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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

I don't think I am but... (family expenses)

191 replies

KnowtheAnswer · 28/02/2026 10:04

DH and I have been married for ten years and together longer. We have young DC. I have signed the youngest up for a hobby, which is something I also do, and today I was looking to fill in the DD form. I asked him which of of two joint accounts we should use. He said neither because this hobby is nothing to do with him. I was surprised as one of the accounts is one we use for family expenses like clothes, food, days out, so that's the one he said I should use before then questioning why he is paying for this.

For context, we have a joint account for all the bills, into which we each pay 50% of the amount needed. We have a second joint account we each pay £500 into which we use for food, joint expenses, days out, meals, schools trips, anything we do together.

For further context, I am default parent as many mothers are, which means I usually book holiday club or book annual leave and then I arrange to take them out or see friends or just work with them at home if I really need to. If I take them out in the holidays or on weekends I generally pay on the basis it's, for example, a meal which I've had with them or met friends. I think there's an argument I shouldn't have to use my annual leave AND pay for entertaining the DC.

He has form for being an arse actually told me to go away and leave him alone when I tried to talk to him about this. I do believe he's unreasonable and a bit of a narcissist generally but is he right on this?

OP posts:
Insidesains · 28/02/2026 14:04

illbetheresunorrain · 28/02/2026 13:52

I observed this...it always happen in marriages where he married her with secret begrudging that visually she is not the one for him and his sexual desire is not that fulfilled but life took over, kids came and he is there now, living with her. But his heart is not fully for her....so he comes with this financial deals to try and not give her the whole amount of finance, love and respect she and the children deserve, because you see, God made her body not that amazing for his appetites

You “observed this”

You sound like you were right in the thick of it to know this level of detail @illbetheresunorrain ?!

beAsensible1 · 28/02/2026 13:58

Just choose one of the accounts. They’re joint and it’s for your shared child. Why are you acting like he’s your boss.

illbetheresunorrain · 28/02/2026 13:53

And based on the previous post, OP, is this a way to live? To just bear his grudges and knowing you are just tolerated....

illbetheresunorrain · 28/02/2026 13:52

I observed this...it always happen in marriages where he married her with secret begrudging that visually she is not the one for him and his sexual desire is not that fulfilled but life took over, kids came and he is there now, living with her. But his heart is not fully for her....so he comes with this financial deals to try and not give her the whole amount of finance, love and respect she and the children deserve, because you see, God made her body not that amazing for his appetites

Insidesains · 28/02/2026 13:50

mrsgilfeathers · 28/02/2026 13:16

…and yet so many women on here want to leave terrible marriages but they have no money of their own 🤷🏼‍♀️ You see it time and time again. I’m, thankfully, in a very happy marriage, however, if it all went pear-shaped tomorrow, I could leave in a heartbeat! I have a considerable amount of savings of my own.

No mistrust, but I always managed my finances before I married and continued to do so afterwards. It works for us having been married for 34 years.

Do you have children @mrsgilfeathers ?

budgiegirl · 28/02/2026 13:44

If you have one of the pair that's a total spendthrift, wasting family resources on unnecessaries, then separating finances seem more sensible

Then you set budgets, agree reasonable amounts to spend on different things, allow a set amount of 'fun money' each - if one chooses to spend it, and one chooses to save it, then that's up to them. But if you are married to someone who consistently wastes family resources, and isn't willing to address it, then you have bigger problems than just a difference in spending attitudes.

Insidesains · 28/02/2026 13:35

Montink · 28/02/2026 11:32

I read it that their made the decision? That would piss me right off.

and I wouldn’t be paying for it if I hadn’t been involved in the choosing of said hobby.

It would piss you right off @Montink and you would refuse to financially contribute even if

  1. the child absolutely loved said activity
  2. it didn’t inconvenience you in the slightest
ScribblingPixie · 28/02/2026 13:33

Why give him the power over decision making like this? Don't ask him, just take it from the appropriate account and if he questions whether his children's activities have anything to do with him, tell him not to be ridiculous.

Insidesains · 28/02/2026 13:31

@KnowtheAnswer wont be back. The marriage will stagger on. No one happy.

Purplecatshopaholic · 28/02/2026 13:23

Of course he isn’t right and is clearly an arse. Why are you still with this dick?

mrsgilfeathers · 28/02/2026 13:16

MasterBeth · 28/02/2026 12:51

You don't know.

The key word was "suspect".

