To start WW3 with my SIL

The fact that me and my husband cant remember what offended her so much to cause an atmosphere and leave the room shows it wasnt the a big deal

No, it shows that YOU don't think its a big deal.

I messaged my brother about Easter as we always do stuff all together and I said we need to do it separate this year. He asked why I said because your wife is a toddler sulking off and we don't want to see her again

This was really uncalled for her. Did you really expect there wouldn't be a fallout after you said his this about his wife?

I think we’re missing a couple of chapters here…

Same, alarm bells are ringing for me based on what has been told so far.

I dont believe for one second that you or DH dont remember what was said to your niece. And surely if you didn't remember you would ask what it was when being asked to apologise. So I can't believe anything that you have to say. He's obviously said something very hurtful or inappropriate to a child. Then you double down and tell your brother you never want to see his wife again. And we're supposed to believe you never want to see her again over her reaction to something you said that you dont remember and have not bothered to find out what it was? Youd ask your niece and SIL why they were so upset surely? Its just all total bullshit.

The thing is im not being cagey but ehat my husband did sounds worse written down and the mums have found the news paper about what he did ( over q5 years ago). It doesnt give context and he has changed made mistakes but learnt from them.

So say what he did and give the context for it.

If it isn't a sexual crime, I would guess it's either a manslaughter charge from when he's younger or possibly a previous partner /children and DV related ? Maybe you're dating my dad lol. Takes a lot to get an actual prison sentence in the UK (assuming you're here).

I mean... quite how you think you're going to have any say in seeing them again is beyond me.

5 years is recent enough that im assuming it he was convicted when your primary aged children were very small children. And that due to the times, he may not be your kids father, which means you've let a man into your child's life who is unsuitable..

It's as much about your judgement to live with him and fight your Sil as it is about the conviction.

It was in the paper. I'm just shocked it didn't come up before.

You shouldn't be with him. You should put your kids first because his conviction and behaviour will follow them around like a bad smell.

The fact you welcomed him into their lives so soon after an adult-on-child conviction and while you had small kids is shocking and I'm surprised social services aren't involved.

Exactly. Frankly I am shocked you are with this horrible man

TEAM SIL.

@Allthewineandallrhedrinks has anything like this ever happened before?

Also, to echo PPs, what DOES WW3 with your SIL entail? Anything beyond not speaking with her?

So tell us what he did and give us the relevant context.
Tbh, you can't decide to cut her off and say you will see her dh and dc without her and not expect her to bite back. You also seem to think your brother should be okay with that or that she will allow you to see her children. These are not things that you can decide - other people have opinions and rights too. I wouldn't let my sil unilaterally decide she was going to see my kids but freeze me out!

How on earth can you be so sure that your SIL is over-reacting - to the extent that you cut her off - when you don’t even know what your DH said to her daughter?

You bloody well do know what your husband said to her. And you know that writing it here will expose him as the arsehole / creep that you’re so cagily trying to protect him as being.

You very much are the problem as is your husband.

He can’t remember because he doesn’t want to admit to what he said.

“it sounds worse written down” wtf…. I wouldn’t want anything to do with the both of you either.

“The thing is im not being cagey but ehat my husband did sounds worse written down.”

Right… so your husband has done something that sounds terrible written down. You’ve got bigger issues than your sister in law.

I am actually really shocked that people dont think it was awful my SIL told people this she had no right and knew full well what she was doing thats just nasty.
The thing is im not being cagey but ehat my husband did sounds worse written down and the mums have found the news paper about what he did ( over q5 years ago). It doesnt give context and he has changed made mistakes but learnt from them.

But so the information she gave them was entirely publicly available? They didn't decide to withdraw from you because of what SIL said had happened, but because of what they read in published accounts? I'm sorry that it's affecting your children, who are innocent parties in this, but I think if whatever they learned about your husband makes an entire group of people want no interaction with your family then they probably feel that they did have a right to know. They are presumably also massively questioning your judgement.

Also interesting that what he said to the niece sounds “so much worse written down” than it actually was yet he can’t recall it exactly and now neither can you although it’s not clear whether you were even there to hear it.

So what was the comment the best you can recall it - even if you don’t say what it was exactly?

None of us were there OP so we only have your version of events, but you really aren't coming across well.

You clearly dislike (jealous of?) your SiL for whatever reason and are using this opportunity as a 'gotcha' moment (look everyone!!! What a horrible person she is!!).

Calling her Miss Perfectly Perfect, a toddler, sulky, not blood related...because you DH said something 'jokey' to her daughter (a comment that now he suddenly has amnesia over so you've no way of knowing if it was something offensive).

I'm wondering if this has caused SIL to think 'fuck you, I've had enough of these comments' and launched a grenade to deal with you both. She played it well because the information she told your playground mums will be public knowledge, they can just google to get the relevant info anyway, so all she's done is given the mum's a 'heads up' to the kind of person who could be around their own kids at parties or play dates. 🤷‍♀️ people normally want to protect their kids.

I'm wondering if your DB hasn't replied because he cba with your drama. And what do your parents think of it all? 🤔

So many questions...but I don't think OP will be back...

I’ll wait for the details of the crime, the comment and the SILs POV!

You and your husband can’t remember yet it was a big enough deal at the time to make you decide never to speak to her again?
Yeah nothing you’re adding actually makes sense.
Now you only knew because your mum told you? Yet you were there and didn’t think it was a big deal or your SILs reaction was warranted?

What exactly would this WW3 entail? You already don’t speak to her or see her. You’re already demanding separate events. What do you actually want? Have an argument? A fight behind the bike sheds? Make your parents pick between you and your brother?

Do you also plan to start WW3 with the mum that told all the other mums?

I think if my husband upset my niece and then I called my sister in law a sulky toddler we wouldn’t be welcome by my brother let alone anyone else.

If your mother suggested an apology was necessary, why didn't he instead of you both stropping off 'like toddlers' because you were 'raging' about it?

@Allthewineandallrhedrinks

You lack major self awareness and have no self ownership.

You sound like the toddler here 🤣

Your husband can definitely remember what he said to your niece and deep down you know that.

Husband’s conviction and custodial sentence involved a child. Thought it might. Rightly or wrongly that’s why your friends have distanced themselves from you.

In hindsight, if someone you don’t like much (but is harmless enough) knows stuff about you and your family that you don’t want other people knowing, maybe don’t upset them? Maybe just stfu?