To start WW3 with my SIL

I didn’t want to say it but yes, we all the know the sort of people who behave in that kind of way and OP definitely gives off those vibes.

Professional victim alert (you not SIL).

My guess, he's a child abuser that beat/tortured a child, and he threatened to hurt your nice becuase she was misbehaving.

The pair of you sound absolutely vile. The way you write is aggressive. The image I have is of two shouty druggies shouting "what the fuck are you looking at" at everyone you walk past. Those people. You sound like those people.

Why not just ask SIL and niece what was said? I bet they remember.

@Allthewineandallrhedrinks I understand why you're so furious and upset about your SIL telling the mums about your husbands pasts and while that's not entirely unjustified (although depends what he said to your neice) I think you also need to accept that when you married him, you did so accepting that his past could cause problems in the future.

only knew because my mum told my husband to apologise. So we went home and were raging.

Honestly, and I don't mean this unkindly, you sound like a drama llama. Why didn't your husband just apologise??
If I had inadvertently offended someone, even someone I disliked, of course I would apologise!

The fact that me and my husband cant remember what offended her so much to cause an atmosphere and leave the room shows it wasnt the a big deal

This was uncalled for and really bitchy tbh. You didn't like the fact you need to apologise so you called his wife a toddler? And expected there to be no come back from that?

You've inflamed this situation at every opportunity.

It's horrible that your friends have shunned you but as I said, you must have known that this was a risk when you married him. Give your friends the context but don't be dramatic over it, then it's their choice whether to be friends or not but you may just have to accept it that you no longer are.

Can you really not remember what he said?? I'm a bit sceptical tbh because you clearly think if you're honest about what he's done we'll be on SILs side.

You have two choices now, kick off WWIII and probably cause a rift which will never heal in your family, or rise above it.

I think you should rise above it because you went into this marriage with your eyes wide open and know that other people will still care about your husbands crime.

If you kick off, you'll have lost your friends, your brother, your niece and potentially your parents too.

Don't act rashly, think it through.

Safe means the SIL is not blood related. I think the niece is her brother’s child.

And this people is why you don't send your young children on play dates in someone else's home. You have no idea who these parents are or what their history is.

Op you are hiding his offence, that alone speaks volumes.

What did your husband say to your niece? He might have thought he was being jokey, but looking at it objectively, could it have been misinterpreted??? Your SIL certainly felt the remark wasn't called for, hence why she left the room. Did your niece look mortified/laugh/embarrassed? How old is your niece?

As for your husband's prison record, that depends on what he did, doesn't it? Not everyone is going to be comfortable around someone who's been to prison. Your SIL has made it known to your friendship group about your husband's past. Clearly your friends weren't aware of his prison time, and have re-evaluated their choice to be friends with you. Yes, it's sad and probably feels judgemental, but again, it depends why he was in prison. Burglary? Assault? GBH? Drugs? DV? Drunk Driving? Did he kill someone?

So your husband, who has a criminal
past involving children, said something to your niece and you don’t know what it was because he claims to not remember… but you’re sure it was nothing bad and you’re not the problem? Yeah right. He’s done something out of order but, instead of making a scene, your SIL left the room to calm down. And look at how you’re behaving; like an absolute child. Refusing to see her, refusing to apologise, refusing to even accept that maybe he did something wrong (even though you don’t even know what he said).

Then, instead of letting it go like an adult would, you double down and text your brother to call his wife a toddler and cancel joint plans. You are behaviour in an absolutely ridiculous way.

You’re the one who married someone with a criminal past involving children, and an article that “makes him look bad” when it’s really just reporting what he actually did. I think it’s fair enough for SiL to warn the school mum’s so they can choose whether they want their kids near your husband, or want to associate with you anymore. Why should SIL hide your secret when your husband has been inappropriate with her daughter, and has a criminal past which is bad enough that you needed to hide it. The other mums deserve to know who their child might come in contact with. And SIL obviously believes your husband hasn’t changed all that much.

I think it’s telling you can’t recall what was said to niece “in a jokey way”.

how long ago was your dh in prison. You put a typo and it says q5 years ago. If it was only 5 years ago that’s nothing! And it involves kids (but not sexual), doesn’t sound great tbh

yes your sil was wrong to talk about him behind your back especially if she didn’t give the whole story. But would like to know her pov.

Ninety nine per cent of the people on here think you are the problem so why don’t you open your eyes. You and your husband sound awful.

No no no.
What your husband said was bad enough that your own mum pulled him up on it and said he needed to apologise. That alone should tell you how outrageous his "joke" was.
As got you being "uncomfortable" in your mums home blame your husband as hes the problem. Should your niece be made to feel so uncomfortable in her grandparents home that she and her mum had to leave the room because your husband cant keep his mouth shut around a child?
Your husbands PUBLIC unspent criminal convictions are NOT private especially if they can be googled and/or read in the papers.
If I was her you would never see my children again your behaviour and that of your husband is the problem and the pair of you are walking red flags you need to grow up and accept that you and your husband are the problem not your sil

As if you thought calling your brothers wife a toddler was ever going to fly. Just be honest you don’t like her never have! You sound horrible.

