Parent with neurodiverse husband is exhausting

Just stop it. The dad is an incompetent twat.

The OP is not being hysterical or controlling. She has justifiable worries.

Stop gaslighting her. You are sounding very like her useless sperm donor in your posts.

I think OP is being gaslit a bit here

Its all very well people saying they or their partner is ND and wouldnt do this or that and name calling him. Not all ND people are the same but there are some shared traits and features

The reality is, that many features and issues within ND leads to lack of empathy, rigid black and white thinking, a reluctance/incapacity to learn, not seeing a person as a person, lack of insight etc etc and this is particularly pertinent to children.

So while its great all these posters with husbands or themselves didnt do this or that type of parenting, OPs husband is doing parenting badly and highly likely linked to his ND

The key issue here is that due to that condition, he will not change. He wont take on board new information, everything will be a battle and a fight, he wont interpret information the way it needs to be taken in and will argue that he is right.

This makes him controlling and neglectful even if he doesnt mean to be, in fact he probably has little concept of that. And perhaps doesnt even care

Either he gets specialist social learning type counselling focused for people with ND (and he would have to want that and work with it and be genuine about that) or its the end of the road for the relationship and OP needs to leave.

Good luck OP

Obviously you are only giving a snapshot here...

Firstly, please don't tar all ND people with this brush. I have ADHD and still remember the buggy and the changing bag, etc. Is your DH actually diagnosed?

Secondly, I think there's a 'bit of both', here. You sound like you have very different parenting styles and things like milk once a week are really not a big deal. Also the 'one extra layer' thing is not a hard and fast rule.

I do not understand how someone can 'forget' to take out a buggy tbh. He is clearly making a conscious decision to carry your DS. I'm not convinced this is an ND thing. I'd read him the riot act on safety issues, does he actually allow him to get cold and wet?

Posts such as those from yourself are unhelpfully full of hysteria.

Many many parents choose not to use prams. They are a nightmare in shopping centres. There is nothing wrong with carrying or using a sling with a 10 month old or with a 10 month old having milk once a week .

Nobody in child protection would give either a second thought and actually the constant watching and criticism if given to a mother would be seen as controlling.

Maybe the op should learn to try and parent with the father of her child, criticise less and give/ take a bit more. My way or the highway and constant criticism is never a good environment for any child.

I think you enjoy coming onto threads, saying completely outlier contrarian digs at the OP, picking one minor detail in a much larger pattern of behaviour that has been extremely well described and nit picking that instead of offering anything that could pass as helpful for her to carry forward in her life.

The OP has one child with this man currently and it is soul destroying for her, having more children with him will magnify these problems enormously and unlike you I firmly believe he is a neglectful incompetent parent. Youve attempted to land his incompetence at the hands of the OP.

I think a 10 month old can survive being carried by his father, having cows milk once a week and having a photo taken on a balance bike.

Controlling hysteria such as in your posts and others are what is likely to cause damage.

Looks like the dad has joined the thread.

@notaurewhatusername is not being controlling. The dad is being a twat.

DH has ADHD tendances. When DD was little we had a post it note stuck by the front door so that he didn't forget anything when taking DD to school.

Well if you parented like the OP’s DH that is no thanks to you. But I suspect you didn’t and wouldn’t.

https://www.babipur.co.uk/products/early-rider-lite-kids-wooden-balance-bike?srsltid=AfmBOoptlG6-CeJ3kWujnOAGb6er-BuQXE_1Xc6S_1wACYOABXmenq8A

That is a balance bike.

Nah my husbands autistic and it presets parenting challenges but he definitely wouldn't do this.

That isn’t a balance bike.

Of course one parent doesn't continuously have to do what the other parent wants them to do but they should listen and be willing to do some things that they ask, particularly when it's something like don't let the baby get cold.

As for the balance bike I'm imagining something like this that can be used in lieu of a pram because I don't understand the logistics of propping a baby's head up with a box while sleeping if it's more of a bike styled one but OP can probably clarify later.

This sounds exactly like my ex husband when our DC were little, right down to the gaslighting and refusing to change or take my concerns on board.