I think you have to go into marriage with a level of trust. To me, entering marriage and keeping your finances separate suggests you don't trust the person you are marrying and are not really all in on the relationship.

…and yet so many women on here want to leave terrible marriages but they have no money of their own 🤷🏼‍♀️ You see it time and time again. I’m, thankfully, in a very happy marriage, however, if it all went pear-shaped tomorrow, I could leave in a heartbeat! I have a considerable amount of savings of my own.

No mistrust, but I always managed my finances before I married and continued to do so afterwards. It works for us having been married for 34 years.

Happyjoe · 28/02/2026 13:03

KnowtheAnswer · 28/02/2026 10:42

He just said it's "nothing to do with him" and he doesn't agree but he will say that even if I buy them clothes sometimes... of course he never thinks to buy them clothes!

They are his children, of course they have everything to do with him.

Pallisers · 28/02/2026 12:58

PinkyFlamingo · 28/02/2026 10:10

These type of posts pop up all the time. I always think why do women stay with these mean arses?

I always think yeah I bet that man is smoking hot in bed - Not.

nutbrownhare15 · 28/02/2026 12:56

It's his child so everything to do with him. I wouldn't even ask. And any expenses that involve the kids like meals or days out should be going on the joint account too as you are entertaining your children and I very much doubt he's taking them out for a similar amount and paying out of his own pocket. I only pay myself for stuff I do on my own.

MasterBeth · 28/02/2026 12:51

mrsgilfeathers · 28/02/2026 12:33

….or don’t marry someone who will
have an affair, treat you badly after the children are born, how would you know??

You don't know.

The key word was "suspect".

I think you have to go into marriage with a level of trust. To me, entering marriage and keeping your finances separate suggests you don't trust the person you are marrying and are not really all in on the relationship.

mrsgilfeathers · 28/02/2026 12:33

MasterBeth · 28/02/2026 11:46

Maybe don't marry someone if you suspect allowing them access to your joint finances will be dangerous?

….or don’t marry someone who will
have an affair, treat you badly after the children are born, how would you know??

faerylights · 28/02/2026 12:29

Why on earth are you married to such a useless waste of space?

WelcometomyUnderworld · 28/02/2026 12:27

Tell him the hobby is nothing to do with you either, as it’s your child’s activity and that he makes a good point. Given you’re doing all the running around for this thing that’s nothing to do with you, it seems fair he pays in full for the thing that has nothing to do with him as you both have equal to do with your child.

WelcometomyUnderworld · 28/02/2026 12:27

Tell him the hobby is nothing to do with you either, as it’s your child’s activity and that he makes a good point. Given you’re doing all the running around for this thing that’s nothing to do with you, it seems fair he pays in full for the thing that has nothing to do with him as you both have equal to do with your child.

DaisyChain505 · 28/02/2026 12:17

KnowtheAnswer · 28/02/2026 10:42

He just said it's "nothing to do with him" and he doesn't agree but he will say that even if I buy them clothes sometimes... of course he never thinks to buy them clothes!

So his children who he created and has 50% responsibility for, he deems “nothing to do with him.”

Leave his sorry ass and claim the rightful child maintenance from him which will probably end up being more than you get from him now.

Horses7 · 28/02/2026 12:03

FuckoffeeBeforeCoffee · 28/02/2026 10:44

All children’s expenses should be joint.

End of.

This!
Your husband sounds a real catch - not!

Supporting2026 · 28/02/2026 12:01

KnowtheAnswer · 28/02/2026 10:42

He just said it's "nothing to do with him" and he doesn't agree but he will say that even if I buy them clothes sometimes... of course he never thinks to buy them clothes!

He's a pretty poor father. You haven't answered whether in addition to do the lions share of the childcare and net net paying more to care for your children there is a balancing contribution from him. If you earned a bit more for working less hours i could understand the current set-up - but if he is earning more and just keeping most the money earns for himself and not bothering to parent its not great.

bumphousebump · 28/02/2026 11:58

I don’t have kids but even I don’t think this is how married finances work!

PennyPugwash · 28/02/2026 11:55

“I called him when he was playing a game”

leave this manchild.

LumpySpaceCow · 28/02/2026 11:53

I don't know how married people live like this. Can't imagine quibbling over something that is benefitting a child. Of course he is unreasonable.
DH and I seem to be a mumsnet minority in that everything we have is pooled into one account, but we never have any issues like this which all too often pop up on on here.