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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not pay for my friends lunch

55 replies

Auroraspyjamas · 28/02/2026 15:23

Friend lives about an hour and a half drive away. She came to visit and meet our new baby. We had agreed in advance we’d go out for lunch with our partners and the baby,

When it came to pay the bill we split it and paid separately but I wondered if perhaps I should have offered to pay for their food as they were visiting us and had done the drive, petrol etc.
What do you think? What’s the done thing in this situation?

I’m on mat leave and a bit cash poor at the moment, as background.

so was I rude? AIBU?

OP posts:
Silverbirchleaf · 28/02/2026 16:52

No that’s fine to split the bill.

PhotosOfTheDog · 28/02/2026 16:50

ThejoyofNC · 28/02/2026 15:38

Oh in that case I think them not bringing a gift is by far worse than you splitting the bill.

Same!

Ceramiq · 28/02/2026 16:31

Auroraspyjamas · 28/02/2026 15:23

Friend lives about an hour and a half drive away. She came to visit and meet our new baby. We had agreed in advance we’d go out for lunch with our partners and the baby,

When it came to pay the bill we split it and paid separately but I wondered if perhaps I should have offered to pay for their food as they were visiting us and had done the drive, petrol etc.
What do you think? What’s the done thing in this situation?

I’m on mat leave and a bit cash poor at the moment, as background.

so was I rude? AIBU?

I think that people who go to visit a new mother and baby are supposed to pay for lunch.

GranolaBaker · 28/02/2026 16:17

They didn’t bring you a gift for a new baby. No way should you have shouted them lunch, especially since lunch out was her suggestion.

(I would usually offer a meal to anyone travelling, but prob not with a new baby. Come to think of it when we had visitors with my brand new dc, the visitors always brought food with them for us to eat).

SnoreyCat · 28/02/2026 16:17

I would have offered to pay, especially as initially you invited them for lunch and they travelled a long way. However, I wouldn’t visit a new baby without a present so 🤷‍♀️

Don’t overthink it OP, congrats on the new baby.

BerryTwister · 28/02/2026 16:11

Thryu3 · 28/02/2026 15:29

I think its weird to go out for lunch instead of hosting and cooking when somebody has driven an hour and a half one way to visit you

@Thryu3 when I had a new baby, if anyone came to visit expecting me to provide lunch, they’d have been waiting about 12 hours!

goz · 28/02/2026 16:11

You were fine, it’s really not expected that to buy people lunch, even if you’re the one who suggested lunch. That’s just not how it typically works.

Plasticdreams · 28/02/2026 15:57

Auroraspyjamas · 28/02/2026 15:33

They didn’t bring a gift but I wasn’t offended by that

Show quote history

I would have paid if they had brought gifts but I think splitting under these circumstances was appropriate.

mellicauli · 28/02/2026 15:56

I always prefer splitting the bill. Offering to pay is awkward. I think it can come across a bit "Lady Bountiful". It creates obligations that I'd rather avoid. They are obliged to be grateful, and who wants that?

You have to have the ridiculous performance: I'll pay-no no no, let me - please let me, I really want to - oh that's really really kind of you. I'll have to pay next time

Splitting the bill is egalitarian and easy and fuss-free..Everyone is equal. No one owes anyone. No one is left calculating how much it's going to cost them if they want to go out next week again.

Advocodo · 28/02/2026 15:55

It’s expensive these days to always treat people for lunch. I think it was fine and they wouldn’t be expecting you to provide or pay for lunch.

rollerblind · 28/02/2026 15:54

Did the friend bring a gift?

madaboutpurple · 28/02/2026 15:54

I never assume friends will be paying so always have money and my debit card with me. I agree with others, it could well be the best option to go out for lunch. I love going to new places for a lunch time meal.

Sometimeswinning · 28/02/2026 15:51

Would I expect a couple who had just had a baby and their income gone down considerably to buy me lunch whilst visiting? No.

To be fair I wouldn’t expect a couple who had not just had a baby and no change to their income to buy me lunch whilst visiting either!

Ooodelally · 28/02/2026 15:48

I don’t drive so find myself in this situation more often than most I find! I always offer to cover lunch/dinner as the other person has incurred the petrol costs and I can’t return the favour by coming to them next time. I don’t think you’re out of order for not thinking of it though!

somanychristmaslights · 28/02/2026 15:40

We’d split the bill, I think you’re fine.

ThejoyofNC · 28/02/2026 15:38

Oh in that case I think them not bringing a gift is by far worse than you splitting the bill.

EilonwyWithRedGoldHair · 28/02/2026 15:37

Thryu3 · 28/02/2026 15:29

I think its weird to go out for lunch instead of hosting and cooking when somebody has driven an hour and a half one way to visit you

With a new baby? I think it's perfectly understandable why lunch out might be easier!

StripedTee · 28/02/2026 15:35

I think it's fine OP. Congratulations on your new baby.

Original poster
Auroraspyjamas · 28/02/2026 15:33

paloma7 · 28/02/2026 15:30

I probably would have paid as they had driven quite a way and probably brought you a gift? But it's ok, it doesn't really matter either way. I'm sure she doesn't care.

They didn’t bring a gift but I wasn’t offended by that

OP posts:
CreepyCoupe · 28/02/2026 15:32

We would’ve fed them at home as they’ve travelled to see you. I was breastfeeding non stop when mine were new, so I was happier at home.

We probably would’ve have paid for a lunch out.

WeepingAngelInTheTardis · 28/02/2026 15:32

No its fine, they obviously didn’t expect you too if they paid their share especially with you having a new baby. Lunch isn’t always a offer to pay it’s sometimes just enjoying each others company please don’t worry!

Original poster
Auroraspyjamas · 28/02/2026 15:32

ThejoyofNC · 28/02/2026 15:27

Did she ask to come and meet the baby or did you invite her? Who's idea was it to go out for lunch?

There was a general chat where she said she’d like to meet the baby, I said something like do you want to come over for lunch on x date and then there was a lot of back and forth about other stuff and then she said something like, shall we go out for lunch? I then thought to myself actually that was better as we’ve found hosting with the baby can be stressful and less time to actually all chat so I said yes and suggested a casual lunch spot.

OP posts:
paloma7 · 28/02/2026 15:30

I probably would have paid as they had driven quite a way and probably brought you a gift? But it's ok, it doesn't really matter either way. I'm sure she doesn't care.

Thryu3 · 28/02/2026 15:29

I think its weird to go out for lunch instead of hosting and cooking when somebody has driven an hour and a half one way to visit you

YiddlySquat · 28/02/2026 15:28

I always make the assumption everyone pays for their own food unless stated otherwise. In my book, me asking someone to lunch isn’t an offer to pay, but an opportunity for friends to spend time with one another.

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