To start WW3 with my SIL

You're on an absolute hiding to nothing here OP. You took the decision to refuse the Easter get together, cause a rift and to insult your brother's wife. All of which sounds utterly OTT, but that was your decision so own it.

Your version is...
Your husband went to prison but that should be forgiven and forgotten. He said something off to his neice but you want that washed over too.

Your SIL takes offence that something off has been said to her daughter and that's the bigger crime, should not be forgiven and she and as a result of her family should be cut off???? And your justification for blowing it out of proportion is that it was in your parents' house and she's not a blood relation. (Which your husband isn't either.)
I mean, catch yourself on OP. Your husband committed a crime, and he said whatever it was. Why is your SIL the unforgivable bad guy here? Why no second chances for her?

I'm not sure having been in prison is private information given it's all publicly documented. Those friends and friendships obviously weren't what you thought they were if they take this stance and that's not your SIL's fault either.

Sorry OP, you must have known her getting her own back this way was a possibility. He's only her husband's sister's husband to her so she won't care about how this affects him (and you).

I'm looking at the convictions 15 years ago involving kids (2011/12) and they're all for abuse, murder, neglect, viewing materials...

What in earth is it he did that was bad enough to be sent to prison, but "not as bad as it sounds"?

😬

I think it’s awful that these ladies are your friends and you didn’t tell them. I certainly wouldn’t be friends with someone who’s been in prison sorry

See I disagree. People can go to prison for lots of reasons and not all of them mean that a person can still be a risk afterwards.

I also believe that ex-prisoners should have the opportunity to rebuild their lives and turn their life around, as the op's husband has done.

Telling everyone what they did years ago for the rest of their life is a terrible idea.

We also have no idea what he was guilty of, or his age at the time of the crime. Everyone is assuming the worst - but his comment to his niece and crime could be completely unrelated.

The fact that a child was somehow involved in the crime doesn't mean that that child was harmed or in danger . Perhaps he stole something and a child witnessed it, who knows, there no indication from the op's posts that he ever harmed a child.

In this country, we have a really punitive attitude to the criminal justice system even while evidence shows that all it does is meet our desire for punishment- it doesn't prevent recidivism.

He's served his time and where relevant any future employers (and other bodies) will still need to be told of his past.

If he's not a risk to others then no one else needs to know.

Sounds like you massively overreacted in the first place and now it’s blown up. Someone not appreciating a joke and walking into another room is a non-event. The fact you have taken such offence that you no longer want to see this woman (blood relative or not) makes you sound unhinged.

Spent convictions are relevent OP. Even if people have reformed. That's why there will be certain jobs that will never accept a certain list of crimes, even if they are spent. No. A lot of people don't want to associate with people if their crime hurt anyone. Regardless of being reformed. They are correct to risk assess whether this is someone they want to be around and send their children over for play dates/tea.

I think what was said is really important and you don't want to say.

I will just see my brother and niece and nephew without her.

This is what my SIL thought too. We come as a family, we’re adults, I am my children’s mother and there was no way in hell either DH or I would have allowed this - she’s not seen us in 8 years, you don’t get to choose to see you’re nieces and nephews because you’ve taken a strop with one of their parents, how childish.

As for your husbands offences and jail time, you say the offence involved a child, he’d be nowhere near my children in this case. Both you and your husband don’t sound like nice people at all.

Yikes.

The more I read your subsequent posts the more I know that your SIL is 100% in the right.

Presumably 15 as the q key is also the 1.

For him to have been sent to prison with something involving a child means, he abused, assaulted, killed or neglected a child...

He wouldn't be anywhere near me or my kids.

Unless OP explains properly, then most posters, myself included, are going to assume it’s something like this.

SIL is entitled to tell her friends why she’s fallen out with you. Then one of these mutual friends has looked the case up online and told others, leading to a shunning.

As PP have said, you knew the risks when you got involved with scum like him.

The worst part of all this is your childish behaviour has now affected your children. It's unlikely they'll be having any playdates at your house now and they might get a rough time at school. Although I'm surprised no-one knew already what with the internet and all.
And I doubt your SIL will allow you/your DH to see her children without her present as he's clearly said something inappropriate. She has to safe guard her children.

How many years ago is q5?

You've never let your kids go home with a friend for tea after school?

Theres a bit of double standards going on here, can’t you see that?

It’s okay for you to exclude your SIL, but when the boots on the other foot, you don’t like it.

You’ve got your comeuppance somewhat harshly, but you’ve got to see that sometimes actions have consequences.

He got jail time for a child related offence. I wouldn't be your mate either.

No the fact that your husband can’t remember and therefore obviously it was fine is a huge red flag - it is minimising something that he forgot because of course it is a joke but to everyone else it wasn’t

it was probably pretty bad and she left the room to calm down and the was still upset so started mentioning it to friends and then was upset enough to link it to his conviction

because we know 2 things he said something and he was convicted - the above makes much more sense than it was nothing

You and your husband both sound like really horrible people, and that’s only from the things you’ve told us yourself. Leaving a room when someone has upset you is a very mild reaction. Your reaction to that was ridiculous.

Sorry but your sil is right. You lost and always will lose friends because of your husband and his past. I think it’s awful that these ladies are your friends and you didn’t tell them. I certainly wouldn’t be friends with someone who’s been in prison sorry. You’ve also been nasty calling her a toddler over her getting upset over something once again you’re husbands done. You and him are the problem not them. Grow up , either burn or build bridges and move on.

I got a bit confused with the family dynamics, for some reason I thought your sil was your husband's sister.
I don't blame anyone for wanting to avoid difficult family members, we have a very manipulative and difficult sister. But it's been easier for us because she doesn't live locally. Maybe in future make excuses and see family at other times to her and your brother. If you make a big deal they'll only see you as being a problem. Families can be a pain in the arse.
And one things for sure on MN, there will be people who focus on a specific tiny part of a post and ignore the main point.

There are two sides to every story and we're only getting one here and that one doesn't make sense to me

I can't begin to imagine what "starting WW3" with a family member entails

All I can say, from my own experience, is that I was so glad to have IL's around when we experienced a family tragedy . . . they really stepped up to the mark and helped in so many. many ways. I haven't always seen eye to eye with them (nobody agrees with anyone else 100% of the time anyway) but I will forever be grateful to them and we're in a better relationship now because of the tough time we went through together

You've got a lot of life ahead of you, OP, ~ you'll be better off with family around you and to do that you need to work at relationships, not destroy them

If DH can't remember what he said, then maybe it wasn't 'a big deal' to him but it clearly was you your niece. Why not apologise instead of cutting off contact? It all seems a bit over dramatic.

If your mum told your husband to apologise, it can’t have been a nice comment. If you can’t remember what it was, ask your mum.

Did he apologise? You said you stormed out.

Honestly- is your husband a bit of a liability?

You can’t see your brother’s family without their mum unless they want to. Why don’t you have an adult conversation with her and try to reconcile?

I think your caginess speaks volume. What did your DH say to your niece and what did he go to prison for and are the two connected? Both those answers clearly matter if you want posters to truly understand the situation and show sympathy, OP.

As for SIL telling the other mums, why shouldn't she confide in them if they are her friends too? Especially if his conviction relates to what your DH said to your niece, which I suspect it did.

Sounds a bit fishy, you conveniently can’t remember what he said to your niece to piss her mom off enough to leave the room. Maybe sil shouldn’t have said anything about your husbands past but it sounds relevant to what was said to her daughter.