To start WW3 with my SIL

Your niece is allowed to be her own person and be upset and offended by ANYTHING, you don't have the right to judge what she is and isn't allowed to be upset by, they are her feelings. There might be a sensitive backstory and that might be why your SIL took herself off to avoid conflict or being upset Infront of you and your husband. If you love your niece your job and your husbands job is to see she is upset, show care and apologise.

You are coming across as quite self absorbed in this, particularly in refusing to go ahead with Easter plans as if everything revolves around you.

I don't know how long ago your husband was in jail. It says Q5 years in your answer. 5 years is nothing. 25, 35, etc you might have a point, it depends how he acts now and if there are any concerns they have.

I know someone who committed a terrible crime 20 years ago. It all came out and he initially struggled, then took responsibility and worked hard to rebuild relationships over time. He is happier now than before it came out as he no longer is worried about if / when people will find out.

Play stupid games, win stupid prizes.

On the information that’s been given so far I’m team SIL. I think her side would me interesting to hear.

No idea whether your SIL is unreasonable but I can't get my head around all the drama in the first place. In my family, and those of most I know, people are just nice to each other and get on. I can't imagine these big family fallouts that so many people on here seem to be embroiled in. We don't stop talking to a family member because they got upset over a jokey comment, we say "are you OK? Sorry if what I said upset you, I didn't mean to". It must be like living in an episode of Eastenders!

Your DH did something involving a kid that was serious enough to put him in jail? Surely you can understand why people wouldn't let their kids around him?

Sounds to me like you were trying to throw your weight around with your brother and your SIL has shut you down.

Live with it, your “friends” want nothing more to do with you and by the sounds of it, your brother is probably going to keep clear as well.

OP if you aren't willing to be explicitly honest about what your DH did and what 'joke' he made to your niece then that suggests that it was worse than you're letting on and that you know full well that it was. We are internet strangers who you refuse to tell the full story to. Who cares what we think? The people who know you best have made their judgements so maybe you should reflect on that.

Rage bait. There is no way this is real, nobody has this little self awareness.

You very much are the problem here.

Your friends actions are not your sils fault. Your friends have chosen to act in the way they have, thats on them. This is not your sils fault!

You and your husband both sound difficult...your ridiculous comment about "she's not even blood" and then the pathetic don't -want-to-see-over-easter message...grow up!

I think some people just thrive on drama and you are one of those and unfortunately massively lack insight into your behaviour therefore nothing will change

Without knowing what the crappy comment was there is no way to judge if you SIL was overreacting when she walked away. But I find it very hard to believe that you can't remember what it was considering the immediate reaction. Also, if you can't remember what it was, how do you know it was jokey with absolute certainty?

If anyone overreacted it was you. You escalated it.

Sounds like SIL has had enough of your shit. And why should she care about your husband's feelings? He's not even 'blood related.'

Your SIL is not the only toddler here

You obviously enjoy drama. Easter is over a month away, yet here you are, messaging your brother you need to do separate things.

You all sound like sensitive bunch of silly toddlers eho meed something more in your life to focus on (imcludobgvyour 'school mum group,)

Was your husband in prison? Not a nice thing to divulge but if it's true, it's something thsts going to come up from time to time.

How can you not remember what he said but say it sounds worse written down if you apparently can't remember. Also your dhs jail sentence isn't a private matter, its obviously public information if the mums found it. If they don't want to be friends with you due to being with him after what he done, that's entirely their preoragative.

If your mum said to apologise but you stormed off after upsetting and offending your sister in law then instead of analysing what happened and apologising for the offence you have messaged your brother that. You're in the wrong. No grown adults behave like that in real life, they take accountability and say sorry for upset they have caused to family.

My take is that the H has committed a crime involving a child, bad enough to go to prison.

SIL tries to purse her lips and say nothing, but then he makes an inappropriate comment to her daughter which is related to the crime.

SIL then wonders why she’s protecting this person and tells her friend what he did.

Word travels.

The fact that OP is minimising what he did and ‘can’t remember’ what he said to niece, is fishier than Billingsgate.

You and your husband sound bloody awful.

