How to handle DD6 possible learning difficulties and DH attitude towards the whole thing ? Who’s right and who’s wrong ?

I don’t know about fidgety but my DD’s teacher took us aside when she was just 6 to say she was pretty sure she had dyslexia and was masking by not cooperating in class. Teacher was completely right. We started specialised tutoring to support her age 7 when she went into year 3, the youngest they would take them. She got her official dyslexia diagnosis a few months later. The good news is despite a rocky road through primary she made a breakthrough age 12 and has excellent a levels, a very good degree, a masters, professional qualifications and does a job which is very technical. Definitely explore with an open mind

Her scores are average and many 6 year olds are fidgety, my youngest is 6 in a couple of months and he can’t sit still for long periods of time either.
I suspect because she is at private school they are more concerned then they would be at a mainstream school because if she isn’t super excelling, they feel it reflects badly on them.
I have nieces/nephews that attend private school and there does seem to be some hyper focusing on achievement from a young age, I certainly wouldn’t get told that there were concerns about learning at my sons school if he was scoring the same as your daughter.
In a recent parents evening I was told my son was slightly behind, he goes to a booster club once a week and we make sure we do his reading etc every day.
The school emphasised how positive he was about being in school, what a great friend he was and how he was resilient about tasks he finds tricky, which tbh is what schools should focus on at 6.
There is no point in getting her a tutor at her age, my eldest was very similar to our youngest and we didn’t get him a tutor until he was 9, for 2 x half an hour sessions in the subjects/tasks his school teacher thought he would benefit from spending extra time on.
He is now in the top 1/3 of most of his classes in secondary school and can focus and complete work well.
I would relax and let her be at the moment, if the school want to get a someone to see how she copes in the classroom then thats one thing, getting anxious about her falling behind, introducing a tutor and applying pressure is another and I’m with your DH with this one.
If your DD stats to feel sad that she is falling behind and too different to her cohort then I would question if this school in particular is the right fit for your daughter and she may feel more comfortable in a less pressurised environment.

If she meets the criteria - hence the assessment - it's not a label.

It's a shield.

It's a shield against being written off - labelled - as low ability. It's a shield against being labelled as badly behaved, spoiled, over indulged or having inadequate parenting. It's a shield against being unable to attain the levels that a child is intellectually (and physically) capable of due to not having their learning or social needs met. It can protect against the consequences of acting out due to unmet needs - impulsive acts or speech, friendship issues, injuries - as having that shield means they're helped practically and emotionally to navigate a world where it's not entirely aligned with the way their brain works.

Don't take away her protection before it's even been given to her.

The teacher raising this is a positive. So many kids get to secondary before being fully supported.

your challenge is possibly accepting that she won’t be the same as her siblings who presumably didn’t need any extra support. She will thrive in her own way - just possibly not in the ways you know

That's because she's 6!
When is her birthday?

As pp said, SENCO is unlikely to be qualified to label your child, an observation will be just that, notes about what the SENCO saw while in the classroom with your DD.
SENCO's role is to advise the classteacher about strategies to help your child learn and apply her learning in other situations.e.g. using phonics in her writing.

Please don't think about a tutor at this stage, she already spends a large part of the day at school, presumably working hard, she needs downtime when she is at home, time to recharge her batteries, ready to cope with what the next day brings.

If she does have a barrier to learning she will be working harder than her peers to keep up with them, without the extra work with a tutor.

Sorry but I need this to be spelled out for me. She is 6yo, has some attention problems and can't read or write properly yet and is slightly behind in maths? Is that the problem here?

Where i am from, kids won't go to school until they are 7 and start to properly learn to read and write. So to me this does not register as a massive issue yet. It is good to observe but I'm not sure yiur husband is in denial about it either.

Really wishing you all the best x

That's my experience too.

My son is in Year 5 and the last assessments were in the 80's for Maths which is 'below expected standards' and in the 90's for English (reading, writing) which is 'working towards expected standards' and if any were at 100, it would be 'meeting expected standards'.

My son fell behind after some unavoidable time out of school, he used to be below expected standards for everything. He gets some interventions at school and we also work with him at home as well as him having a Maths tutor.

