To move home 3 months after emigrating?

😂

I take it back!! The OP started two threads and I think I responded on the other one. Maybe I’m even more tired than you

in my defence I was very tired last night! I nearly tagged a poster from 2012 as well.

Ha ha - As an early 60s couple about to apply for self employed visas for Netherlands ,( we have a longstanding business we can work from anywhere in EU if we get the visas) I know totally what you are saying . We did 20 months in Copenhagen during covid and the Danes don’t even have curtains or blinds in lots of cases - !! That was a weird one that hadn’t crossed my mind - even better when you move in there, you don’t have your ceiling lights connected up and working ( and this wasa high end rental) first week was a blur of Ikea for upstairs blinds and curtains and voiles and electricians and handymen ref the lights . Certain other things there took me by surprise too, plenty of older Danes were unfriendly and blunt to the point of rudeness - ( and we were late 50sat the time) it’s generally expected you shovel snow all outside your house /clear pavements etc - and actually I could see if you had young kids but were not working it might be difficult to find lots of classes/fun stuff for mums with under 5s - because it seemed to be that most parents both worked full time or as near as and youngsters in nursery from end of maternity leave onwards. I would def be looking on Facebook for various ‘expat’ groups in that area as there are a lot and just reaching out and asking for any support/help/company etc - huge ‘expat’ Netherlands forums on Reddit too OP. I think if you can find even just a few regular
thingscto go to, people to meet, it will make a huge difference to how you feel .

Oh my. You poor thing: Holland is a tough one. Three months in is a bad time anywhere. And I suspect it's common to expect the Netherlands to be very like the UK, and it's really really not. Treat it like being in a totally weird and alien country and seek out other immigrants/expats (whichever term you prefer!). If you can find someone you can laugh with about the oddities of Dutch life, it'll feel better. Dutch friends willl come along in time. Your DH at work probably also needs to be able to vent about the real strangeness. There are several useful books ("Dealing With The Dutch" I found helpful: coldness, bluntness, unwillingness to take responsibility, the pitfalls of the culture of compromise, tall poppy syndrome etc). Apologies to Dutch MNs: I'm not saying British culture is "better", just saying it's remarkably different. (To start with, we close our curtains at night 😅). Good luck: spring has arrived. Get outdoors as much as possible. If you don't stop crying soon, seek professional help

Thanks for tagging me. I actually commented upthread and also mentioned Amsterdam Mamas :). It’s an amazing resource. As you say I’m not Amsterdam based so can’t help ‘on the ground’ but Amsterdam Mamas is 100% the group that can. And as I flagged to the OP they are looking for new volunteers at the moment so it’s the perfect way to build friendships with likeminded mums in exactly the same situation.

@LondonMummer is the poster, although it looks like she's mostly based in the UK.
I often see a FaceBook group Amsterdam Mammas recommended too.
And if you look on the Living Overseas board there's other posters in the Randstadt.

There's a mumsnetter in Amsterdam, who writes a blog. I'll see if I can bring her to the thread.
I'm in NL too but not near Amsterdam unfortunately.

Having lived overseas for a few years in my 20s/30s, I'd say the 3-6 month period was definitely the worst. Severe homesickness.... and I spoke the language. Finding a support network was definitely the best thing, and made the next 2.5 years fly by. I'd stick it out a bit longer. x

Amsterdam can be a bit full on 😁 It’s so cool and fun and bonkers in parts, but also busy everyone just rushing around.

Culturally the Dutch and Brits (assuming you are?) are usually quite compatible.

what aspects do you struggle with? Meeting new people? There should be loads of other expats and visitors from other countries,

are you a SAHM? That seems to be pretty unusual amongst the people I know there, so may be harder to find someone with a similar lifestyle

Are you able to enjoy the fun parts of living there?

Which country is it?

I have lived in a few European countries, and in some I made it work and in others I struggled

Switzerland, Sweden and France I did not really manage to make friends with locals, very closed social structures, similar in Norway

the Danes were easygoing but I was only there for 2 months and was very lucky with my neighbours

Spain : mixed but ultimately some lovely younger students took us under their wing

Holland: friendly but similar to Scandinavia in that friendship groups can be quite closed

it can also really depend on the city . (Munich tough, Berlin easy)

good luck whatever you decide

I think 3 months is too soon. I always think you need a minimum of 1 year to properly know if it’s for you or not. Unless it’s an actively hostile place to live.

OP it really might help to share at least a rough idea where you are eg scandinavia vs mediterranean and if there's anything you're finding especially challenging about integrating. People who live in the area might be able to share more targetted advice then.

As pp have said everywhere in Europe will have their worst weather this time of year but the impact of this will vary depending on the country. For example if you're very northern it's quite the done thing to use these months of darkness to practically hibernate so you might find people much more receptive to meeting up etc as the sunlight returns.

The advice on how to integrate will also depend massively on which country and even which region you've moved to. For example I have a relative who moved to Munich and struggled massively here... lots of the locals looking down on her because she's foreign. Most of the meaningful friendships they made were expats like herself. Northern Germany however, much friendlier and more open minded.... You get my point. You haven't really been specific enough about your situation or concerns to receive meaningful advice

You can't possibly know that. And obviously people are individuals, and ill or well-suited to different places they might move to, so there's no one experience that describes everyone's emigration experience. I've moved around internationally a fair bit, and will move again in all likelihood, once DS has left school, and some places I could happily have stayed, whereas others simply didn't suit me.

What did you think you were moving to? I mean, what were the positives you had in mind when you and your husband discussed him accepting the job offer?

I wish OP had given us where she lives and the language. European country could be anywhere and vastly different to our experience. I for instance arrived in Germany a couple of weeks before Xmas with a 4 and 6 year old and a lorry with our worldly goods and Xmas presents lost somewhere between the UK and us.. Slightly different maybe as this was forces but after the first 6 months we were enjoying it so much we asked for another year.
The Netherlands wasnt so great as housing wasn't so much a community but so good for the boys.
My daughter spent 5 years in Switxerland as thats where her husband next promotion took him. Had a fabulous time. But you have to put the effort in. She joined in school activities. Went to work functions where she could. Give it a chance Give it time

Early days. I’d say for the life experience it will give all of you, you should stick it out. I also doubt your DH will want to quit his new job 3 months in…

When we moved to Copenhagen in 2020 I just started replying to peoples comments I liked the sound of on Facebook ex pat boards for the city - then just actually said ‘fancy a coffee , I could do with the company’

As someone who works with expats, the biggest reason a move like this fails is due to the spouse being unhappy. The person who has the job has a focus and the spouse is left at home with no network and no purpose.
You need to find yourself a purpose if it’s going to succeed, is there an expat group you can join, can you go physically to language lessons to meet people. There are also some relocation agencies that offer a certain amount of spousal support if you’re desperate.
I would definitely say 3 months is too early to pack it in though.

In all honesty, what exactly did you expect? I’ve lived in numerous countries and it takes 12-18 months to find your bearings and gerl settled. What you’re experiencing is very normal. My advice: find mum groups, expat groups… make sure to meet people. You need to actively find people to surround yourself with. They won’t feel like friends at first, but some of them will, with time.

Three months is far too early to give up. Give it more time.
I have moved many times throughout the UK and have found it often takes well over a year to really settle, so it must be even harder when you move abroad and not speak the language.

Which language is spoken in your area, OP?

Sounds tough, OP, but you did make me laugh with ‘my toddler’s so disregulated.’

All toddlers are disregulated. They literally haven’t learnt that yet!

I think you mean unsettled.