Parent with neurodiverse husband is exhausting

Were there not any signs of this before? What type of father did you think he would be? Is he not a bit reckless and thoughtless in other areas of his life?

It absolutely is classic abuse but I’m sure the posters who could not see anything remotely wrong with his obviously neglectful behaviour before will be able to find ways to minimise, dismiss and gaslight the OP again all the while claiming to be empathetic

Well said @Thisseasonsdiamante
I don't know why a handful of posters think that the husband's behaviour is OK. They clearly haven't read or understood all of the OP's posts.

It absolutely is classic abuse but I’m sure the posters who could not see anything remotely wrong with his obviously neglectful behaviour before will be able to find ways to minimise, dismiss and gaslight the OP again all the while claiming to be empathetic.

The OPs husband is not a good person as was evidenced by many, many examples she gave that were completely invalidated by some posters. @notaurewhatusername do you feel that you are in a position to leave him?

sorry I was meant to be quoting the above post that his demeaning name calling is classic abusive behaviour but I quoted the OP instead.

he often used to call me mental and stupid (I’ve hurled insults at him too but never anything personal maybe prick or similar when he really makes me mad or is mean to me) and weaponise me because of my hormones or mental health. It’s almost like he wants to keep me down mentally for some strange reason or genuinely may even believe these things

This is classic abuse OP.

Well she does know how his condition manifests itself, she's living with it and sees and experiences it every day. She has given a number of examples here.

Nope

Are you ND too?

Please will you stop conflating your husband's neurodiversity* with his shit parenting. It is, as PP have said, offensive to those of us who are ND and not shit parents.

*please also stop describing him as though all flavours of neurodiversity have the same symptoms. You clearly don't know how the condition manifests itself and what is a reasonable expectation.

It must be an enormously stressful situation. You have choices about how you proceed, neither of which are easy, only one of which is safe for your baby.

Why did you have a baby with someone like this?
You must have noticed he was ND before starting a family.
They're rigid in every way imaginable.

Time to part ways.

Honestly LTB, life is too short.

I already said my concern is about him either not caring or not understanding the child's experience.

OP has given many examples of this.

And no, I certainly couldnt carry around a 10 month old for any length of time.

But there's nothing to be concerned about really

Mind you I couldn't carry my 10 month grandson around he weighs 24lb

Theres a fairly wide chasm between someone suffering from something, actual harm, and alternatively not particularly benefitting from it. I would rather someone do something for a child where the child benefits, if possible, given the choice

He had the choice.

Its no biggie as I say, Im not concerned with kids being carried round, its the wider picture which for some reason, people seem to be missing, not many people seem to be missing it, only one or two posters. For some reason. Very black and white thinking, not seeing the nuance.

If this thread is exhausting enough having to explain these things, I wonder what its like living with that. OP knows and she sounds like she's at the end of her tether.

Some posters on this thread sound just as pig headed as OP's husband.

You wrote

I personally think a buggy is positive for the child as they get to see whats going on around them, I dont think carrying them around gives them that opportunity. Perhaps he doesnt recognise that or even care. That would concern me

Well if they wouldn't suffer from it why would it concern you?

No I didnt say they suffer from it, are you reading something thats not in my post?

Sorry op, he sounds narcissistic. Google the term and see if you agree. He’s not disagreeing with you because he truely believes teeth should not be brushed or because he thinks babies should be exposed to chemicals etc etc, he’s disagreeing with you simply to disagree with you and make you look crazy and put you down. Which is a horrible thing to do and also putting your baby in potentially dangerous situations.
Thd things you just described are ridiculous rows to have. Why the hell would a couple have a row about putting a baby in another room while the room is being painted? It sounds like it was no hassle to put the baby in another room. And it was important to you. He should have just said, hey I hadn’t thought of that, (I’m sure baby will have been fine as the paints are low tox but) of course we’ll put the baby in the other room! Instead he created a massive row about it???? What fucking difference does it make to him where the baby sleeps?
re the teeth and the cow’s milk: he needs to do a parenting course. His knowledge is really lacking if he truely believes all that crap (but I’m actually going to wager he’s just lazy AF and doesn’t want to bother brushing the teeth or preparing formula milk and then goes off at you, making you out to be the crazy person just to cover his laziness. Op, has he EVER apologised for anything? I’m willling to bet he never has. He’s probably always teitsted the narrative to make yourself sound mental, or if that failed, started shouting you down).

The husband is "my way or the highway". All of the OP's requests have been reasonable.

I wouldn't put a baby in afreshly painted room either, nor would I sleep in one for a couple of days afterwards.

I only have experience of a ND spouse.

Put up rain cover on what though if he didn't take a pram?

Thank you.

Unfortunately I have lived it growing up with an ND father and have the literal scars to prove it. My brother and I are forever damaged by our childhoods sadly.

Perhaps I could have worded my post better to not include all ND men that I would avoid having children with, but certainly those on the asperger's and PDA/ODD end of the autistic spectrum.

There is quite an active subreddit "raised by autistics" which highlights how difficult it can to have ND parents and discusses the ongoing problems that people are having with them. Unfortunately wider society is not ready to have that conversation yet, as can be seen by some of the defensive reactions to my post.

What happens to babies in parts of the world where is not usually to use a buggy / pram? I don't think they suffer from it

You really are "my way or the highway" OP.
I am now really certain it was a push along trike aka a fun buggy and OP realises she's being unreasonable so won't own up.
If you RING HIM to remind him to put on the rain cover my goodness, heaven help you when your DS is older.
Calm down.
Accept that your way is not the only way.
Stop micromanaging him. He's not abusive or neglectful. He's just being an independent parent.