Parent with neurodiverse husband is exhausting

Someone with a neuro development issue doesn't care about neuro development and child development??? Wow...he is appalling and frankly lacking ...particularly when he demands you accommodate his poor effort weaponising his ND? He just sounds lazy and manipulative

His own NDiversity may he a reason, but it's not an EXCUSE. Babies basic needs trumps adult ones, and your baby isn't having his comfort levels met the poor thing. I know men with kids who are ND and it has made them if anything more carefully caring and anxious to "get it right", which can he infuriating for their partners at times as they look to them to tell them what's right, but once it's learned it's there.

Your DH is showing its willful by reacting the way he did when you brought it up. Just outrageous tbh.

The main thing I am getting from this thread is that when you have met one person with autism, you have seen just one aspect of it.

A couple of posters on this thread defending the husband are demonstrating their rigidity of thinking and inability to see the bigger picture, and other posters have shown from their experiences just how different their partners/ex partners are with their children.

It isn't fair or right to minimise the OP's justifiable concerns. @notaurewhatusername you need to ignore these posters who are projecting their own issues because they aren't the same as yours and are totally irrelevant to your situation.

Has he self diagnosed ND after watching reels on Instagram of people forgetting to turn off the lights and he went "omg this is so me, I'm so ADHD"?

Honestly he just sounds like an absolute asshole, in everything you've written there is not a single thing that indicates ND, but loads of things that indicate him being a twat.

My stbxh I suspect is autistic and he was shockingly bad at recognising dangers. He literally tried to sit dd on a wall for a photo that had a sheer drop on the other side into the Thames. She was two and wriggling and if I hadn’t looked up I dread to think. He’s ex now for a reason and currently has supervised visits due to mental health reasons. I’m so grateful for this because all they’re primary age now I would be terrified when he takes them out alone with all the incidences down the years

I’d say right back at you.

@Delan3y you seem just like the OP's husband with your rigidity of thinking, inability to empathise or consider other perspectives, and need to be right at all costs. I'm not sure what you think you're adding to this thread at all.

Those of us who understand and are trying to support the OP have parented and co-parented with someone like her husband and have experienced the resulting detriment to our children and ourselves.

@notaurewhatusername if I were you I'd start a new thread, honestly.

But it’s not crucial at 10 months and they don’t need 2 parents doing it. It’s not a badge you get to be a good parent. He probably excels at other things she might not. You can’t and shouldn’t make 2 parents carbon copies of each other but value the strengths each other has. Bullying another parent into doing everything your way and constant negativity isn’t healthy.

Reading to children is important, but probably not at 10 months

What! Of course it is. It's crucial for their language and development. But again, you're willfully missing the point. The OP is giving another example of where her DH has rigid thinking and refuses to do the right thing for his child because be believes he knows best, despite evidence of the contrary.

@notaurewhatusername - the refusing to read thing is another thing my exH did too. When I stopped contact recently for all the reasons mentioned above, reception aged DS's teacher commented within a couple of weeks how rapidly his reading had improved.

There's parenting differently, and there's purposefully not doing the right thing for your child because being right or doing things your own way is more important to you.

So he hasn’t actually got a ND diagnosis.

I am a ND parent that always read to my dc but hated “playing”. Reading wasn’t my husband’s bag until older,he did the more active fun stuff often coming home at lunch time to give me a break when babies . He had the patience to play.We have different parenting styles which complement each other and the things he is good at have been hugely useful over the years. I was the more anxious type of parent, he was more chilled. As the kids have grown up, they’ve needed
both throughout and now as adults they comment on how they value both.

Sounds like my ex, he’s not ND just a shit neglectful dad. Used to do stuff like this all to time just to get at me.

If he's like my ex with a PDA profile, he won't ever read to his child now, because you suggested it. He will refuse any request you make, however small or reasonable. He needs total autonomy. And if he's at all stressed (which he will be now he's a dad) the need for autonomy and control will get worse.
He cannot co-operate so it's impossible to co-parent with him. It's torture. You need to split up, or you will get ill ... mentally and physically.
Best of luck. The relief you will feel if you break up will be wonderful. And he will be happier too!

He interacts on his terms doesnt he.

Again, child not really understood or centred. No comprehension or insight I would wager.

Many, many parents are not reading to 10 month old babies.
The OP hasn't said dad doesn't interact with the baby, in fact it sounds like the opposite, he takes him out often and likes to carry him around.
The more the OP posts, the more it sounds like parenting differences to me.

There used to be plenty of evidence that reading to/with children at every age is important. Its obvious that gor this man all things child related are seen as too much or unnecessary “work” that he chooses to tefuse rather than an act of nurture and love that he chooses to do. He is an emotional miser.

Again with missing the bigger picture, its about the engagement. Reading to children isnt about the 'reading' per se, its about the parent child interaction/interplay, language development, intonation, bedtime routine, intimacy. He clearly cannot recognise that, understand it, care about it.

Reading to children is important, but probably not at 10 months. This really isn't a hill I'd die on.

I think you do just have to agree to disagree on some of the petty stuff, let him parent his own way.
The actual health/safety stuff is where you need to stand your ground.

If he didn't feel criticised on minor things like rain covers and stories, do you think he would be more likely to discuss safety issues?

Its just that fixed rigid thinking and again, for the hard of understanding the sheer lack of ability to consider the child as a separate human with needs and requirements. Lack of theory of mind as outlined above. Having bizarre or unusual beliefs and interpretations of social mores, social norms and usual interactions. These are not uncommon.

Unless he recognises this and does some work around it, I think you're either going to be driven completely mad or have to leave him OP

@notaurewhatusername I'm sorry your thread has been completely derailed by certain posters with a point to prove.

Please keep posting if you need support. The way your DH is behaving and treating you isn't acceptable, ND or no ND.

That sounds exhausting.

Of course they differ massively- it’s a huge spectrum and differs greatly in how it presents with everybody. Several people have it in my family and the 3 men with it couldn’t be more different to each other from presentation, difficulties to services they use.

Also those with the most challenging presentation and higher use of services have been women.

Men with autism do not differ massively, they have key traits in common which can unfortunately have detrimental effects on those around them.
I feel like I'm derailing this now so I'll stop posting on this thread.