling!"

Then don’t say something you don’t mean.

Are they 21 and at university?

Honestly? This is something which can happen.

If I were you, I'd pull right back, give her space and allow her to enjoy her new relationship.

It may or may not last, but atm it's exciting and she won't plan ahead because she's young and she wants to do everything with her new beau.

You remember what it was like, don't you?

Plan your birthday without factoring in your daughter

Give her time, don't be needy or bring issues to the table.

She'll grow up and calm down

Edit - it will also help to make friends of your own and create a happy life for yourself outside of your relationship with your daughter

50 is a big birthday and yanbu to expect to see her for some kind of celebration - you sound like you are being very flexible. Hopefully she will be happy to firm up plans nearer the time - it probably seems a way off in her eyes especially if she’s got decisions to make re the summer and work.

There are 2 issues here. Your DD's relational pattern is one thing. It's unsurprising that she has intense relationships. Can you see why? This is her issue to tackle when she's ready and if she wants to. The issue you can do something about is you. It sounds like you haven't invested at all in friendships and having a full life of your own and are completely dependent on your DD for any social life. You cannot blame her for this and it's natural that she's leaned on you when she's been struggling. She doesn't owe you anything for this. You have time to make plans for your birthday, either with others or by yourself. I really would encourage you to seek some therapy to understand yourself better and develop an independent sense of self. You're only 49. You still have a lot of living to do. Do you have some past trauma that you haven't dealt with? You don't have to explain here unless you want to. It's not healthy to be so dependent on your DD and to see her increasing separation as really unfair on you. I do think your concerns about your DD's relationship may be justified, but that's not the main issue here.

How on earth is 50 not a big birthday?! It’s one of the biggest there is! I would class 18/50 and 80 as the biggest birthdays. Judging by the actions of pretty much everyone I know this is a general view.