Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

I don't think I am but... (family expenses)

191 replies

KnowtheAnswer · 28/02/2026 10:04

DH and I have been married for ten years and together longer. We have young DC. I have signed the youngest up for a hobby, which is something I also do, and today I was looking to fill in the DD form. I asked him which of of two joint accounts we should use. He said neither because this hobby is nothing to do with him. I was surprised as one of the accounts is one we use for family expenses like clothes, food, days out, so that's the one he said I should use before then questioning why he is paying for this.

For context, we have a joint account for all the bills, into which we each pay 50% of the amount needed. We have a second joint account we each pay £500 into which we use for food, joint expenses, days out, meals, schools trips, anything we do together.

For further context, I am default parent as many mothers are, which means I usually book holiday club or book annual leave and then I arrange to take them out or see friends or just work with them at home if I really need to. If I take them out in the holidays or on weekends I generally pay on the basis it's, for example, a meal which I've had with them or met friends. I think there's an argument I shouldn't have to use my annual leave AND pay for entertaining the DC.

He has form for being an arse actually told me to go away and leave him alone when I tried to talk to him about this. I do believe he's unreasonable and a bit of a narcissist generally but is he right on this?

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page
KnowtheAnswer · 13/03/2026 12:35

Sorry I didn't mean to quote my previous reply when I said thank you!

Honestly not being pretentious but I don't think it's super common, also think I mentioned that I do it as well as the DC, and I am just paranoid someone would recognise me, which I don't want.

OP posts:
DappledThings · 13/03/2026 12:23

ThornsInACheapBouquet · 13/03/2026 12:16

Except people don’t RTFT and still ask what the hobby is. Does it really matter what it is? The question is about her husband saying OP should pay for it.

any expenses for your DC are always a joint cost. Both are equal parents with equal responsibility. You are NBU to assume the cost would come out of the account used for days out etc.

Edited

Doesn't matter to me, no. But the OP asked why it mattered to anyone so I was just explaining why being secretive about something there's no need to be secretive about tends to lead to threads derailing. And was then told to stop going on about it as if I was the poster who had asked in the first place.

ThornsInACheapBouquet · 13/03/2026 12:16

DappledThings · 08/03/2026 14:07

Because it ends up derailing the thread with people guessing when it's pointlessly annoying to try to hide something there's no need to hide.

If you really don't want to say what it is you'd be better off making something up rather than being coy about it. So if it's windsurfing and you think windsurfing is something outing just say rugby. Saying "hobby" riles people up because it comes across as pretentious to think it's so special that it's outing.

Except people don’t RTFT and still ask what the hobby is. Does it really matter what it is? The question is about her husband saying OP should pay for it.

any expenses for your DC are always a joint cost. Both are equal parents with equal responsibility. You are NBU to assume the cost would come out of the account used for days out etc.

KnowtheAnswer · 13/03/2026 11:29

KnowtheAnswer · 12/03/2026 14:33

Maybe just stop going on about it 😂

Thanks everyone for the advice

OP posts:
Mum2Fergus · 12/03/2026 15:22

Unless said child is an immaculate conception, he/she is a joint expense.

caringcarer · 12/03/2026 15:09

All DC expenses are joint. Everyone knows this. They are his DC too aren't they? The only reason just you would pay is if they are not his DC.

Retro12 · 12/03/2026 15:08

PinkyFlamingo · 28/02/2026 10:10

These type of posts pop up all the time. I always think why do women stay with these mean arses?

I often think they can't be real - Surely you would tell him to fuck off and take the funds from whatever joint account you wanted.... joint means joint access. Just take the power away!

bigboykitty · 12/03/2026 15:04

KnowtheAnswer · 12/03/2026 14:33

Maybe just stop going on about it 😂

This 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼

KnowtheAnswer · 12/03/2026 14:33

DappledThings · 08/03/2026 14:07

Because it ends up derailing the thread with people guessing when it's pointlessly annoying to try to hide something there's no need to hide.

If you really don't want to say what it is you'd be better off making something up rather than being coy about it. So if it's windsurfing and you think windsurfing is something outing just say rugby. Saying "hobby" riles people up because it comes across as pretentious to think it's so special that it's outing.

Maybe just stop going on about it 😂

OP posts:
DappledThings · 08/03/2026 14:07

KnowtheAnswer · 08/03/2026 13:56

Not necessarily. I'd rather just not give full details. Why do you need to know?

Because it ends up derailing the thread with people guessing when it's pointlessly annoying to try to hide something there's no need to hide.

If you really don't want to say what it is you'd be better off making something up rather than being coy about it. So if it's windsurfing and you think windsurfing is something outing just say rugby. Saying "hobby" riles people up because it comes across as pretentious to think it's so special that it's outing.

KnowtheAnswer · 08/03/2026 13:56

Hackedoffinoldage · 07/03/2026 14:15

Surely only if it’s particularly weird or unusual!

Not necessarily. I'd rather just not give full details. Why do you need to know?

