Childcare from grandparents- your experience vs your child’s experience

My mum was a sahp until I was around 8 then she found a job within school hours. My sisters were 14 and 16 so they babysat when my parents went to the pub (twice a week) and in the holidays (3 days a week 9-3) occasionally I went to my dads parents for the day. They were in their 70’s and lived close by although we did not see them loads. My mums mum lived about a thirty min drive away (which seems very far at the time as no one drove and it was two buses) we saw her a few times a year and twice i stayed with her in the holidays for a few days. I stayed home alone from age of 12.

When I had DDs my mil had them whenever we needed (2/3 days a week for work and occasional evenings) plus extra. My mum had health issues and my dad wouldn’t have helped. When I had DS (different dad) dhs parents occasionally have him (like 4/5 times a year) they live a hour away. But we used a nursery when he was little. Similar to my upbringing my DDs were 13 and 15 when he was born and have always helped with babysitting but I pay them and it’s totally optional.

I would have said yes if my next door neighbour asked me to help to go to other child's ward round. Your mum is being completely unreasonable.

The fact you dont ask much of her for child care and you helped her a lot as a teen make it even worse, but even if that wasnt the case mum is unreasonable.

My nana was in her 70s and looked after us alot, for mum's work or so she could go ot and when she had driving lessons. Mum's much younger than her siblings so I was looked after alot by my aunt an uncle, I think I live there for a short while, they talk about it but I don't remember alot from my childhood. My dad's mum looked after all the grandkids loads, but not me as much as I wasn't "real family".

We have 3 sets of grandparents available to us. My mum has babysat eldest once while I worked and called me to pick him up. She has taken him on two day trips. We've never had any other help at all. DSs are 4 and 1.

I’d tell her now how disappointed you are and that she shouldn’t expect help from you when she’s older if she won’t support you in your time of need.

No doubt she’ll want you to drop everything again for her when she’s elderly.

I can understand grandparents who make it clear they can't help (due to health or work etc) but you would usually find they will try their best to help out in an emergency situation. Even those who won't provide regular childcare you would assume wouldn't see their family stuck. However, when you have not only had your grandparents take care of you and then you looking after your sister and missing our on so much, it's utterly selfish. I'd be reminding her of that and not going out of my way to make any effort with her in future.

Your mum’s selfish and uncaring, sorry.

I'm so sorry you have a mother like this. There's nothing you can do except grieve what you never had and the fact that she expected you to care for her and her children but doesn't reciprocate now. She sounds selfish and immature.

I also have the opposite experience to you op, like a PP.

2 of my grandparents were already dead, and my other 2 lived abroad. We did see them a couple of times a year but obv they didn’t do babysitting.

I did have an amazing great aunt who helped us though.

I now live a few hours from my mum. My in laws also lived 2 hours away and only moved nearer last year. So for the first few years, we hardly had any help. But now they all help out lots and it’s brilliant. I’m lucky i can wfh so i also take DC1 who just started school to my mum’s and work from there while she looks after him.

Your mum sounds kinda mean! I don’t have kids but I spent a lot of time with my grandmother growing up because I wanted to. I don’t have kids but would prefer not to let my parents look after them too often. However my brother has my parents to babysit his young kids a lot. They are in their 70s and my mum still works. My brother complains he is tired all the time 🤣

Growing up I didn’t have a close relationship with GP. We would visit them occasionally along with our DP but I don’t ever recall spending anytime alone with GP ever. Certainly no childcare, holidays or day trips.

They lived locally but I always got the impression that my parents were never that keen on them so they were very much peripheral characters from my perspective.

I now have a DS and the situation is fairly similar albeit for different reasons. Parents/PIL all live locally but don’t have huge amounts to do with their DGC because they feel they are now too old. We visit from time to time but much like my own experiences growing up there is no time spent alone with them.

I suppose your own experiences feel normal and a lifetime of GP having little involvement is what feels normal to me so I don’t feel that I or my DS have missed out on anything.

Your mum sounds dreadful. Not wanting to look after grandkids is one thing and perfectly within her rights, although very mean to say no during genuine emergencies! But the childcare expectations when you were young yourself was totally not on. It's not your fault she chose to have another baby with no childcare plan in place! I'm sorry that was all on you.

None of my four grandparents ever looked after us. One set lived hours away, the other set were close by but very elderly and it was never even an option. We had babysitters when my parents had evenings out, and we stayed at friends houses on the very, very rare occasions my parents had a night away. I think they had about 6 nights away from us in our entire childhood.

We are very lucky my son's four grandparents all dote on him but they are all getting older themselves and we do not have a regular childcare arrangement in place with any of them. They will offer to do occasional childcare but only ever in our house, so we've given up on nights away together because it's such a faff having them to stay, prepping to leave the kids and prepping to go away ourselves.

Can’t comment on the older generation and childcare because my grandparents never looked after me but your mother sounds totally selfish. Who wouldn’t step up so their daughter and visit their granddaughter in hospital? When your daughter is better I think you need to talk to your mum about how disappointed you are that you provided childcare all those years and she can’t do an odd afternoon in return.

I'm genuinely surprised that the Mumsnet mantra of 'your babies are your responsibility, your mum has already experienced her child rearing years so there is no requirement for her to help you' hasn't happened.

Not that I agree, families should help each other! My parents say 'if you can't rely on family, who can you rely on?' whilst never helping with childcare when my grandparents looked after us 5 days a week and most school holidays when I was young.

