I don't think I am but... (family expenses)

Oh God, one of those men who thinks the children are the woman's expensive "hobby" that she should pay for on her own like he does when he buys his computer games. Never met him but hate him already.

Why did you even ask? I just would have paid from the "school trip" joint account. Or do you always need permission!

Maybe don't marry someone if you suspect allowing them access to your joint finances will be dangerous?

Particularly this one. Where the OP’s name is actually @KnowtheAnswer !!

I think most people would use the joint account for their child’s hobby?
Our finances are set up slightly differently in as much as we have a joint account and separate accounts.
My DH puts enough money in the joint account for all the household expenses, children’s hobbies etc because he earns far more then me, I work part time because I’m the default parent as DH runs his own business and works a lot.
My wages go into my account and I use it for the extras we need as a family so clothes for the kids, residential/school trips/pet food and insurances, household items, mortgage overpayment and my own clothes/savings etc
I have access to both accounts, we’ve done it this way because my DH knew I wouldn’t want to use the joint account for my own things when he puts the bulk of the money in there.
If you’re putting the same amount into the joint account it makes sense to use that account for anything household and child related.

These type of posts pop up all the time. I always think why do women stay with these mean arses?
💯

Was the direct debit in question just for your child? Or were you arranging to pay for yourself too? Sorry of I’ve misunderstood.

If I was married and we had separate bank accounts for our own things, and a joint account for household expenses, and he played golf, I wouldn’t want his golf fees to come out of the joint account.

At a minimum, you need to find a time to sit down and work through as a couple how you plan your finances. If you are the default parent and that means you earn less then he will need to be contributing more money than you to the pot because you are a family unit and you are doing the unpaid labour of childcare. Of we're being petty about it, nannies and housekeepers aren't cheap.

I've no issue with both partners having their own pot of fun money. I think it takes away issues why is partner spending £££ on thing I think is pointless. But family needs funding. Assuming the child doing the hobby is not purely for your benefit, it should be paid out of family funds. Assuming it's a sensible affordable hobby for your family and you aren't treating the other children unfairly.

If I'm being charitable he's fallen into a 'my money' way of thinking without realising that it stops being like that when you have kids.

A father who won't even buy his kids clothes Jesus Christ raise your standards OP.

The answer to why he is paying is because it’s for his child… the child is half his so expenses related to said child are half his. Duh.

I read it that their made the decision? That would piss me right off.

and I wouldn’t be paying for it if I hadn’t been involved in the choosing of said hobby.

God that old chestnut.

adults play games. Shock horror lots of women play games. Most have quite normal relationships.

He was happy for the child to do the hobby, if you read the OP's posts. He just doesn't want to pay from the joint account and only wants OP to pay. Likewise with clothing for the DC.

I would have been pissed off if you’d signed the child up for a hobby without discussing it with me.

sorry.

Tell him he either pays for kids or he gets the fuck out.

Seriously, single life is better than being nickel and dimed by your own husband.

There have been so many of these threads lately, where a “DH” is just a complete arsehole about finances, childcare, and the relationship in general it makes me so sad . I always think life is too short to put up with that shit and then give my own DH a spontaneous hug and forgive him for leaving his weetabix bowl in the sink with the weetabix welded on. OP, use the joint account , it’s his child too then let him stamp his feet. Smile and carry on and maybe reflect on your relationship.

He has form for being an arse actually told me to go away and leave him alone when I tried to talk to him about this. I do believe he's unreasonable and a bit of a narcissist generally

And you love him?

So many mumsnetters and their kids living in unhappy family homes. And the cycle goes on and on because the kids grow up knowing no better.

Because what works for one doesn't work for another. By the time I got married we were both adults with established financial independence. It's my business of we want to maintain that. Autonomy shouldn't be novel either.

You know your marriage is dead in the water @KnowtheAnswer ?

I think the more pertinent question is what is your plan going forwards?

Your life will be so much happier when you leave this selfish, insufferable cunt @KnowtheAnswer .

I just don't understand how women agree to these shitty arrangements at all. Money in one pot if you are one family. Values and goals financially (and otherwise) aligned. Slightly different for blended families but you are not.

He is a twat. He is happy for your resources - time, money, emotional effort, womb - to be communal while his money, and time, remain his own.

It's a shared expense, end of story. You pay for yourself, you share your kids expenses. It's not even a question, he's in the wrong.

The answers simple it might allow someone dangerous access to your financial stability

Wow...his attitude is totally unacceptable. You really need to stop paying more than your share across the board ..especially if you are paying transport and giving your annual leave to do his 50% of the childcare too.
Maybe he will learn how incredibly generous you've been?

Time and time again, I wonder why people have horrible, impersonal set ups for families. Counting every penny, comparing who pays what.

Why not, I dont know, have a joint account for everything based on the fact you are a family, and are raising children together? Such a novel idea.