OP posts:
Hackedoffinoldage · 07/03/2026 14:15

KnowtheAnswer · 07/03/2026 13:20

So we are not outed or recognised from it. I thought that was obvious!

Surely only if it’s particularly weird or unusual!

KnowtheAnswer · 07/03/2026 13:20

Hackedoffinoldage · 07/03/2026 09:34

Why are these threads always so secretive about what the hobby actually is?!

So we are not outed or recognised from it. I thought that was obvious!

OP posts:
Hackedoffinoldage · 07/03/2026 09:34

Why are these threads always so secretive about what the hobby actually is?!

rubia · 06/03/2026 12:11

Shedmistress · 28/02/2026 10:08

Of course he isnt right.

Also, do you each earn the same and work the same hours? I feel a complete readjustment in the work/default parenting/contribution to household will need an overhaul.

He’s wrong and this is financial abuse.

KnowtheAnswer · 03/03/2026 08:03

BestDIL · 02/03/2026 13:01

I wouldn't have needed to ask my DH. I would just have filled in the DD form but would have used the non-bills account.

If you have to ask, then maybe you should be asking about more things in your marriage.

ETA: I earn around a third of what my DH does. We only have one joint savings account. All the bills come from my account and my DH gives me more than enough to cover 3/4's of the bills. He is keen to ensure that I have enough of "my own money" to buy what I want.

Edited

I think people have a reading comprehension problem. I didn't ask for permission. I thought it was already agreed DC would do the hobby and it would be a joint expense. I just asked if he had a preference which account I used as he usually balances the accounts to make sure there's enough money in there for the bills etc.

OP posts:
KnowtheAnswer · 03/03/2026 08:01

Blondeshavemorefun · 02/03/2026 14:09

Then why ask which account to use

if one is do household bills then surely anything else will be from other account

i know you from the tv threads blondes but this is a really pointless comment

OP posts:
KnowtheAnswer · 03/03/2026 08:01

Cherrysoup · 02/03/2026 12:35

Why do you get up at the weekend? Will he just ignore the dc's needs?

I mean I get up for the hobby. He will get up to give them breakfast almost as much as I do.

OP posts:
Blondeshavemorefun · 02/03/2026 14:09

KnowtheAnswer · 02/03/2026 12:32

One is for the bills. It works well because we know there's enough in there to cover the bills regardless of what we spend from the second account.

Then why ask which account to use

if one is do household bills then surely anything else will be from other account

BestDIL · 02/03/2026 13:01

I wouldn't have needed to ask my DH. I would just have filled in the DD form but would have used the non-bills account.

If you have to ask, then maybe you should be asking about more things in your marriage.

ETA: I earn around a third of what my DH does. We only have one joint savings account. All the bills come from my account and my DH gives me more than enough to cover 3/4's of the bills. He is keen to ensure that I have enough of "my own money" to buy what I want.

Tuesdayschild50 · 02/03/2026 12:36

I posted before reading your replies.. you shouldn't have to ask which account but you did because your being respectful to your husband he hasn't shown you any respect by telling you to go away.
Buying the children clothes is a necessity .
I was in a relationship in which he was controlling with money when it came to clothes for myself the children etc lots of different things .. I've since long left my sons are young men.
Do you ever feel your not really living like you want to be for you .. don't let him bully you if your feeling relief when he is ok it sounds to me like you walk on egg shells at times x

Cherrysoup · 02/03/2026 12:35

KnowtheAnswer · 28/02/2026 10:43

It's about £30 per month for further context and we can go up to four times a week for that. Of course I take them. I finish work early or get up on the weekend while he stays in bed.

Why do you get up at the weekend? Will he just ignore the dc's needs?

KnowtheAnswer · 02/03/2026 12:33

Blades2 · 02/03/2026 02:21

Regardless of who’s wrong here (hint hint, it isn’t you) why haven’t you had a serious discussion with him about
him being an arsehole
twlling you to go away and leave him alone so he doesn’t have to discuss it.
being a narcissist.

We have and if you know anything about narcissists you'll know discussing things into oblivion rarely helps.

We have serious issues but he will argue black is white if it suits his narrative.

OP posts:
KnowtheAnswer · 02/03/2026 12:32

Blondeshavemorefun · 01/03/2026 23:48

I’m confused why you have 2 joint accounts as both Seem to be family stuff

either way yes the fees for activity should come from joint account

Edited

One is for the bills. It works well because we know there's enough in there to cover the bills regardless of what we spend from the second account.

OP posts:
Tuesdayschild50 · 02/03/2026 12:24

KellyJonesLeatherTrousers · 28/02/2026 10:08

I’d have had a discussion about whether to sign them up first - this reads as if you signed up without asking him. Maybe he’s annoyed that you did it without asking him. Doesnt change the fact that it should come from the joint account but might explain his initial reaction.

We're in 2026 why should she have to ask her husband if it's OK she signs there child up to a hobby they been together for years ... its not the 1800's for God's sake.

Swipe left for the next trending thread