3 of my grandparents had passed before I was born. The final one passed when I was around 7 or 8 and before that I spent time with her for a few hours at a time in her assisted living space. She usually had us for an hour, never for regular childcare and never for evening babysitting. My parents didn't socialise really until we were old enough to be left for a few hours.

My husband had involved grandparents in the summer holidays as his dad was in the navy and mum worked shifts with 3 kids. But they were mostly latchkey kids once old enough. His parents didn't really socialise in a way that required babysitting or time for themselves.

We get zero help or babysitting from anyone, my child is now 3. My mum now has alzheimers but even before that was too nervy to ever even change my child's nappy. My dad holidays every school holiday and is the most involved by popping round more as he's retired. He has occasionally (like twice) come round whilst we have gone out for dinner, but we always put the baby to bed first. Husband's parents are both now retired but point blank refuse to babysit and have only ever seen our child with us present. They aren't interested. They don't have a social life although his mum is a carer which does take a lot of her time and was still working until last year. They live 5 mins away and never even come to our house. They provided endless childcare for our niece who is now 13.

We anticipate never being able to have a night away to be honest. I think expectations around socializing and childcare have changed, but your post suggests different so I imagine it's very individual

i’d be inclined to remind her of all the help you provided. In her 50’s is not old and if she can’t help when your child is in hospital then i’d be distancing myself from her.

My parents relied heavily on grandparents for childcare. My brother and I got the bus to my nans after school every day where we had tea and mum would collect after work. Every summer holiday we would spend at least 2 weeks at my grandma’s house. Everyone lived within 30 mins of our house so it was easy.

We live 3.5hrs from my parents since having children so obviously childcare isn’t as easy. It does however hurt that they never even think to offer help withh even a few days in the summer.

We have the total opposite experience with MIL (who lives 2hrs away and still works). Every Christmas we sit down with a calendar and plot when she can book off to help with school holidays and insets. She views it as being involved with my kids lives and making memories, whereas mine see it as a drain on their lives and a waste of annual leave.

So it might not be a generational thing but a personality thing

I am 33 and have no living grandparents and I lost my Mum last year and my Dad is disabled so there’s no option of childcare from my side.
My Mum helped a lot when my DD(8) was 2-3.
We’re NC with DP’s Mum, his Dad is in the wind and the two grandparents he knows and loves are too elderly to help.
I was never babysat by my grandparents as they all lived a 2-3 drive away… and didn’t drive.

However, your Mum’s a fucking bitch. Good god what a nasty, selfish woman!
You sacrificed so much as a child to help her and she can’t help you once so you can see your child in hospital?
How do you come back from that?
Is your child okay now?

Why are you trying to generalise about childcare and grandparents? Surely you know everyone has different situations? Basically your mother is selfish and lazy and has always been. Did you ask your dad for help?

My mother died before I had DC, and DF and DSM, and PIL were all working when DS1 was small.

DH was looked after on Saturdays by his DGPs on one side, and taken on holiday by the other DGPs. We have had practically no help, only 2 nights babysitting for ours in total. PIL’s friends all did much more and are very close to their DGC. MIL wonders why my DNs who live nearby hardly ever visit.

In your case, OP, your DM is a hypocrite and I would point it out, calmly and firmly. I’m her age and I could easily look after a toddler for a few hours.

I pointed out to DH a while back that MIL was the same age I am now when we had DS1, and worked part time. If he’d ask her to drive to ours on her own, stay overnight and help the next day, there would have been reasons why she couldn’t, although she had no problem doing motorway driving to get to her nearest shopping centre. If we were DGPs and I took the same attitude he’d think I was being ridiculous.

My theory is that it alternates through generations. Those who had lots of help when they were parents don't generally recognise it and don't willingly look after their grandchildren, and those who didn't get help know how much it hurt and help with their grandchildren. This theory works for my family at least.

My experience is pretty similar to yours OP. MY GPs used to have us every Friday overnight so my parents could have some time to themselves until the GPs moved abroad when I was about 7. After that my brother and I used to fly out to them as unaccompanied minors for the school holidays so parents could work.
My parents have looked after my kids for maybe 3 or 4 evenings (not overnight) their whole lives. In-laws are the same although to be fair they don't live nearby.
Is it generational? My parents are boomers so this fits the stereotype.

Me and my older brother were always at our nans, my mum rarely worked but every summer for 2-3 weeks we were at our nans. Used to be there two weekends out of the month as well.
My mum hasn't worked in many years and point blank refuses to help me. Even for a few hours, she would never look after them for a whole weekend

Tell her about herself here. She would get it with both barrels from me after this.

She sounds like a selfish awful mother- who has frankly used you your entire life!

I was never looked after by grandparents as a child

my kids once had a few days with one set of grandparents (they decided after that it was too much for them) and after age 7 the occasional dats care from my mum. My dad was technically present but has never really seen children as people.

I visited my grandparents a lot on weekends and holidays but they didnt provide 'regular' childcare so my mum could work. Two things have changed since then though - my gran was a SAHM and was never expected to work, she left nursing when she married 🤷‍♀️ and, my mum was a SAHM, we managed to live on my stepdad's factory wage and I think some benefits top ups? My mum did a (free) uni degree while we were little and became a teacher.

Today, my mum's still in work so can no more provide childcare than me! I am lucky to have had good WFH roles so I could juggle.