Parent with neurodiverse husband is exhausting

Men with autism differ massively.Many won’t have meltdowns and for some a meltdown will be just going mute and retreating. Some men are more likely to handle stress better by retreating and engaging in special interests more as opposed to camouflaging. Many men with autism are highly anxious and gentle- my sons included. Considering women camouflage in public more,meltdowns are probably more likely for many women. And trust me I’ve seen meltdowns in women and girls, they’re just as scary.

Men are the physically stronger sex.

THAT'S the difference. Most know the average man is stronger than the average woman.

If a toddler behaved like my ex, it would not be scary. If another woman behaved like my ex it wouldn't be as scary. Though disconcerting, of course.

(I don't know why I'm saying this - it's so bloody obviously true but there you go.)

And of course NT men can be difficult but what's that got to do with it?
The amount of stress involved in not being able to even predict what will send an autistic male into a meltdown is off the charts.
Screaming over a pint of milk being not on the shelf he expected. Ffs.

I honestly thought this would be a sensible parent (like my own autistic DH) who’s struggling to parent because their ND makes it hard to see problems and understand what’s happening.
Not a totally useless dad. He is beyond help. He’s either maintaining a line of stress for you to pick up, or he’s just utterly useless at being a dad. Seriously, he needs to grow up before you end up with two babies.

So guessing male partners should just dump their female partners with autism too. Meltdowns can be difficult whichever sex displays them. That said NT partners can display all sorts of difficult behaviours.

Yep. I used to think I'd get less grief if I'd had an affair with his best friend.*
Absolutely walking on eggshells all the time.
A grown man having a meltdown is very frightening.

*not that I did!! Just how I felt.

OP should get rid of her dh ASAP.

I have displayed empathy- towards the father. Doesn’t sound as if he can do anything right.

Autistic women do not try to fit in. Autism varies hugely in how it presents across both sexed. Girls can camouflage it more in social situations which is different, many don’t.I have girls and boys with it. My girls actually were far harder to handle than my boys at home.

This is Kinder craft - do you mean something like this? That's an age appropriate alternative to a pushchair, though they can usually be reclined a bit for naps.

Your dh should never call you names or dismiss you with attacks like “mental” or hormonal. That demonstrates a complete lack of respect , extreme contempt, and is dismissive of compromise and compassion. He doesn’t respect you. I wouldn’t stay married to someone like that.

I've been divorced from someone like this for 12 years. Co-parenting with them is an absolute nightmare too.

This is so accurate, the fridge or shelf thing!!! And the tantrum afterwards

It does because you have mentioned over and again about how inaccurate it is that autistic people are regarded as having a lack of empathy while simultaneously displaying no empathy yourself and you fail to see how this comes across.

You need to start documenting and getting evidence of your husbands neglect of your child while you make plans to leave. Your baby’s is due their first visit ti teh dentist- will your husband go with you ? Ask the dentist about brushing baby’s teeth . Tell them your Hisband refuses to do this. Even better if he will tell the dentist this as they will note it down.

Also go to see your Gp or health visitor and discuss your concerns.

You need to do this NOW before you leave .

That has nothing to do with the inaccuracies in the post I just referred to.

I think the op does sound over anxious and over critical towards the dad.

We are allowed to have differences in opinion. It’s an AIBU thread.

@QuintadosMalvados completely agree here. I was madly in love with someone like this but no children. Its hard work and I bent over backwards because I loved him. Had we had children, I can totally see how difficult it would have been because id be needing to parent them. My ex had a very set view of parenting, completely away from reality.

I’m the ND parent in our relationship. It impacts a lot of things for me day to day but I absolutely do not do the things you are describing. It largely sounds like poor parenting. However, even if it is down to neurodiversity, that doesn’t mean it should be allowed to happen. It needs to be a case of working out if DH is capable of being left to care for your child. If anything were to happen to your child while in DH’s care, it wouldn’t be a case of “oh well, he didn’t mean it, he is just ND”.

I'm not sure about this: to an autistic man non-autistic people can appear to be 'mental' or hormonal.

It may not be meant in a harmful way but, as I said earlier, a relationship with such a man can be a nightmare.

Bottom line is that it is often the case that a full-time, living together relationship between an autistic man and a non-autistic woman can be a living hell for the woman. Add children and it gets even worse.

