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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

I don't think I am but... (family expenses)

191 replies

KnowtheAnswer · 28/02/2026 10:04

DH and I have been married for ten years and together longer. We have young DC. I have signed the youngest up for a hobby, which is something I also do, and today I was looking to fill in the DD form. I asked him which of of two joint accounts we should use. He said neither because this hobby is nothing to do with him. I was surprised as one of the accounts is one we use for family expenses like clothes, food, days out, so that's the one he said I should use before then questioning why he is paying for this.

For context, we have a joint account for all the bills, into which we each pay 50% of the amount needed. We have a second joint account we each pay £500 into which we use for food, joint expenses, days out, meals, schools trips, anything we do together.

For further context, I am default parent as many mothers are, which means I usually book holiday club or book annual leave and then I arrange to take them out or see friends or just work with them at home if I really need to. If I take them out in the holidays or on weekends I generally pay on the basis it's, for example, a meal which I've had with them or met friends. I think there's an argument I shouldn't have to use my annual leave AND pay for entertaining the DC.

He has form for being an arse actually told me to go away and leave him alone when I tried to talk to him about this. I do believe he's unreasonable and a bit of a narcissist generally but is he right on this?

OP posts:
Insidesains · 28/02/2026 15:09

Why on earth was my reply deleted??

Bonkers1966 · 28/02/2026 15:09

What a prince you married. No. Not right. Probably wants a new big boy toy and resents money spent on the kids.

CoastalCalm · 28/02/2026 15:08

Why even ask him as it’s clear which bank acct covers those expenses ?

FateAmenableToChange · 28/02/2026 15:03

Start billing him monthly for all the 'default parenting' youre doing. Include expenses such as the days wages lost while youre doing all the holiday parenting. Would probably bankrupt the fool.

Or you could just divorce the childish self-centred loser. Grumpy because you interupted him playing games says so much. Life will be so much brighter without this numpty dragging you down.

Insidesains · 28/02/2026 15:03

This reply has been deleted

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Montink · 28/02/2026 15:01

Insidesains · 28/02/2026 14:56

Why would it need to have been discussed?

is every child related decision in your household discussed?

Edited

Yes I have children. I have three.

and yes, discussions around children’s activities happen before the children are signed up in my house (they did - kids are older now). I wouldn’t ever have signed one of the kids up for anything without a discussion.

discussions around budgets also happen(ed) and discussions around new clothes for the children.

Insidesains · 28/02/2026 14:58

My partner come home, who does the lions share of everything for the children, tells me that she has signed up our child for a hobby they love…. I’m not going to be very pissed off as you would be @Montink

and for that - I am very thankful for

Insidesains · 28/02/2026 14:56

Montink · 28/02/2026 14:55

I would expect that to have been discussed before signing a child up.

Why would it need to have been discussed?

is every child related decision in your household discussed?

Montink · 28/02/2026 14:55

Insidesains · 28/02/2026 14:54

Children?

Yes. Three. Why is this relevant?

Montink · 28/02/2026 14:55

Insidesains · 28/02/2026 14:53

I’d expect a discussion before the kid started going around the money aspect, the fairness to others in the family and the time commitments

i would trust that my partner had considered all this before signing them up!

I would expect that to have been discussed before signing a child up.

Insidesains · 28/02/2026 14:54

Montink · 28/02/2026 14:53

Not married but I have a long term partner and yes, very.

edit for spelling and to ask why on Earth that is a relevant question?

Edited

Children?

Insidesains · 28/02/2026 14:53

I’d expect a discussion before the kid started going around the money aspect, the fairness to others in the family and the time commitments

i would trust that my partner had considered all this before signing them up!

Montink · 28/02/2026 14:53

This reply has been deleted

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Not married but I have a long term partner and yes, very.

edit for spelling and to ask why on Earth that is a relevant question?

Insidesains · 28/02/2026 14:53

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Montink · 28/02/2026 14:46

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I’m female.

im also autistic fwiw.

I don’t know what the side eye “telling” means?

