Parent with neurodiverse husband is exhausting

I think you maybe need to relax a bit. There's a lot of moralistic Science over the right way to bring up a baby that a lot of parents of a particular sort (particularly first-time parents) stress over far too much. Much of it is bollocks that will be superceded in a decade anyway, and even a lot of the stuff that is right probably doesn't make a very big difference in the grand scheme of things.

Prams I think exist primarily for parental convenience, not for the child's wellbeing. I personally wouldn't want to be lugging a 10-month-old round in my arms for hours, but if your DH is fine with that, that's his prerogative.

Nd is a massive red herring here.

he’s just a prick.

I can see both sides to some extent. I don’t understand how he was on a balance bike if he can’t walk? Was it more like a push along trike? I have taken photos of my son asleep in funny places so I don’t think that’s an issue itself, obviously depends if he then left him there. Although I can’t see how you could leave them asleep on a balance bike as they’d just fall over. If he left him in an unsafe sleep situation that’s obviously not ok,

It sounds like you are micromanaging him massively around the rain cover, extra layers etc. Also if he wants to carry him rather than use the pushchair that’s up to him. I would be annoyed if my partner rang me to check in on me such an extent.

However YANBU around the formula / cows milk issue.

What has he been diagnosed with? It doesn't sound like neurodivergence to me.

Where on earth do you get that from?

And if that's the case the majority of over 30s will have kidney damage as it was common place to give cows milk after 6 months

Eh actually cows milk is dangerous for under 1’s. It can cause kidney damage.

Well tbh cows milk once a week won't hurt the child
formula is recommended instead as a main drink due to the fact it contains more iron etc but cows milk isn't dangerous

People have parented in millions of ways over history and across the world. Most babies are carried around you don’t see them pushing prams across the Sahara desert do you. You are micro managing him so you are naturally getting a defiant response in return how would you like it if he kept telling you what to do.

@notaurewhatusername there's a long running Aspergers thread on the Relationships board so id say try posting there for support. You'll rightly get mixed views here but I found that thread really supportive when in a relationship with someone ND.

I understand your problem OP.
Of course not all ND men are like this, but some are. My ex had the sort of ND where he could not bear to be asked to do something, even gently and politely. He was incapable of cooperation and had to have total autonomy at all times. It's called a PDA profile. So if I asked him to use a raincover or a blanket, or formula milk, he would not. It was very dangerous. It never got better and I eventually divorced him. Should have done it years earlier.
If your man has PDA, you are in an impossible marriage and should end it.

This isn’t a hill I would make a stand on given the other things you’ve told us. It’s not ideal but it’s not dangerous either.

NT spouses can make life very difficult too.

My DH is ND and subsequently so are all of our children, be prepared for that. It is exhausting OP, and it has been very difficult and somewhat traumatic at times. My DH has grown up a lot in his late 30's and started a very intense therapy that he says has changed his life and I can hand on heart say it has changed mine too. He still has his moments, as do I. He recognises how hard he has made my life over the years and he is genuinely remorseful. If he hadn't of started therapy I would have left by now, which I have told him.

He wouldn’t have been pushing a balance bike round all day, it was just a pic. So not a big deal .

Is it one of those trike/pushchair things?

Sorry but you sound over anxious .

It does not matter if someone is nuerodiverse or not. There is a minimum standard of parenting and that is keeping the child safe. He is not keeping your child safe and is not even meeting his basic needs of being fed, warm, clean etc.
This is unacceptable and you need to safeguard your child.
He needs to address his issues pronto by doing parenting classes etc or you need to leave.
If something happens to your baby you will never forgive yourself and will have a long time to think about it.

There is a reason why mothers get convicted for 'causing or allowing' the death of their child and that is because an omission is as bad as an action.

What utter rubbish. I have autism as does my dad and my children. I was the safety conscious parent , ditto my dad . My NT husband is very much fun winging it dad .ND makes you worry more.

This is extremely ignorant (also with 2 autistic parents the chances are you are ND you just don't realise it, btw).

I am autistic and have ADHD. I am an excellent parent (and not just in my own opinion, in the opinion of the school and professionals who have assessed my own child's ASD, colleagues, friends, and so on). I am also a professional myself. I know others with autism who are doctors, lawyers, social workers, all sorts. All excellent. Friends often seek my advice on parenting. Yes of course there will be plenty of autistic people who would not be good parents but to tar all people with ASD with the same brush is very ableist and just factually wrong.

Being neurodivergent covers a whole spectrum of different things. What his actual diagnosis? This would give a better idea of what his specific difficulties are. I am AuADHD so struggled with certain things.

If his difficulties are due to his neurodivergence then workarounds should help. If he’s refusing to even try then it’s likely that the neurodivergence isn’t the issue here and it’s more down to him being lazy or neglectful.

Does he struggle with other aspects of life eg work, friendships, hobbies or is this just weaponised incompetence?

In terms of a pram, I never used one as I hated pushing one around so had a carrier instead. Would this be an option if he dislikes using the pram? Does he have difficulty remembering to take things with him? If so, keeping a bag ready packed with all the key things like hat, wipes, nappies etc. helps as it reduces the task loading at the time of going out. Are there any sensory issues that cause him to struggle?

If he has a PDA-type profile then he could really struggle with you giving him specific instructions and checking up on him. Using declarative language can work better in this situation.

Choose your battles: getting a bit wet in the rain is not going to hurt as long as it’s for a short period and the baby is changed and warm as soon as he gets back in. Focus on the areas where there is actual risk of harm.

Honestly this is so ignorant. ND people can be excellent parents. To write everyone off with ND is genuinely wild. It depends on the person and their needs. Plenty of NT people are shitty parents.

I often leave coats etc in the car but for me it is more about logic I.e. if I know we are going out next in the car, at least I am less likely to forget it if I leave it in the car. My husband however gets frustrated as the coats have a place. We are both neurodivergent including ADHD. So it isn't necessarily even an ADHD thing. These are spectrum disorders.

What I do agree with though is that OPs partner is just doing shitty parenting and that isnt a ND thing. ND people can be excellent parents and actually it is a bit offensive to blame it on his ND when actually you can be both ND and a shirty parent which is unrelated to your ND