I remember saying to my ex that an opened bottle of milk was in the fridge.
It was not on the shelf he expected it to be but instead of thinking it must be in the fridge - or even having the sense to look on the counter top- and looking on other shelves he had a meltdown over it. His reaction seemed reasonable to him.

Fucking hard work. OP should get rid of him.
All this 'oh we must be nice to autistic men they can't help it' shit does my head in.
Setting ourselves on fire to keep them warm. Even my Oxbridge-educated so-called feminist SIL used to make allowances for his behaviour.
Conversely, autistic women try to fit in and please others, diminishing themselves in the process.

How do you think that your contributions to those thread have supported the OP with what she is dealing with and her young child @Delan3y do you feel you have demonstrated empathy towards the OP with your posts. Because to others your posts have looked like you have identified solely with the ND partner and gotten defensive from the get go based on your own identity of being autistic and not showed an semblance of empathy towards the OP or a vulnerable infant.

Incorrect and so much ignorance.

“One of the defining features of autism is lack of theory of mind.
This means lack of an ability to empathise with others.“

The above re empathy is a huge myth. Autistic people most definitely are able to empathise however it is often experienced or expressed differently than in neurotypical individuals. Many experience intense"hyper-empathy" feeling others' emotions so deeply it causes pain. The stereotype that autistic people lack empathy is incorrect, as challenges often relate to interpreting social cues (cognitive empathy) rather than feeling emotions (affective empathy).

Autistic people do not universally "lack" a theory of mind but many experience differences in how they process, understand, and predict the thoughts and emotions of others. It is a big spectrum. The idea that autistic people completely lack ToM is a misconception. Instead, it is more accurate to describe it as a variation in social information processing.

It is important to remember that as illustrated on this thread difficulties in communication are often mutual,non-autistic people often struggle to read the emotions and intentions of autistic individuals.

Finally autistic women and girls are hugely under diagnosed and it is believed percentage rates of autism across women and men are actually pretty similar.

Finally re the laughable “female autistics tend to be very conscientious as it presents differently in them anyway.” Er no it’s shit spectrum,the diagnosis criteria is the same, and it does not always present differently, but it can present in a more subtle camouflaged manner in social situations.

I have 2 dd with nd. Eldest pda, its horrific poor girl. My life is really hard with her.

I have an ND dh and 2 nd kids with him...its been the challenge of my life living like this but while I do not emcourage him to go out alone with young dd, he would not act like your irresponsible dh. I do have to remind him of everything though.

He sent you the pic of your baby’s head resting forwards on a box in the trike to deliberately wind you up.
The reason he calls you mental, hormonal when you stand up for yourself or disagree with him is because he is trying to grind you down and control you.
This is not because he is neurodivergent it’s because he is a cunt.

I was involved with a guy like your OP when younger, OP. I couldn't cope with it but thankfully no children.

One of the defining features of autism is lack of theory of mind.
This means lack of an ability to empathise with others.
Empathy itself simply means being able to see things from another's perspective.
A person who has no empathy is not necessarily a bad person - indeed this lack of ability can mean they themselves are exploited, however, I would argue that this is a major, major barrier to forming happy, functioning, traditional relationships.

I'm being very polite here and careful in my choice of words.

Somebody mentioned PDA, now having a relationship with somebody with PDA is incredibly difficult.

To be frank, the tendency to ONLY put a positive spin on autism does not mention that a normal relationship is incredibly difficult with them.

Women suffer the most as the vast majority of autistics are male. And female autistics tend to be very conscientious as it presents differently in them anyway.

Why the fuck should women have more burdens pointing out what should be f*ing obvious to make autistic men happy?

I recognise this type of behaviour OP and it blows my mind that so many people have responded saying they/someone they know is ND and they’d never do that so it mustn’t be ND traits. ND traits are so so diverse…. And it’s the rigidity, the fact that the behaviour is just weird, the lack of empathy for how it impacts you (and potentially your son), the refusal to follow conventions, and the fact that I’m sure you’ve seen patterns of this type of behaviour that makes you relate it to that.
you’re not crazy. But i get it. It makes me feel that way too.
what id try to focus on is was your son actually bothered? Would he be honest if you asked him. I do think (ND or not) if you want to survive parenthood as a couple you have to let them do it their way, don’t micromanage. Unless it’s causing the child distress obviously. I’ve got three with my partner and our youngest would give him hell if she was tired and didn’t have a place to nap.