Parent with neurodiverse husband is exhausting

Please don't blame your partners' shit parenting on his ND. It's incredibly offensive.

But this baby wasn't sleeping in their parent's arms?

It's not an adult bike, as far as I can tell. It's a balance bike that a not yet walking DC can still move around on. Like a baby walker.
You need to have a word with him and the GPs about the cows milk.
Other than that stop micro managing him. It is perfectly possible for a baby to sleep in their parent's arms.

This doesn’t sound good. Not providing appropriate clothing is unacceptable. I’m confused about the balance bike. Where did he get it? Why would he bring it if your baby can’t walk yet as he surely can’t use it? How did he not fall off it? The cows milk I’m going to go against the grain. It’s obviously very low in iron and shouldn’t be a main drink or source of nutrition but I wouldn’t consider it actually dangerous to have a small cup once a week. Happy to be corrected.

it sounds like he either expects you to leave him to do whatever he wants or he frantically throws up his hands and says he can’t do a thing right so he won’t do anything. Pathetic. He has a responsibility to care for his child in a safe and ongoing way. He doesn’t get to throw in the towel. What does get through to him? Would parenting classes that you both take help so he doesn’t feel like it’s a him problem?

This is not about the father not bringing a pram.
It is about having a 10 month old sleeping on handlebars, with a box under its chin. It’s about feeding a baby inappropriate food (cows milk). It’s about bringing a kid outside in the rain without appropriate clothes, repeatedly. It’s about gaslighting the mother.

yes, there are loads of places in the world where they don‘t have prams. But they have slings. They don’t use the lack of pram as an excuse to neglect babies basic needs and display abusive behaviour.

Very sinister.
You have made a massive error having a baby with him.
I wouldn't trust him with a baby at all.
I would talk to your GP and would be making plans to leave him.
This will only get a lot worse.

It's obvious to anyone reading this I'm afraid
A mixture between weaponised incompetence (oh I can't do anything right/up to your standard, you better do it all); making you fear upsetting him so you never criticise (telling "nicely" to make sure your son doesn't freeze. Why nicely?); and prioritising his own convenience and comfort over your son's health and your wishes.

My ND husband gets overwhelmed and overstimulated very easily and has to take himself off to be alone and block out the sheer noise of parenting fairly often. There have been times he’s been a bit terse when he feels like he’s been putting a lot of effort into parenting and I’ve asked for extra when he’s reached his limit. Your DH behaviour sounds manipulative, that’s something else and I wouldn’t like it at all.

What?

So? He’ll have sore arms. It’s not hurting him to be carried.

of you think he will put DS in danger then mention it. If not leave it. Some of this is micro managing some of it keeping DS safe. You need to differentiate

Yeah thats not ND its just being an idiot and not caring for his child well being.

Would dh wear a sling or baby carrier?

Where did the bike come from?
Did he buy a balance bike for a non-walking 10 month old so he could sleep?

I don't think the carrying him around is necessarily a problem but balancing him somewhere to sleep is just so odd, even a child wouldn't do that.
It's not an ND thing though, maybe arrogance and wanting to make a point of not doing things your way?

Is he propping the baby up on the balance bike while it sleeps? If yes, he’ll have a back ache later. If no, that’s dangerous, as the baby can easily fall off. Your DH sound like blooming hard work.

This isn’t anything to do with neurodiversity, sorry. My husband is autistic and was brilliant when my children were babies. The only difference we noticed was that he got less upset by crying than I did. He didn’t tend to think they were crying at him, but because of something which he would try to fix, whereas I would get upset by it.

I wouldn’t be letting him take baby out alone, he is clearly not making safe decisions.

I have a 9 month old (dc3) and my husband didn’t really look after any of them til 18 months plus. It’s not ideal but at least I knew they were safe with me

I agree with a lot of the posts here. I don't think it's an ND thing - he's a shit parent and unwilling to learn and he's arrogant and thinks he knows best.

Very tricky situation for you. IF he's not violent - then I would have an almighty conversation with him and lay it out plainly - that your baby has to be fed, clothed and carried correctly depending on age and weather.
He needs to be safe.
this is only going to get worse as you cross the many different parenting issues as your DC grows.

I think you have to either lay down the law, make his life hell unless he listens to you now or potentially leave him.

Mine was the exact same, @notaurewhatusername. The exact same. Refused 'on principle' it felt at times to take anything on board about how to look after our DD, was resentful of me having to gently suggest/signpost re safe baby wearing, car seats, weaning, clothing, prams...sleep, basically absolutely anything to do with the care of our daughter.
I left. Before she was 2. We're on our way to court. I only hope I can protect her from his attitude. He's ND, but he's also a nasty bully.

My DH has ADHD and sometimes he does things like forgets things and leaves them in the car which is annoying (especially when it’s the nappy bag) but it’s not endangering the kids. They won’t get hurt while he runs back to the car, they won’t die without snacks. There’s a difference between ADHD/neurodiversity and being incompetent. The first can be mildly annoying, but can’t be helped. Incompetence (I think weaponised incompetence) is neglectful.

This. 100%.
Serious conversation needed, and if that doesn’t work, he’s got to go. You have to protect your baby.

Your expectations of your h are shockingly low. He’s not doing this because he’s Nd, he is a neglectful parent.

What do you think will happen once ds can say that he’s wet/uncomfortable etc? It sounds very likely that your h will tell him not to ruin the day and train ds over time to not talk to his dad and risk a reaction.

Or parenting classes. DS is also on the spectrum as well as DH and both of us have done lots of them, your DH needs to accept that he has not the first clue about baby care and actually learn. There are books, parenting sites. He is behaving arrogantly about something he is incredibly weak in but his real weakness is his intransigence about when he is actually told the right thing to do he resists it.

🤷 Why are you together? He's just a twat, basically 🤷

You omit the lack of proper clothing and placing a sleeping baby in a vulnerable position. What would happen if DH needed to put the baby down? Your response is highly reductive and doesn’t acknowledge the full picture