I wouldn’t like it. I’d expect a discussion before the kid started going around the money aspect, the fairness to others in the family and the time commitments.

I don’t think he’s necessarily wrong to have said you made the decision you sort it. He may well be an arse in other ways but budget and money is a discussion - yes, even around clothes.

Insidesains · 28/02/2026 14:40

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thestudio · 28/02/2026 14:40

OP, this man is an exploitative misogynist shit.

Start charging him for all that default parenting. What a prick.

Montink · 28/02/2026 14:39

bigboykitty · 28/02/2026 14:30

I'm not sure why you're so determined to split hairs. He knows what's involved and was happy with it until the issue of payment cropped up, when he said it's nothing to do with him. OP does all the work in relation to the hobby. He's just a stingy, moaning prick.

I’m not splitting hairs. I wouldn’t like it. I read it as op didn’t discuss with him just started going.

bigboykitty · 28/02/2026 14:30

Montink · 28/02/2026 14:06

We don’t know that it doesn’t inconvenience him in the slightest.

i would want to be consulted. How many days a week and what times. How is that going to be facilitated going forward. What are the total costs and does the kids fun budget have slack for that. Are the other children in the family being offered an activity of similar or equivalent value (money and enjoyment value).

yes I would be pissed off if my partner did this without talking to me.

I'm not sure why you're so determined to split hairs. He knows what's involved and was happy with it until the issue of payment cropped up, when he said it's nothing to do with him. OP does all the work in relation to the hobby. He's just a stingy, moaning prick.

Uticary · 28/02/2026 14:20

Poor you and children with such a nasty arsehole for a father.
Is this really the life you want for you and them?

Insidesains · 28/02/2026 14:18

KnowtheAnswer · 28/02/2026 14:12

Thanks for the replies.

To be clear, I wasn't asking if it could come from joint money, I was asking which of the joint accounts I should put down. It's not a household bill so wouldn't normally be the bills account but is a direct debit and we don't have any of those on the other fs
ily account. I didn't think he'd object.

He has since said it's fine and he's just annoyed about other things. Funny thing about him is he knows there are things bothering me but doesn't care but if something's bothering him be expects me to listen.

So will all be swept under the carpet
and this family will continue to limp along, all members unhappy

CharlieEffie · 28/02/2026 14:16

KnowtheAnswer · 28/02/2026 10:42

He just said it's "nothing to do with him" and he doesn't agree but he will say that even if I buy them clothes sometimes... of course he never thinks to buy them clothes!

There his children so it has everything to do with him. What a strange mindset to have! Just take it out of joint expense account

KnowtheAnswer · 28/02/2026 14:12

Thanks for the replies.

To be clear, I wasn't asking if it could come from joint money, I was asking which of the joint accounts I should put down. It's not a household bill so wouldn't normally be the bills account but is a direct debit and we don't have any of those on the other fs
ily account. I didn't think he'd object.

He has since said it's fine and he's just annoyed about other things. Funny thing about him is he knows there are things bothering me but doesn't care but if something's bothering him be expects me to listen.

OP posts:
Montink · 28/02/2026 14:06

Insidesains · 28/02/2026 13:35

It would piss you right off @Montink and you would refuse to financially contribute even if

  1. the child absolutely loved said activity
  2. it didn’t inconvenience you in the slightest

We don’t know that it doesn’t inconvenience him in the slightest.

i would want to be consulted. How many days a week and what times. How is that going to be facilitated going forward. What are the total costs and does the kids fun budget have slack for that. Are the other children in the family being offered an activity of similar or equivalent value (money and enjoyment value).

yes I would be pissed off if my partner did this without talking to me.

ElfAndSafetyBored · 28/02/2026 14:06

It clearly comes out if your second joint account. That is what that account is for. I’m not sure why you even asked him.

However, my husband takes my son to the football and he pays for his ticket, we share the cost of our son’s. But that’s because the football is as much for my husband and he’d be going anyway.

If my husband took him to a theme park, I’d go halves with him because he hates theme parks so that would solely be for my son.

So I think it depends a bit.