For feeling upset that my aunt involved my estranged parents after I asked for help?

Yes I really do. If it's safe enough for her to do so.

She may get sucked in again and any trauma bond or hopes of being treated with care could resurface. That's potentially going to undo the work she has done on being out of contact so long.

Do I give a shit about them or any more than the above. No.

OK, so you let your boundaries slip. It's ok, you can learn from this moving forward.

But I don't think it's reasonable to blame your aunt in any way. She was probably keen to involve your parents because she wasn't keen to take on the responsibility for financially supporting an adult niece. And given that you had in fact agreed to her talking to your mum, I really can't see what are did wrong - it was inevitably going to get back to your dad if your mum was being asked for financial help.

Just learn from this and move on.

But you were expecting your aunt to bail you out behind her sister's back.

If one of my nieces was in trouble financially and I didn't tell my brother about it, it would be a horrible betrayal of our relationship as siblings. Of course your aunt wanted to talk to your mum. It's inevitable that your dad would know by extension.

You made the errors in judgement by asking your aunt in the first place, then agreeing when she (very sensitively) asked your permission to speak to your mum.

So you did agree to it, and now you’re cross and accusing posters of not reading your OP properly when they did?

So are you saying that you agreed for your aunt to 'reach out' to your mother on your behalf?

Posters are asking you why though.

When your aunt suggested discussing it with your mother, why didn't you say no, I don't want her involved?

As usual, AIBU is not the place for this kind of post. You'd get a lot more understanding and compassion if you posted in Relationships.

On a practical note, if you're in between jobs with no income and no significant savings, you should be entitled to Universal Credit, so I advise you to claim. That should help tide you over without having to ask family. If you're still struggling, contact your local Citizens Advice - they obviously can't give you money but can help you apply for grants.

You haven't clarified whether your parents are together but I assume they are, and that's how your dad found out. Unfortunately if they are together, you just can't let any information be shared with your mum, because you can't prevent her from sharing it with your dad. Your aunt did ask you before discussing it with your mum so I don't think she is in the wrong. I understand how you feel but try not to hold it against her too much. Do you have a relationship with your aunt at all? Or not really since going NC with your parents?

That’s quite an unkind comment. OP said there were serious family issues and long-term estrangement. None of us know the history.

She asked her aunt for short-term help and the aunt escalated it beyond what OP agreed to. You can disagree with her decision without implying her estrangement is the problem.

Apologies I totally misread your post.

You keep telling people they haven’t read your post properly but your post doesn’t seem clear.

You asked for financial help from your aunt-she didn’t say yes, we presume?

Why did you agree to her talking to your mum? I presume you hoped your mum would give you money if your aunt hadn’t?

I think you’re getting some really horrid comments here OP. I think that your aunt should have said she can’t help and not really suggested speaking to your mum. Also agree that you may have estrange yourself from your aunt also. I hope your situation gets better.

I imagine it was last resort going to your aunt but lesson learned.

You keep telling people to read your post properly, but I think maybe YOU need to read your post properly! You clearly state that you agreed to your aunt telling your mum so they could help you together. That is you, indirectly, asking your mum/parents for help.

“She said she felt I shouldn’t handle this alone and suggested speaking to my mum so they could work together to help. I agreed she could speak to my mum about the rent situation”

If you didn’t want them to help, you would have said no to your aunt speaking to your mum.

So maybe read your own post back before giving snidey responses to everyone.

For balance, I would love to hear the parents side of the story.

So you think OP should speak to her family for long enough to take "a big handout" and then never speak to any of them again. Charming.

Did you specifically tell your aunt that you didn’t want her to tell your father, or did you just assume that she would guess? And are you sure it wasn’t your mother who told your father (as most married couples sharing finances would naturally do) and doesn’t want to admit it?

But in any case, if you are asking for financial help or at least willing to accept help from someone you’ve chosen to be estranged from, I don’t think you’re in a strong position to set conditions. I totally disagree with those encouraging you to estrange yourself from your aunt as well.

The family issues are nothing to do with OPs job. OP is in her 3Os so should be financially responsible.

This is really unsupportive and blind to the difficulty associated with trying to sustain independence from an abusive family. Part of the experience involves endless feelings of infantalisation, inabilities to thrive as an adult and this sort of act from OP is absolutely no surprise. Learnt and taught helplessness is part of the experience. Only people living in these dysfunctional families understand this.

OP- what I believe happens is you do little things over time that show you that most people associated with the family dynamic are flying monkeys, enablers of abuse even if they're naive and think they're doing the right thing. And you realise, sadly and with slot of grief usually, that you have to let that one go, then the next one. And so on.

Your aunt is part of the network and contact with her now will not be sacred or trustworthy in any way. It's upsetting to realise all this.

Personally, I would take a big handout from mum if she's offering and then remember you will forever be drawn into the abusive dynamic - as their scapegoat - if you continually contact with any of them again thereafter. That includes aunty.

If I could afford it - I'd support a neice where I could without telling the parents. Her allegiance will be to her sister. Her sister is still married to the man you had to go NC with. You can't trust her.

You sound demanding. Dont expect your aunt to take on your financial issues and your problems with your parents.

I’m afraid that I agree that independence from your parents means independence from your aunt too. I don’t mean that you should cut her off - I don’t believe in cutting people off, but stand on your own feet so you can keep your boundaries.

Apologies to the OP because I don't know the backstory between you and your father, but the 'no contact except for money' angle reminded me of this.

Your mistake was in agreeing that your aunt could talk to your mum. I'm NC with my mother and in your situation I'd have to make it really clear to my aunt that I didn't want people I don't have a relationship with involved - even if that meant that the aunt's reply was that she couldn't help with the rent then.

You can't have it both ways - wanting to have nothing to do with your parents and yet being willing to take money from them.

So you asked your aunt for money but she didn’t offer you any and said she would speak to your mum which you agreed to…is that right?

You agreed for your Aunt to speak to your Mum, but she instead spoke to both your parents together. I can understand why you're upset, because your Aunt didn't just tell your Mum, she told your Dad too. However, even if your Aunt had only spoken to your Mum, there was always a possibility, that your Mum told your Dad.

It may be your Aunt thought she was helping and by her telling both of your parents, it might help build bridges between you all.

Your Aunt has avoided the question of her lending you money, by passing the issue onto your parents. I think you have to assume, that your Aunt can't or doesn't want to help you financially. She's passed the buck, so to speak.