Parent with neurodiverse husband is exhausting

Ok so it was a trike that was a pushchair type rather than a balance bike? That does change things a bit and makes him seem less unreasonable - he took an age-appropriate(ish) piece of baby equipment (which presumably you already owned) out with him rather than a big pram - you made it sound like he got an entirely inappropriate bike and propped the baby dangerously on it.

It does seem like maybe you are on the anxious side of parenting, and he is on the particularly slack side.

sounds like another child tbh
a manchild

also I wouldn’t let my baby go out with him I couldn’t trust him at all, he sounds useless. A reminder to put up the rain cover when it starts raining?! What the hell

It’s hard to know exactly what’s going on without knowing you both, however some of the things you’ve said sound quite like a close male relative of mine. He’s diagnosed dyslexic and probably has ADHD as well. He adores his daughter and would never deliberately put her at risk, however his way of parenting her is very different to his partner’s which causes issues. For example, in the situation you’ve described he wouldn’t think to take the pram but not having it wouldn’t bother him. He’d be aware of temperature but would just bundle her up in his coat or jumper if he thought she was cold. He doesn’t plan ahead but he improvises well. He also wouldn’t see the harm in occasional cow’s milk and generally has an issue with authority so finds it hard to accept that health guidance for children comes from evidence not just authority figures dictating to him when he thinks he knows better. I don’t think he’s ever deliberately controlling but read out of context some of his behaviour and parenting choices might seem so.

Wholeheartedly agree with this.

She said she had to remind him because he doesn’t like wrapping him up. Not that he didn’t take a coat or blanket.Overheating babies IS a lot more dangerous than under heating.

We all forget things when parenting, I forgot to put the buggy in the boot of the car and other paraphernalia several times. Good luck with getting to adult hood without doing the same multiple times.

No evidence of leaving the baby asleep on the balance bike, he simply sent a pic and was very clearly there taking the pic.

The OP’s DH failed to clothe the baby adequately for the weather (it was cold and wet). Left the baby asleep on a balance bike, ignored a request to protect the baby from getting wet, forgets to take a pram, is controlling, ignores reasonable requests and kicks back at the OP when she asks (weaponised incompetence here), gaslights the OP (as you are doing as well), forgets baby paraphernalia when he goes out and refuses to wite a reminder list so that he doesn’t forget, and there are other issues as well.

And you think this is OK parenting?

Are you even reading and comprehending all of the OP's posts?

I'm pretty sure DH is ND, but he was never a shit parent.

To be fair, you have own goaled there as youve said there is no evidence to support you writing off all ND people from being parents. So no, I'm happy with my initial assessment thanks.

Since when was it a crime for a baby to sleep in its parents arms ? We have no idea how long he was there for anyway.

It is a big deal if a ten month old has nowhere to nap because his father couldn’t be arsed to take the pram.

Question is, what are you going to do about it?

You are absolutely determined that you are right and everyone else is wrong. Has it ever occurred to you that when your opinion is the minority that you might be wrong?

The dad won't listen to constructive advice. The milk and the pram is part of much bigger picture which you are refusing to see.

I can think of other things that would concern me far, far more and as for seeing, you can see far more if carried. Trust me as the parent of adults these are not things I’d ditch the father of my children for. It’s ludicrous.

Plenty of mothers and fathers with ADHD forget things- it does not make you a bad parent.Parenting is a whole lot more than that.

Weaponised incompetence as mentioned by another poster, it’s very “leave me alone or do it yourself”. That isn’t being a team and parents really need to be. ND people can sometimes find that more challenging but you have been nice enough about it! Please don’t let him make you feel you are in the wrong.

I think people have got caught up in the milk and the carrying around

I dont think milk once a week is an issue, the issue is he doesnt understand or wont acknowlege the difference between cows milk and formulae, doesnt care or doesnt believe they are different

Carrying him around, not really an issue but its borne out of either not remembering the buggy/poor executive functioning around that and/or cant be bothered to get things ready properly, not really understanding what is needed for a day out.

I personally think a buggy is positive for the child as they get to see whats going on around them, I dont think carrying them around gives them that opportunity. Perhaps he doesnt recognise that or even care. That would concern me.

Only if she is being reasonable which she isn’t. Milk once a week and carrying a 10 month old as opposed to a pram in a busy shopping centre is fine.

Op sounds pretty black and white in thinking herself.

ND is not 'hereditary' the current working theory is that its genetic

They are not the same thing.

No one is writing off the skills of 'ND people'

In this particular thread, OPs husband is ND, it is pertinent to his skills and abilities. He sounds lacking in insight, lacking in empathy for the child, black and white, rigid thinking.

Therefore it is relevant to talk about in that context.

The issue remains regardless, OP needs to feel confident in his abilities and if she isnt, she needs to leave.

It may well be a disability but what you wrote was incorrect and hugely offensive with sweeping incorrect statements as fact . I too work in the field. You really shouldn’t be working with anybody who has ND and at the very least need to update your knowledge.

ND varies hugely and ND people
are often hugely insightful and empathetic often understanding the needs of ND more than others which as it can be hereditary is hugely important. So yes to write off the skills of ND people
is massively ignorant and offensive.

The vast majority of the parent client group that I work with are ND and there are common features in supporting them to be better parents.

Not all ND clients are the same but the condition is a social communication processsing disorder. Within that there are some common traits that are shared by most with the condition. It shows itself in a myriad of ways, the features I mentioned are very common and pose huge barriers to the client and those around them. Its why its a disability, its not a superpower

There is literally zero research into the impact on children of having autistic parents, so you should be more careful about who you call ignorant.

Huge amount of ignorance re ND there.

“The reality is, that many features and issues within ND leads to lack of empathy, rigid black and white thinking, a reluctance/incapacity to learn, not seeing a person as a person, lack of insight etc etc and this is particularly pertinent to children.“

Its a myth that ND lack empathy and as for a reluctance to learn, not seeing a person as a person etc, lack of insight it’s all bonkers and untrue.

Many ND people have empathy, some too much, ditto insight etc. Reluctance to learn just isn’t true. Autistic children and adults absolutely can change and do…..

I could go on.

I can’t quite get my head around the logistics of the balance bike incident, aren’t they for more mobile older children to move around on, not a 10 month old who can’t walk or balance themselves on it yet? Not sure how a 10 month old could stay upright and balanced at the same time anyway as falling asleep, unless the dp was holding or propping the balance bike up for a while and dc nodded off?

In any case, I’m imagining a 10 month old falling asleep on some kind of bike or trike, and their head slumping forwards like they do when in a car seat or something? The baby’s head and neck extended so far forwards that his head rested on the bike handlebars - and your dh didn’t correct the situation - he got a BOX and propped dc’s head up on that to try and support it instead? Then obviously thought it was funny and a photo op so sent you a pic? That was his reaction? Sorry op that’s incredibly worrying and I’m ND and so is my dh, that’s not a ND parenting thing, that’s an idiotic and neglectful parenting thing.

She really does not.