To start WW3 with my SIL

Oh FFS grow up. How do you figure that people think she’s vile and spiteful when 92% of posters think you’re being unreasonable.

The fact that you won’t share with us what your DH did, involving a child, which warranted a prison sentence, or what your DH actually said to your niece is a good indication that what he did was pretty significant and what he said was somehow indicative that he’s still a threat around children. I think that’s why your SiL was upset and took herself off to another room - it was either that or start a row.

I also think it’s why she shared his past with your mutual friend in the knowledge that it would get back to your school mum group, to warn them. If I was a member of that group I’d be furious that you hadn’t shared your DH’s past if my children had been anywhere near either of you without my supervision.

You seem to have no self awareness and absolutely no idea of the enormous leap of faith your brother and SiL have taken in order to allow your niece anywhere near either of you, given what they know. You say that you love your niece - I haven’t seen anything in any of your posts that suggest that, because both you and your DH jumped to offence and ostracising your SiL without a single thought to how the comment may have affected your niece, or how going NC with her mother will affect your own relationship with her.

I really hope you might still be reading OP.
This is intended to be helpful, not unkind in any way.

If your husband has served time for a crime that involved a child, it would serve you much better to expect that people might be wary of that fact and to have developed some strategies between the two of you to cope with any negative comment or fall-out. Especially if he then makes some kind of dodgy remark to a child (even in jest) which could easily be misinterpreted. This would help prevent further upset for you. Do you think you could handle any similar situation without escalating if you talk openly about how to deal with it better if there is ever a next time ?

He may have served his time OP, and now be a really lovely, trustworthy, hard working man, but even your own mum thought he should apologise for the misunderstanding caused by whatever it was he said. Don’t you trust and value her opinion OP?

I assume he didn’t apologise or make attempt at least to explain himself or to communicate reasonably but instead you immediately took offence and went home so upset, raging and nursing your wrath between you that you then made the grave mistake of calling your brother about arrangements to get together at Easter time as usual, except you would have to do it separately away from his wife.
Do see how that may well be perceived as antagonistic on top of their own upset at the situation. Why remind him to co-ordinate easter arrangements in the same breath as saying you would keep separate from his wife. You were lashing out in anger to punish SIL and that never goes well. It could almost be taken as you trying to split the couple’s marriage up by asking your DB to choose between you, his sister, - and his wife. What were you expecting him to do or say?

Your SIL then also responded in anger herself, by talking to a friend about what had happened and it snowballed into gossip with the result that you have become alienated from your mum group.
I can quite clearly see how upsetting and impactful that must be for you to live with. It’s very sad.

Please take time to try to see this from all angles.
You could then ask to talk to your closest friend in the mum group to explain how the misunderstanding came about, including any mistakes you made in handling the entire situation. Owning the consequences of your own actions often goes a long way in allowing the truth to be seen. And by your account there is nothing terrible to hide so you can be quite open.

Hopefully, you will be able to resurrect your standing as a good, reliable, calm, honest, up front member of the group without any further drama and can gradually get back to normal life over time. Wishing you well.

Sounds like you planned to start WW3 with SIL and she finished it.
Good for her 🤷‍♀️

Your husband did something bad that involved a child, so bad that it made the newspapers.

He has also said something that upset your niece (whom I'm assuming is a child since you won't clarify) and is now pretending that he doesn't remember what it was. It doesn't actually matter whether you or he remember because he upset her and he hasn't apologised.

If I were one of the school mums I'd be backing off too, it doesn't matter that you think whatever he did wasn't that bad - he went to prison for it. I wouldn't be trusting your judgement either. I would also be very concerned about your kids.

Just as a side note - your SIL sounds lovely. Which is probably what your problem is because neither you or your husband do.

OP, if you won't tell us what your DH said and did, we can't judge who is in the wrong here!

You came, you asked, you didn't get the immediate support you expected and now you want to flounce?!!

Come ooooon!

If OP's vile husband hadn't said something obviously inappropriate to SIL's daughter, none of this would have happened. The ridiculous and over-the-top reaction from OP to her SIL removing herself to another room to calm down has escalated the situation and OP has now come off worse as she is married to someone with a criminal conviction involving a child.

The phrase 'people in glass houses shouldn't throw stones' is very apposite here. OP's childish rant about her SIL's faults (being a lawyer, running marathons, doing charitable works and not drinking/smoking/vaping doesn't show her in a good light at all. OP's posts are full of reverse snobbery and spite.

As OP won't say what crime her DH committed, people will jump to the worst conclusions. There are some crimes where the perpetrators would always be shunned if their previous convictions became common knowledge. What SIL did was harsh but she had probably come to the end of her tether with OP and her DH.

I think that depends on the crime.

I think someone who has done time for crimes involving children the parents of other children they may come into contact with have a right to know and a right to judge accordingly.

I think something like a bar fight and even drugs, while I certainly wouldn’t downplay, wouldn’t automatically assume meant they were a danger to children. But any crime involving a child to the extent that there was a prison term involved is incredibly serious and I wouldn’t have my children anywhere near that.

