To start WW3 with my SIL

I think they meant the OP said it's "only" child offences, as if it is a minor thing. When there is nothing "only" about child offences, child offences are the most serious thing. And they're asking OP why they are minimising it as if it's 'only' and therefore of no consequence.

I missed this: I only knew because my mum told my husband to apologise.

So it MUST have been really bad if your mum told your husband to apologise. He should have apologised.

And you clearly remember what it is because you said "So we went home and were raging."

Why would you be raging to the extent you went home over it, if you CAN'T REMEMBER what the comment was? If you can't remember, surely you would have clarified with your mother to explain what it was he needed to apologise for, if you didn't know? No, you remember alright. You just want to cause drama. Your husband upset your niece and and her mother in your brother's parents home! And you know exactly what it was because why storm out otherwise? I repeat, you remember alright. You just want to cause drama. And would rather blow up your family instead of being an adult and apologising to your niece and her mum.

He asked why I said because your wife is a toddler sulking off and we don't want to see her again

My SIL has told one of the mums that she knows through work about my husbands past. He did some bad stuff and was in prison but he did his time and is an amazing person.

Now because of my bitch SIL I am now isolated from my friendship group.

Still sounds more like a you problem. You've called her names before the get go - she hasn't lied about your husband.

Again not knowing what your husband did its tough to work out how bad it was. He DID go to prison, so it wasn't something without consequences

Facts (as I see them anyway):

If the crime was as minimal as she's trying to make out, she would have said what it was in the OP rather than trying to gloss over it.

If what her DH said was as 'jokey' as she's trying to make out, she would have included that in the OP too to give everyone the opportunity to say how she isn't unreasonable> there's no way she can't remember it.

So very jealous of SIL - who uses not vaping and doing charity work as a negative??

They probably were genuine friends until they realised OP hadn't been upfront with them - that can kill a friendship faster than anything

Final fact - no way is OP coming back after everyone told her how unreasonable she is!!

Agreed.

Op, I haven’t read the whole thread but the fact is your husband did go to prison for something linked to a child but you won’t say what.

Now he’s going around upsetting a child within his family.

The fact that everyone has distanced themselves clearly shows it was for something serious.

Yet you’re blaming your SIL?

"To start WW3 with my SIL"
Really, OP? You do know that will harm your relationship with your brother, your mother, your niece? Is that what you want?

"The fact that me and my husband cant remember what offended her so much to cause an atmosphere and leave the room shows it wasnt the a big deal. If he had said something horrible to my neice id have said something to her. I love my neice. I only knew because my mum told my husband to apologise. So we went home and were raging."
So "it wasnt the a big deal" - to you. It was a big deal to your mother. It may have been a big deal to your brother's wife. In my opinion, that means it was a big deal, and you are minimising the offence your husband caused.

"I was fine with my brother he didn't even know until I said about sorting Easter plans to avoid a clash that we weren't talking to his wife. "
This in interesting to me. There's you and your husband, who were "raging" at being told by your mother to apologise, on your high horses and not talking to your brother's wife - and your brother was unaware of all this drama until you told him.

Two possibilities - either your brother's wife WAS aware you and your husband were sulking at being pulled up, and chose not to inform her husband of your behaviour, or, your brother's wife WAS NOT aware you and your husband were sulking at being pulled up, because you're not really a presence in her life and you and she don't talk that often anyway. Either way, it's you stirring this pot, not her.

But, to the meat of your complaint against her:

"My SIL has told one of the mums that she knows through work about my husbands past."
"I dont think it matters the conviction it was a very long time ago and he did his time and rehabilitated and is a good member of society."
"the mums have found the news paper about what he did ( over q5 years ago)"
Who told you that SIL told them this? Or did you just make an assumption? It was in the newspaper, why do you think that's not the original source of the information? Why would SIL know about his past "through work" and not through being a member of the same family? Have you leapt to a conclusion that she is the source because of her job?

Actually, I've just realised - this is a new husband, isn't it? Not the father of your children, but someone that you have met after he came out of prison for whatever he did. Otherwise, SIL would have known about his past because she and he would have been in-laws when he was in jail and you wouldn't be claiming SIL "told one of the mums that she knows through work about my husbands past", would you? And given that you have minimised the offence your husband caused with his comment to your niece (how old is she?) I'm wondering if you're minimising the offence your husband was jailed for. Because it's an offence the school mums take seriously, even if you don't.

"Shes calculated this just to get own back. If she is allowed to strop off im allowed to avoid feeling uncomfortable again by not seeing her. I will just see my brother and neice and nephew without her."
You are ascribing all sorts of motivations to her, aren't you? She didn't leave the room because she was uncomfortable, she "sulked off". She's getting her own back, even though I personally doubt she's mentioned your husband to the school mums. You are reading too much into it. You really want to be the victim of this don't you?

And as for seeing your brother and niece without her - I think your brother might have something to say about that. It's in your OP - "He asked why I said because your wife is a toddler sulking off and we don't want to see her again. Hears nothing more from my brother." You've heard nothing more from your brother since you had a go at his wife to him. Wife or sister, who will he pick? I expect he's picked wife, rather than his flouncing sister with the new husband she defends so vehemently.

You and your DH don't sound like nice people. He upset his niece and rather than apologise you decide you're cutting off the family for being upset about it. It seems like you enjoy creating drama, now you get your karma and get to be on the receiving end of it.

Some of the things people have said about my husband is vile. It was over 15 years ago it was a typo in other post. It wasnt violent or sexual just people being massively OTT and extreme.

Bet the police were being 'massively OTT and extreme' too .

I am convinced this is a joke post at this stage. Criticising a women because she’s a “goodie”- runs marathons for charity, doesn’t drink or vape. And being astounded nobody wants to hang out with you after finding out your husband went to prison for something to do with a child. Seriously OP you cannot be that deluded.