Without being harsh it sounds as though the school are teeing you up and say that she isn't meeting their expectations and she'll ultimately be asked to leave - 'not a good fit' etc. This has happened to several children at my child's private school in Y3. What level wouid they expect her to be at? I understand 100 is the national average but many private schools are expecting a higher level eg 115/120. I know this isn't what you came on here to ask but you might need to start lookong at options rather than be blindsided with a few weeks to find a new school.

This is anecdotal but is quite common as far as I know, my daughter was quite far behind in Reception - year 2, by the time year 2 ended the school had put her on the SEN register. She basically couldn't read, writing and spelling were practically non existent. I was beside myself with worry, thinking that she'd never be able to get GCSEs or live a normal life, I remember it keeping me up at night thinking about it.

Anyway, she rapidly caught up between years 4 and 6, she's now in year 11 and on track to pass all of her GCSEs, she's predicted to get 6s in English (equivalent of a B) which is just absolutely amazing to me considering how far behind she was.

Basically what I'm saying is that at 6 I wouldn't worry at all, their ability can shoot up all of a sudden. I believe that some children just aren't ready for academic learning at that age.

My dad was a teacher and he always said the worst parents were the ones who wouldn't accept the fact that their child was average. They'd put so much pressure on the children to do better.

What was her interest? Hard isn’t it because we all generally surround ourselves with people similar to us!

Her scores are within the average range for those tests so I’m not sure why the school is flagging as a big concern. I’d let the senco observe anyway as it might be helpful.

With regard to the 96 in English and Maths, my children's junior school did assessments every term. If a child scored 100 they were performing exactly as they should. If they score 100 in every test over time they are making good progress. A child scoring in the high 90s would be nearly meeting expected standards but not quite. A score of well over 100 meant the child was scoring above what was expected, The more over or under 100 a child scored the more behind or ahead of what was expected they were. This might be the type of tests OP's DD has been doing.

We were originally spoken to in Year 1 about an ASD diagnosis but it was on the basis "her interests are unusual" (they might be unusual at a small village primary but actually, amongst our social group they aren't). Anyway, we didn't pursue a diagnosis until Year 3 when it was mentioned again but the reasons were better explained and we could see she was struggling socially.

She does have ASD. We weren't sure until we had the diagnosis because we didn't think she was unusual at all. It's only SINCE the diagnosis that we realised that not only are we also likely ND but we work in professions stuffed full of bright, perfectionist, high achieving neurotics. So chances are that we, and our social circle, and their kids, all have elements of ND. So what's normal to us, and what we surround ourselves with, also ND.

None of us were diagnosed as kids but lots of people putting measures in place and / or getting late diagnosis.

Since diagnosis she's been much more open and it's quite clear she is ASD. No doubt 30 years ago she, like us, would have not been diagnosed

There's no harm in seeking a diagnosis. We have one which has been shared with school and with our DC but not beyond that. It's helped her emotionally realise why she might feel the way she does. It's meant we can use for reasonable adjustments in school. But there's no label beyond that. If she wants to share in due course, she can.

My advice would be if the school is offering extra support then say yes. Say yes to everything really, it's no reflection on your child that they benefit from extra support. Even if there's nothing underlying, it's probably going to be a benefit to have the extra support while it lasts!

In general there are two ways of thinking about this.

one is let kids be kids, they all catch up anyway, etc.

the other is tiger mum force them to do lots of work outside school and make them learn three instruments.

in reality there is a lot in the middle.

if she is falling behind then doing some extra stuff outside school won’t hurt. There’s lots of stuff you can do as a parent to support phonics and reading - getting her to read every day, looking at doing a bit of practice each day on something like wordshark to keep learning the sounds.

96 is above average. 94+ is the average standardised score for PIRA and PUMA.

Wait and listen to what the SENCO has to say.

In the meantime, get her to read her book everyday and talk about the stories that you read to her.

Maths - practice number bonds to 5, then 10 and 20.

Phonics play has some good games.
Teach your monster to read is a good app.
Lots of maths games on Top marks.

Anecdotally I know of a few kids who didn't get diagnosed / didn't get interventions very early and the harsh reality is they are unlikely to catch all of that delay up.

Equally the school might have unrealistic expectations it is impossible to know.

I agree with @MaggieMar - sit with her and do some reading / puzzle books appropriate for her age etc. You'll soon see if she gets distracted / doesn't pay attention / cannot seem to take anything in.

Nope.