To put it into context, you don’t even get prison time for downloading CSA images of children, so whatever he did was more serious than that, and involved a child, and people think that the SIL is unfair and that the parents are being too harsh?

I’m guessing the OP is jealous because her SIL is a decent person, and no, warning people that a parent of a child their children play with is a criminal with a record for crimes against children does not make her bad, and the OP’s DH clearly isn’t.

I’m assuming this man is actually her DC’s father and she didn’t introduce him into their lives?

One would imagine that your sil was already concerned about your husband being near her child due to his crime that had involved children and was bad enough to have him sent to prison so removed herself from the room (I'd hope with her daughter too). Let's not forget that your mother told him to apologise and you and he huffed off instead.

Then you escalated it by the childish phone call. It was then that she spoke to the school friend and it got circulated. You insist it's not bad, but it's bad enough for people who had known you years and were close friends to pull away irl.

Instead of owning any part of it, you then double down on it being your sister on laws fault and how she has acted poorly when her crime appears to be behaving the complete opposite to how you do "Mrs goody goody perfect" etc.

Op, you and your husband are the reason this got out and escalated. At no point have you or husband owned what you did.

If anything your sil was in the right letting your friends know that your husband had done a crime that had involved minors so they were in the full possession of the facts before deciding if they allowed their child to be around him or potentially alone with him if he was dropping them off/collecting etc.

You had your chance to bring it up sensitively and tell them face to face yourselves by being factual and honest and you didn't which further makes it look worse.

Your sister in law has done nothing wrong.

Wait - so your husband did something SO bad (that involved a child) that it appeared in the news!? WTF - i am on your SILs side. Not surprising that she prob doesnt want anything to do with you either.....

I don’t think that’s why SiL told the mutual friend. I think whatever DH said made her rethink whether her child was safe around him, given his past conviction, and possibly passed on the information to protect the rest of the school mum group. Whatever DH did I think it’s a lot more serious than OP is letting on, and it may be that SiL has done the responsible thing. If I was a member of that school mum group I’d be absolutely furious if I found out that one of the other mums had failed to disclose something like this.

I don't think she even "had a sulk" - I think she sensibly left the room rather than become angry at what the OP's husband said.

Good point. Why should her husband be forgiven his sins which involved a child and he went to prison for, but not the SiL for having a sulk, running marathons and donating to charity….

Reverse?

Falling out with a girl group always feel shit. Unfortunately you’ve just got to ride it out, I’m sure within time the other school mums will become civil/polite towards you.

But imagine how your SIL would be feeling. You deciding to have nothing to do with her in the future - as in making your family pick you or her. Not feeling welcome in her in-laws house.

She’s only human, I would have probably done the same. Thought ‘fuck it, if I’m not family I’m not keeping your shitty secrets anymore’. Drop her a text and apologise, life is too short.

People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. You completely overreacted. You expect people to show your husband grace by accepting he’s done his time, but you decided you are never going to speak to your SIL again because you think she flounced off over something minor. I don’t think people who have been to prison deserve to be shamed repeatedly but this is something you and your husband have to navigate and this means you need to calm down with your crazy overreactions.

erm. It’s not exactly private family business if it’s in the papers is it? 😂. Chances are one of the mums found out by herself, but tbh if I had a friend whose children were associating with someone who was an ex con who had done time for a serious crime I would want to know.

I disagree that SIL didn’t have the right to tell them. As parents of young children they have a right to know who they are leaving their children with. And I wouldn’t consider someone who was married to, and defending an ex con to be the kind of person I would trust with my children.

That’s true and I think minimising their crime is a sign that maybe you’ve not actually changed. I do understand the looks worse written down part, but the entire justice system being OTT is unlikely.

Your sister in law sounds fab!

Could you speak directly to one of your friends and ask what's happened? At least then there's the option to put your version of events across. Still might not make a difference, but from what you've said there's nothing to lose.

If you can tell us what he said then we might understand. Or the conviction. But the fact you won’t is telling.

you’re saying sil is fake because she does marathons and charity work? It sounds like she’s a decent person just trying to keep kids safe. You were horrible to her and tried to separate her from her husband. You’ve called her names. So you and your husband have “started it”.

not sure what you expect really.

I would never sever contact with a close family member over something as trivial as them beiong rude or sulking.

And perhaps your SIL thought it was only right to warn parents if their children are coming into contact with someone potentially dangerous. I’d be grateful if I were one

Bloody hell. I’m not surprised they don’t want to remain friends - you sound spiteful, jealous and mean. And about 12yrs old!

I’d look to you and your husband’s behaviour first if you want answers.

You sound unhinged, the school mums have probably been looking for a reason to avoid you if this is how you carry on and discuss other people

I'm very confused here. I thought the niece sulked off and not the SIL. However much I didn't want to spend time with these people I think I would have come up with a different excuse not to see them at Easter.