You have no idea the SIL didn't also remove her child from the situation.

OPs DH has a criminal record for an unspecified crime he was imprisoned for. If that was for a violent crime SIL was right not to challenge him. Just as anyone dealing with a violent man is advised every day on mn.

One side has proven they handled it awfully. There's no evidence the brother or his wife did anything wrong.

Wow. This is a reverse right?

I was with you until yu said that neither you nor your husband can remember what he said to your niece. You know what it is, you just don't want to say. And the I think the phrase that SIL "doesnt drink doesnt vape does charity" clarified the situation here for many.

His conviction was on the papers

Yes, if the husband's comment to his niece was so tame the OP would have mentioned it here! Same with his crime. The OP's clearly in denial. She's convinced herself her husband is an "amazing" man, and she knows that if she actually describes his behaviour here people will tell her otherwise.

If she was protecting her daughter she could have also removed her from the situation, instead of leaving the room herself. Or spoke up, although she may well have. As we don't know what the comment was we don't know if it was a big deal or not. Some people will react to nothing as we all know. None of this has been handled well by either side.

She admitted it was a crime involving a child so if not sexual its assault, abuse or neglect bad enough for a jail term. So yes there other parents have a right to know what sort of man he is.
Also she told 1 mutual friend most likely in context of what this man said to her daughter and how the op was behaving. The fact that this mum then went and googled him found the press articles and felt it was bad enough to warrant telling other mums in the friendship group who also googled and read the articles and now want nothing to do with the op tells you all you need to know about her husband and his crimes

She knows this woman through work, so there is every chance the woman found out, and asked op if it was her brother in law. The op doesn’t really know how it was brought into conversation. But she has decided it was spite as thays how she behaves.

i am actually agog with it, the op is unable to see her and her husbands actions and im in no doubt if the sil was related to someone who had the same criminal record and her husband didn’t, she’d have told everyone a long time ago.

she also proclaims the sil to be the only one in the house who wasn’t blood. So either she married her other brother or she’s so focused on the sil she can’t see clearly anymore.

Of course he and you remember what he said to his niece. His own mother called him to task over it. It caused his sister in law to walk out of the room, no way do you forget that. You obviously don't want to say what it was.

Your SIL has every right to remove herself from an upsetting situation. She didn't cause trouble, not argue, she simply took herself out of the situation. You don't get to determine if she is hurt or not. You also don't get to determine if what your husband said to his niece was out of order or not. His OWN mother asked him to apologise. This was not nothing.

Your husband's crime is out there for anyone to see if they do a quick google. Your SIL did not tell any lies. Most parents worth their salt would want to be made aware if their child was visiting the home of someone who went to prison especially if it did involve a child in ANY capacity. You also describing the reason your husband went to prison was just people being massively OTT and extreme speaks volumes. He didn't go to jail for nothing.

Bringing up the fact that she does not drink or smoke as apparent character flaws is wild.

This is all of your own and you husband's making. I do feel sorry for your kids because this is not their fault and it will probably impact them.

Public records aren’t confidential. The mums themselves found newspapers on it OP said in one of her posts so likely they went looking for the information themselves and found something they didn’t like.

If it is as benign as OP is making it out to be then surely it is benign enough to tell posters what it was he did and there wouldn’t have been such a fallout with the other mums, and even if it wasn’t, it was still their decision to make.

OP said she didn’t know her SIL knew any of the mums at her school and the mum that she talked to SIL knows through work. Since SIL is a lawyer then the mum possibly works in the same office in some capacity or field as SIL and SIL could have been easily complaining to this mum and the mum then looked it up herself before telling other mums who did the same.

I wouldn’t immediately go off the word of an acquaintance or colleague compared to a friend I spend time with and have my children around and would look it up myself and make decisions from there and my guess is that the other mums did the same since they went looking it up first and found it vs just dropping OP immediately.

Just realised I misread the part about it involving a child - I thought it said that it didn't involve a child. In which case OP, I would forget arguing with your SiL and find a way to navigate this situation because it is going to be a recurring theme. I could move past a lot of things, but if my friend was married to a man who had a conviction involving a child - and lets be honest, to go to prison it must have involved some sort of abuse, neglect or harm - I would have serious concerns about her judgement or values. I would also rethink the friendship because it might indirectly put my own child in harms way.

OP’s exact quote:
”It absolutely was not sexual related. It did sort of involve a kid but not in any sequel way.”

She also said “it looks worse written down.” Could be anything from physical child abuse to county lines. But yes, it did seem to involve a child, and I do wonder if SIL actually felt it was the right thing to tell these mums. And maybe it wasn’t even intentional; SIL doesn’t have children at that school, may just be friends with one of the mums and said, “My SIL says she’s no longer speaking to me after her DH said X to my daughter. Which is pretty rich, since her DH has been in prison for X.” Only if OP tells us what both of those X’s stand for can any of us have a hope of understanding wtf is going on.

It seems some people love a good fight and thrive on drama.

I suppose, in a best case scenario the child could’ve been a witness to something, rather than a direct victim. Like him assaulting the child’s mother for example?

Whatever it is, it obviously is a big deal since he not only got a prison sentence, but OP went through great lengths to avoid saying what it is and minimise it.

No she told a mum she knows through work, not she found out through work. The woman is married to the ops brother, I’m fairly sure the whole family knows.

Given the response of the other mums, I think OP is playing down the significance of her DH’s offence. Had I been in that friendship group I would have been more than shaken up to find that a member of the group was married to someone who had gone to prison for a child related offence. But I would have been enraged that they kept quiet about it, particularly if my child had been around DH unsupervised.