It's entirely possible that your SIL may decide you and your DH shouldn't be around their children as your judgement is entirely questionable. So you may not succeed in separating your brother and the kids from her by seeing them alone.

Given what you've written here, I suspect you'll end up seeing your brother alone, if at all going forward. He should really put his own family first in this mess.

I understand it’s upsetting that your SIL has told your friends your secrets. It’s likely they would have come out eventually anyway so you could plan to tell your children. I would probably be wary of a person that went to prison for a crime involving a child having young children myself, regardless if they ‘done their time’.

You have left out massive details of the story. You absolutely do know what was said to your niece, because if you didn’t, natural instinct would to ask your mum why he needed to apologise? You are choosing not to say.

A criminal uncle who is disrespectful to his niece? Think I’d sulk off too, only I’d take my child with me.

You say the fact you and your H can’t remember what he said and therefore it wasn’t a hit deal just means it wasn’t a big deal to you, it may have been very different for your SIL and her daughter, and reading between the lines I wouldn’t be surprised if it was just the straw that broke the camel’s back.

Also frankly your H’s judgement and truthfulness are more suspect that your SIL’s given he is only quite recently out of prison for an offence involving a child.

It takes a lot to actually be jailed and 5 years isn’t long ago so it’s better to be up front about this sort of stuff than try and hide it. If you had been honest and/or a good enough friend for people to stand up for you this wouldn’t have been dropped in this way.

Im afraid you fucked around and are now finding out, you tried to do your SIL down and she is fighting back-good for her!

Come on OP, if it’s not that bad and you’re justified, tell us what DH said. Nobody here is going to believe neither of you knows what caused offence.

Oh I think I'm team sil.

your oh offended her. Your parents told you to apologise.

you sound a nightmare - suspect your sil is happy not to have to see you again.

When my exH used to say something that hurt me or upset me he used to say I was being “silly” for being hurt or upset, he was only joking, I had taken it the wrong way.

@Allthewineandallrhedrinks does that sound familiar in this scenario?

If I were you and if you are real, I’d stop typing now. You sound worse and worse as the thread goes on.

yes exactly and if she can't remember what it is - why did she put it was said in a "jokey way" - she can remember and emphasise that but not what was said?

BS

I’m confused why you think that your DH going to jail is a private family matter? It isn’t. It will be on the public record. It just so happens that most people have better things to do than scour court archives for a gotcha moment. But to play this off as private is wild. Also, you mention it was in the press. It’s usually something pretty serious to get media reporting & a jail term.
You’re also assuming it was information shared in malice. Given it was a public event she might’ve been talking more generally.
Everyone distancing themselves from you also speaks to the severity of what DH done.

Like others, I’d love to know what DH said to make her react like that. It feels like you’ve minimised this piece.

Team SIL here. I imagine you ‘cutting her off’ will make her life a lot calmer.

The fact that me and my husband cant remember what offended her so much to cause an atmosphere and leave the room shows it wasnt the a big deal. If he had said something horrible to my neice id have said something to her

It shows it wasn't a big deal to you. It clearly was to her. I've lost track of the number of 'no big deal' things that people have said to me as throwaway remarks (to them) that have hurt me deeply.

Other people have different opinions to you, OP. You can't make everyone see life your way and you might have to accept that.

So you don't even know what crappie comment he made just this man's claim that it was a joke, which was bad enough that your sil took her daughter away from him and your blaming the victims for your husbands poor behaviour.
So you then create drama by telling your brother that you never want to see his wife again because of your husbands inappropriate "jokes" to a female child.
This (in your eyes) perfect husband who should be believed over your niece and sil is a convicted criminal who spent time in jail for crimes that involved a child but not sexual, so some sort of violence towards a child and was inappropriate towards your niece.
Are you really surprised that your sil talked to a friend and explained what happened including the criminal history of your husband for context.
Honestly @Allthewineandallrhedrinks you and your inappropriate criminal husband are to blame for all of this and yes btw you should lose friends who you deceived into allowing their children to be around a man who went to jail for crimes involving children.
I hope your daughter doesn't end up a pariah but if she does it's because of you, your lies and your inappropriate criminal of a husband not your sil who has the right to talk to friends.