He would frequently take them out in inadequate clothes/shoes, let tiny toddling DC wander around car parks/across roads and expect cars to just stop for them, take them in cars without car seats, leave them unattended in the bath, not wash/feed them properly, told me there was no point cleaning their teeth as they were just going to fall out anyway etc etc.

He once left our newborn son at home alone while he went to the shop, and actually suggested to me (by text thankfully so I have evidence!) leaving the baby and toddler home alone for 10 minutes before I got back from somewhere so he could make an appointment on time. There's probably much more that I've forgotten.

I left him eventually (for being abusive) and I've now ended up stopping contact because they were repeatedly coming home filthy, smelly and covered in injuries and bruises and, as I found out, being left unsupervised in public.

I agree @notaurewhatusername this is neglect and it'll only get worse. You might as well be banging your head against a brick wall trying to get him to listen to you and put your DC's needs first.

He sounds exhausting OP. Why have you stuck being with him? You know there are easier men to be with?

Don’t be ridiculous. I have several children that have all made it to adulthood.

But being part of a relationship does not mean one parent continuously has to do what the other wants them to do.

Re the balance bike. I doubt very much he decided to take a balance bike with him and balance a 10 month old on it all day. It was surely a photo op. Big deal. People take pics of their babies on all sorts of things.

I don't know whether he has a diagnosis of PDA, ODD, something else or is just really contrary but it is so difficult dealing with someone who won't do anything you ask them to do.

My guess is prior to baby's arrival OP had ways of making requests or just massively compromising so that he didn't kick off. Now baby has specific needs that have to be tended to and tiptoeing around DH's feelings isn't working anymore.

If it's the kind of balance trike that transforms and has a handle for pushing then taking a 10 month out on it is probably ok. Propping their head up with a box is bizarre and unsafe. If he loves carrying DS so much, why wouldn't he pick him up if he's asleep?

I have a 10 month old and don't always put the rain cover on if it's a short journey but I have a footmuff on the pram so baby is warm and dry.

He sounds like a prick and because you were used to giving in and making your needs smaller you didn't realise how much you were being controlled by him. Individual actions might be ok on their own but they're part of a pattern of disrespect.

Have you kids? If you think the husband’s standard of parenting meets a basic parenting threshold then I would be concerned for them. Neglect is a form of abusive parenting and overall he is neglectful. If you would parent the same way then you too would be a neglectful parent.

Aye, it shouldnt a babys main drink until 12 months, but in small quantities/now and again its fine.

It can be really difficult to watch somebody else manage your child differently to you and his attitude when addressing your concerns does not sound good. However, I don't see what he is doing as being particularly bad. Carrying baby is way better for them than using prams/buggies - they are for the parents convenience not the childs benefit. There are loads of benefits including much greater sensory input/person to person contact, good for gross motor skills, they see and learn way more etc I looked into it a lot as my baby hated pram until around 6 months - yes I used carriers but definitely not all of the time. At 10 months we still had to carry her loads. She also was difficult to get to sleep but then would sleep in surprising places especially out and about and getting plenty of sensory input. They just won't go to sleep if they are in pain or uncomfortable (unless it is an incredibly easy going baby which I don't have experience of to be fair).As she was so fussy I ended up loosely following the Possums/Pamela Douglus approach - which basically says the baby will sleep when they are tired. And that you need very few products/contraptions to take care of a baby. Not sure how the baby fell asleep on a balance bike though at the same time! Those push along trikes my daughter would fall asleep on sometimes and it never looked comfortable (and probably raised a few eyebrows as I tried to get her home) but she is an expressive person and would let me know when she is unhappy. I wouldn't have given her milk as a drink due to the advice but cooked plenty with it. It would not be something I could get myself worked up about as the advice changes all the time.

And yet you still thought it sounded like a good idea to have a child with him? Honestly what did you expect.

None sound worry of hysteria and the list alongside obsessive monitoring sound somewhat controlling.

Do you think op is complaining solely about the dh carrying the child, or the other things?

He’s not wrong though. Clearly the cows milk didn’t do your DC any harm or else you would have noticed. What do you think formula milk is made from? It’s a UPF made from cows milk!

Why do you feel the need to be so controlling? If your DH is happy to carry his son round all day, leave him to it!