To start WW3 with my SIL

People go to prison for ALL sorts of things . Why you saying it’s only child related offences and violence. Are you daft or just very daft?

Well, context is everything here. Without knowing the joke, it’s hard to say whether she was being overdramatic or not really. I think you are being though in refusing to see your brother and niece at Easter because of one small tiff with SIL.

You played with fire and you got burned. I imagine this little snippet is the tip of the iceberg of your behaviour that your SIL has had to regularly deal with. In what way are you going to "start ww3"?

So he was convicted for a child related matter, clearly some sort of exploitation or harm, he then goes on to upset a child, you believe his lie that he doesn't remember what he said, and yet you maintain that he's "learnt from his past" and think parents should trust their kids to get mixed up into a situation where they may be vulnerable to a situation like your niece has experienced, perhaps even without a trusted adult around?

Your judgement is awful. That's why you're being shunned.

It's even worse that you backed him 100% because he doesn't like to be challenged and have escalated it into WW3 to try and punish her by cutting her out from family stuff - and now you're butthurt that it backfired and you're the one being shunned.

Your husband upset her, she was upset, you decided to 'cut her off' because of it. Holy overreaction Batman!

His previous conviction isn't private, it's probably in the public domain. She may feel that his comment harked back to his previous conviction 'with a kid' and it triggered her, so she felt it was important others knew about it. That perhaps he wasn't as 'rehabilitated' as you say...you're conveniently very vague on the key details.

You've blown up family relationships, and are now surprised there are repercussions? Play stupid games, win stupid prizes comes to mind.

I’m confused about your brother. You were messaging him about Easter plans to make sure you didn’t see him at Easter? Does this involve your parents’ house eg you want to make sure you don’t go to you parents’ house at the same time? That’s not up to you to insist they do two separate Easter things because you don’t like your SIL.

And I think that even once people serve their time, they can’t expect that people never ever find out or make judgements. Especially if his conviction involved a child. Although I wouldn’t necessarily feeeze out someone’s partner because of if.

Let’s face it, you escalated things here first by calling your SIL a toddler to your brother. Which ironically is very toddler behaviour on your part. I think you’ve overestimated your reach with him. And potentially in the explaining of your behaviour about Easter, she has mentioned something along the lines of inappropriate comments to niece and haven’t they got a cheek given their backgrounds

You said your husband did some "bad stuff" and went to prison and have now said that it wasn't sexual but it "sort of involved a kid".

It is not fair to tar someone for the sins of another, but as your husband's offending involved a child, I can see why they would want to distance themselves from your family to avoid thier kids coming into contact with your husband.

Again what your husband said to your niece and the offence that he went to prison for are extremely relevant

This is exactly why your friends aren’t talking to you.

There's something about the way you describe all this that makes me think there's more to their relationship (your husband and his sister). If she's told your friends about your husband's past I would have thought it would make at least some friends more intrigued rather than shun you. After all it isn't you who's been in prison.
Having said that, I don't agree that she should have told anyone, it does seem a vindictive thing to do.

Wait - hang on?! You didn’t hear the comment so only have your DH’s word to confirm it was a joke?!

It was foolish of you to go on the attack in this scenario

Offence is important. As is what was said
Perhaps SIL is trying to protect other kids and hence telling friends......

So it’s not OK for SIL to strop off when she didn’t like something your DH said. But it IS OK for you to stop speaking to her?! Isn’t that the same as stropping off because you don’t like what she did?

I think you have terrible double standards.

I think the fact she stropped off in your parents’ house, thereby making you uncomfortable as she “isn’t even a blood relative” of your parents, is a horrible attitude!

I think you’re happy to create drama instead of shrugging something off that was so long ago apparently your DH can’t even remember what he said, as long as you’re the one creating the drama and not her.

I think you’ve put your brother in a difficult and unnecessary position.

I think you’re downplaying what your DH said to your niece and what crime he did (involving a child?!) by glossing over those details when actually they’re pretty important!

I think you don’t like your SIL and have described her as Miss Perfectly Perfect. Sounds like you had beef with her stemming back a while and were looking for an excuse to cut her off.

You are not coming across well at all here.

Your DH being in jail for something “related to a child” isn’t really private information though. Anyone could find it out.
It clearly wasn’t minor or it wouldn’t have changed how so many people viewed him, the reaction from people suggests it wasn’t some small misdemeanour.

You’ve caused this by adding to the drama with the ‘we’re not playing with you at Easter’ playground antics.

it’s massively relevant what your DH said to your niece and what his conviction is. I suspect both are dicey which is why you aren’t sharing.

If for example he’d gone to prison for fraud for stealing money to pay for his sick mums care, that’d illicit more empathy than if he’d hit a child with his car. They both must be bad otherwise you’d be sharing to get people on your side.

I suspect SIL version of this would be illuminating…

To actually get a custodial sentence a crime has to be pretty bad in the UK. Not sexual so presumably violence or drug related? He either was violent towards a child/ where another perpetrator was a child, or involved in drugs offences with children.

So was it violence or county lines OP?

If I found out that sort of info about a school parent I absolutely would cut them off.

Such drama!

The sil and niece stuff you are being ridiculous about...get over that

The friendship group thing... I judge your friends rather than your sil.

If your friends were decent people, they would speak to you to get the facts, or not be so judgemental to write an entire family off due to offences from a number of years ago without having a conversation first

I think you do your fair share of stirring with the messaging and need to look at yourself in all of this instead of blaming sil for everything

Team SIL.

You started it.

We need to know what the husband said.

If it was so nothing, why do you both remember that that was why she left the room?

And also why he was in prison that “involved a kid”.

But either way, you didn’t need to make a point of calling your brother to say you weren’t speaking to his wife. Presumably you did that because you weren’t getting the attention you wanted for the drama you were trying to create?

Sounds like you were trying to freeze this poor woman out of the family and sadly for you, she’s turned the tables on you with your friends.

Moral? Don’t start anything you can’t finish! And dont start something with a person who knows compromising info about your DH.

Your husband was in prison for something involving a kid- sexual related or not you MUST be able to see how your SIL could possibly be over sensitive about a poorly worded joke to her own child from him. And whatever he did is bad enough that your friends dont want to know you - dont place that on your SIL, your husband committed the crime its his fault.

OP, you aren’t coming across very well at all. “Not blood related”- that’s a low blow.
I think that your husbands past is highly relevant here. It involved a child, enough said. Even if it’s not sexual, any crime involving a child is horrific.

Perhaps your niece didn’t like being teased by a bloke who has been in prison.

Sounds like your SIL was pissed off and went into another room to avoid a row. A sensible response. You're the one creating all the drama. How is 'starting WW3' going to help matters?

As for your school mum friends, they obviously weren't that good friends if they've ostracised you because of a rumour about your husband. If they were good friends, they would have spoken to you about it and asked about your husband's previous conviction. To be fair, if it was something involving a child, they have every right to not want their children around your family.

Team SIL