I don’t think you’ll be seeing your brother and his kids , hopefully he’ll stick up for his wife.
I’d like to hear her side.

So, your husband offended your niece and your SIL got upset about what was said, and therefore YOU decide to stop speaking to her and make a big deal of out separating the family events to reflect that? Now you want to wage "WW3" on her?

The only one who sounds like a dick there is you (and your husband). made worse by the fact that (1) you won't say what was said which suggests it was out of order and your SIL was right to be upset and (2) you won't say what your husband did, which suggests it wasn't great.

I am with your SIL on this, and think you sound awful. YABU.

No you very much are the problem here.

If you want to be treated as an adult then behave as one. Your SIL is so offended she leaves the room-good for her. Your niece may not have had the confidence to do that so her Mother did. Your husband or you should have gone and got her and profusely apologised and fixed the issue at the time, not held on for weeks to throw it out.

secondly your husbands past has caught up with him. He may have changed but I wouldn’t let my child be around at your home if any of this had come to light, an I wouldn’t want to be around either because I would have expected you to have shared that critical bit of information if we are good friends. The fact you kept it secret says more about you and your judgement.

I am on team SIL here, you have a lot of reflecting and growing up to do.

I don’t believe you can’t remember what your husband said to your niece, and you’re massively downplaying whatever the criminal offence involving a child he did time for was. Your friends obviously don’t think it was nothing, either.

FAFO, as the kidz say.

It sounds like your Mum, SiL, niece and your brother would've be able to remind you what the 'jokey' comment was?

Your Mum asked your DH to apologise. This indicated your SiL and Neice were not alone in not finding the jokes comment funny.

I think it sounds like your family have been very generous and included you and your dh and family in family events and at their houses, despite your dh's prison sentence and criminal record. You have squandered this love and generosity and failed to recognise that you were lucky to have this.

Why cut off your nose to spite your face by refusing to make Easter plans with your brother when he has kindly offered to do so? He was obviously prepared to move on and keep including you. You blew up the olive branch. Just why?

Did you out your sil in a position of having to justify or defend her pov? Your dh criminal history is highly relevant to her reactions so it may be she was backed into a situation of having to mention it to justify her actions towards you re this 'joke'.

I think it really matters what he said to your niece. The fact that he ‘can’t remember’ is a red flag. You stopped talking to sil about something you don’t know because he had not told you. Sil may be pissed off because of what he said and then found out you aren’t talking to her through her dh. I think your dh may be the issue. As for the school mums I think your sil is really annoyed with you at this point. At some point this was going to come out. It wouldn’t have come out if he hadn’t have said what he did to your niece is my guess.

Maybe what your husband joked about has a link, however tenuous, to his crime? And they found this inappropriate.
You can’t expect everyone to feel the same as you about your husband. His crime must have been serious as he did jail time. Only normal for people to be wary.
Maybe a straightforward and kind talk to your SIL may help mend things instead of your WW3 idea.

Is your husband Fagin?

There is no way this is real, nobody has this little self awareness

Op , on the off chance you are real...Read the comments and reflect

Your OH said something to upset your niece enough to cause her to leave the room and anger your SIL.

Yet your OH " can't remember" what he said??🙄

He absolutely can remember. You do know that - don't you.

I wouldn’t betray a confidence even if I fell out with the person that had confided in me so I get that you’re hurt by that. Did she tell people AFTER you’d spoken to Brother about Easter? I’ll put good money on it you and your husband remember very well what he said. If you genuinely couldn’t, you wouldn’t be in a position to say if niece and SIL’s reaction was OTT.
You had absolutely no need to contact your brother and say you couldn’t spend Easter with him as you weren’t speaking to SIL. You could have said you’d made other plans. If the situation at your parents has been as uncomfortable as you say (and your mother asked husband to apologise so clearly that’s someone else who thinks husband was in the wrong) he would have understood anyway. You did that to get a reaction, no doubt hoping he’d kick off at SIL.
I don’t know what your husbands crime was but you’re not very honest and you sound very immature. All in all, not a couple I have a burning urge to be around. Looks like SIL took her opportunity to get rid of you both to be honest.
I too am very interested in what WW3 looks like to
you. You’ve got nothing in the tank. Your SIL has your brother, the support of your Mother, your school mum friends and information on your husband. Please think very carefully because as far as I can see, she’s won a battle you started so I think a war may not end well for you.

This.

the fact op refuses to say what these are are massive red flags as she knows these actually are pretty bad